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WORK TITLE: The Awakened Family
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BIRTHDATE: 1972
WEBSITE: https://drshefali.com/
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LOC is still down.
PERSONAL
Born 1972, in India.
EDUCATION:Columbia University, Ph.D.
ADDRESS
CAREER
Clinical psychologist, writer. Has private practice in New York, NY.
AWARDS:Nautilus Award, 2011, for The Conscious Parent.
WRITINGS
Also author of It’s a Mom! What You Should Know about the Early Years of Motherhood, 2006.
SIDELIGHTS
Shefali Tsabary is a clinical psychologist and writer who focuses on family counseling and parenting. In her clinical work and writing, she blends Eastern philosophy with Western psychology in hopes of effecting transformational change rather than temporary fixes. She is the author of three popular books on the subject: The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children; Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Won’t Work and What Will; and The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting.
In a Rewire Me Web site interview with Rose Caiola, Tsabary offered the following words of advice for parents: “[P]arenting is a joyful relationship where you can learn more from your children, much more than you can ever aspire to teach them. When you are willing to enter this relationship as a student, you will use every moment with your child–and there will be plenty–to grow and enter your highest state of consciousness. In this way, parenting becomes the portal for your highest transformation and change. What a wonderful opportunity this is indeed!” In an online Patheos interview with Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley, Tsabary further commented on the role of honest parenting: “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a ‘mini me,’ but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
The Conscious Parent
In her 2010 work, The Conscious Parent, Tsabary turns parenting on its head. She argues that children are not simply the receivers of their parent’s beliefs and legacies, but instead can actually lead to development in parents who are conscious to this possibility. Tsabary contends that children serves as mirrors to their parents’ hidden and forgotten selves, their psychological pain and emotional problems. Those parents who act consciously can thus use parenting as a tool to repair their own inner being. Once that is accomplished, such conscious parents can then establish a true bond and communion with their children, one that transcends the usual “I know better” of parenting advice. Instead, such parents can establish a mutual relationship, rather than one built on power or blind application of the methods by which they were raised.
Reviewing The Conscious Parent in the London Telegraph Online, Sarah Chalmers was skeptical of its message, noting that this “latest addition to the parenting self-help stable has cleverly harnessed the industry’s current buzz-word: mindfulness.” Chalmers added: “[M]ost of us at the parenting coalface would agree that we hardly need a tome to explain the very least required of us is a state of consciousness.” Others had a more nuanced assessment. A Hello Bee Web site contributor commented: “Tsabary argues that we need to revel in our children’s ordinariness by letting go of our ego and allowing children to fulfill their own destiny.” The same contributor termed it a “thought-provoking and inspiring read,” but also felt that it “lacked the meaty research-based statistics and analogies that my sleepy mom mind needs to process these sort of self help books.” Authentic Parenting Web site writer Laura Schuerwegen, also had a mixed review, noting: “Even though I don’t agree with everything Shefali writes, … this still remains a very important book, one–I feel–every parent or aspiring parent should read.” Online Synergy commentator Dirk Becker was more enthusiastic about The Conscious Parent, observing: “This book is just simply amazing. The world would be such a different place if we all read this book. … [It] helps us to understand that children are just like us and we are just like children.”
Out of Control
Tsabary takes on another shibboleth of parenting in Out of Control, in which she contends that the use of discipline in child-rearing is a flawed concept. She further develops the idea of the conscious parent, noting that discipline is what has caused generation after generation of dysfunction. Parents need to go beyond such fear-based tactics and instead focus on an approach based on the parent-child relationship. For Tsabary, the key is an ongoing and meaningful connection that does not rely on threats, timeouts, or other forms of punishment. Instead, parents learn to understand the reasons a child is acting out and and allow children to fail in order to take responsibility for their own lives. In a Natural Child Magazine Web site interview, Tsabary further remarked on the central thesis of her book: “Discipline, in all forms, is about attempting to control a child–to get the child to conform. While we all have to become civilized to a certain degree in order to live together successfully, forced civilization is fundamentally different from learning by example. When there is simply a way things are done in a family, and the child is encouraged and helped to pick up on this, they feel part of what’s happening rather than that something is being imposed on them. The key is to encourage them to work into family and society in a way that truly represents them, not one based merely on being pleasing to others.”
An All-Around Pinay Mama Web site contributor had praise for Out of Control, noting that it “made me realize so many things about the way I mother my kids.” The contributor continued: “There were points in the book that made me feel like being slapped on the face. I had the time to reflect that most of my practices as a parent I thought were correct but obviously didn’t work at all. The book turned me around. I saw the difference in the way my kids responded to me when I started exercising the strategies that Dr. Shefali shared.” Writing in Busy Mom Monologues, Remy Cruz similarly commented: “I will extend you an invitation to read the book Out of Control. [Y]ou will be amaze[d] about all the subjects that … Tsabary discuss[es] in her book and how you can work to improve or build a better relation with your child, and see why the way you’re disciplin[ing] your child might not be as effective as you thing it should be.”
The Awakened Family
Tsabary continues her message of mindfulness in parenting with The Awakened Family, a how-to that offers insight into becoming the parent that you always hoped to be, which for Tsabary means being fully conscious and present. Employing personal anecdotes as well as case studies from her own practice, the author offers practical strategies to become a conscious parent. One of her major messages is that parents are too often reactive, yelling or hovering because much of traditional parenting is based on fear. Tsabary writes that we must be more open to and trusting in a our children’s real, inner potential.
“I loved The Awakened Family,” noted BookPage reviewer Amy Scribner. A Publishers Weekly contributor also had praise, noting that the book’s message is an “antidote to recent trends such as for ‘helicopter parenting,’ teaching respect for children as people in their own right and urging parents to let them thrive.” Similarly, Booklist writer Joyce McIntosh termed it a “transforming read for any parent.” McIntosh added: “[Tsabary] takes complex psychology and transforms it into practical, perspective-changing advice.”
BIOCRIT
PERIODICALS
Booklist, May 15, 2016, Joyce McIntosh, review of The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting, p. 7.
BookPage, August, 2016, Amy Scribner, review of The Awakened Family, p. 19.
Publishers Weekly, April 18, 2016, review of The Awakened Family, p. 110.
Skipping Stones, September-October, 2011, review of The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children, p. 24; January-March, 2014, review of Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn’t Work and What Will, p. 31.
ONLINE
All-Around Pinay Mama, http://www.allaroundpinaymama.com/ (July 2, 2014), review of Out of Control.
Authentic Parenting, http://www.authenticparenting.info/ (May 2, 2011), Laura Schuerwegen, review of The Conscious Parent.
Busy Mom Monologues, http://bsymommonologues.com/ (Apr 28, 2014), Remy Cruz, review of Out of Control.
Dr. Shefali Home Page, https://drshefali.com/ (February 22, 2017).
Greater Good, http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/ (June 17, 2016), Diana Divecha, review of The Awakened Family.
Hello Bee, http://www.hellobee.com/ (April 3, 2015), review of The Conscious Parent.
Natural Child Magazine, http://www.naturalchildmagazine.com/ (April 2, 2017), author interview.
Patheos, http://www.patheos.com/ (August 5, 2016), Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley, “Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Shefali Tsabary Discuss The Awakened Family.”
Rewire Me, https://www.rewireme.com/ (June 14, 2016), Rose Caiola, author interview.
Spirituality & Practice, http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/ (March 13, 2017), Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, review of The Awakened Family.
Synergy, http://synergymag.ca/ (November 25, 2011), Dirk Becker, review of The Conscious Parent.
Telegraph Online, http://www.telegraph.co.uk/ (January 3, 2015), Sarah Chalmers, review of The Conscious Parent.*
Acclaimed Author
Dr. Shefali’s books will change your world.
Her latest book, THE AWAKENED FAMILY, gives us daily skills and tools to revolutionize our families and our parenting. This book holds the potential to liberate both your child and yourself from the clutches of anxiety leading you toward a transformed sense of peace and joy.
Her first book, THE CONSCIOUS PARENT, has been endorsed by Oprah as one of the most profound books on parenting she has ever read.
Her second book, OUT OF CONTROL, offers a unique and brilliant perspective on why traditional means of discipline don’t work with our children and what we should do instead.
International Speaker
Dr. Shefali is a keynote speaker who presents at conferences and workshops around the world. Some of the venues at which Dr. Shefali has presented are: Wisdom 2.0, TEDx, Kellogg Business School, The Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education, and many more. She has had key collaborations with Goldie Hawn’s MindUp Foundation, Kids in the House and many educational and transformational centers around the world.
Did you know Dr. Shefali is available for hire at your next event or conference? You can contact her by clicking the button below and request one of the most transformational speakers available today.
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Shefali is a world-renowned clinical psychologist who received her doctorate from Columbia University, New York.
She specializes in the integration of Eastern philosophy and Western psychology, making her an expert in her field. Her message has the potential to change people’s lives for generations to come.
You can schedule a private session to see her in her NYC office or schedule a coaching session on SKYPE/phone.
Media Resources & Queries
If you are a member of the media and have a question regarding Dr. Shefali, please send your requests via the contact form located at the following link: https://drshefali.com/contact/
Please reference this page as a resource for Dr. Shefali. Any copy from this page can be used as a byline for articles, blog posts or anything affiliated with Dr. Shefali. This section of Dr. Shefali’s “About Dr. Shefali” serves as written consent for the use of anything related to Dr. Shefali utilized and / or referenced on a media or social media website.
For podcasts, radio, speaking engagements or television interviews please contact Dr. Shefali and her team via the form located here: https://drshefali.com/contact/
Currently, Dr. Shefali will not accept phone calls with regards to requests until a contact form is completed and submitted.
For additional media queries please contact:
Carolyn Coleburn
Executive Publicist, Viking and Penguin Books
(212)366-2270 | ccoleburn@penguinrandomhouse.com
Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., was exposed to Eastern philosophy at an early age and integrates its teachings with Western psychology, having received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University in New York. This blend of East and West allow her to reach a global audience and establishes her as one of a kind in the field of mindfulness psychology for families.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary lectures extensively on conscious parenting around the world and is in private practice. She is author of the award winning parenting book, The Conscious Parent as the newly released Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Won’t Work and What Will, as well as It’s a Mom: What You Should Know About the Early Years of Motherhood, which debuted on the Indian National bestseller list for four weeks. Dr. Tsabary lives in New York City.
QUOTE:
[P]arenting is a joyful relationship where you can learn more from your children, much more than you can ever aspire to teach them. When you are willing to enter this relationship as a student, you will use every moment with your child--and there will be plenty--to grow and enter your highest state of consciousness. In this way, parenting becomes the portal for your highest transformation and change. What a wonderful opportunity this is indeed
DR SHEFALI TSABARY ON PARENTING AND THE AWAKENED FAMILY
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family parents and child
My children are entering their teen years, which is completely new territory for me. Of course I’m thrilled to watch them grow up, but like any parent, I worry. I remember being a teenager—the excitement, the challenges, the drama—it was quite a ride. I want my children to have an easier time than I did, and I want to support them as best as I can during this difficult transition in their lives.
awakened-familyI recently had the opportunity to talk to Dr Shefali Tsabary about her new book, The Awakened Family, and how to build a strong, healthy relationship with your children so they can thrive. In this interview, she reveals the keys to become a fully present and conscious parent.
Your first book, The Conscious Parent, has been endorsed by Oprah Winfrey as one of the most profound books on parenting she has ever read. You say becoming a conscious parent requires looking deep within ourselves first. What advice do you have for parents afraid of facing their own fears?
I tell parents that if they don’t become aware of their own “unconscious emotional baggage,” this will seep onto their children and cause them to carry those fears. No parent wishes this for their children. Once parents understand the need to constantly look deep within ourselves, we will learn to react less from a place of our own agendas and more from a place that is in touch with who it is our children truly are. From this space, we are then able to forge intimate and connected relationships to them.
In your new book, The Awakened Family, you say change starts with the parent’s behavior, not the kids. Can you elaborate on this?
Just like we don’t like to be fixed and controlled in the work place, in our marriages or by our friends, so it is with our children. The moment we enter the relationship with our children with the attitude that it is them who need to change, we automatically create a dysfunctional hierarchy based on control, fear and shame. However, when we shift into the realization that it is we who can change the conditions in our home – and our own reactions toward our children – then we release them from carrying the onus of the change.
We ask ourselves, “What can I change about myself or the conditions in my home, so that my child can thrive?” This turning of the spotlight within brings with it many wisdoms and insights for parents, which create immediate shifts in their relationships with their children.
A More Mindful Way to Discipline KidsConflicts with our kids are inevitable. As parents, how can we calm down when we’re feeling impatient and angry? As you say, “finding the zen in the tantrums…”
We tend to view conflicts as negative and try our best to avoid them at all costs. What if we looked at conflicts as opportunities for greater awareness, understanding and intimacy? The first step, of course, is to be aware in the exact moment you are in a conflict. Without a pause and reflection, we will simply react to the situation based on old belief systems.
In our fears of confrontation, we may simply shut down and withdraw, all the while holding a grudge. Instead, it is important to do the following: 1) view conflict as inevitable; 2) see the golden opportunities present in a conflict; 3) not get threatened by it and shut down; 4) open the heart and engage in a heartfelt dialogue where both parties speak of their belief systems, feelings and how their old life scripts were getting in the way; 5) find a win-win situation for both to emerge from.
In your private practice, you work with couples and families. What are some of the common issues that parents come to you with? What do you believe is at the root of most parental anxiety?
Most parents are stuck in an abyss of fear. They view their children through the lens of lesser-than-ness and constantly feel pressured to “fix” their kid in some way. Inevitably, they push their children to succeed in some way or another. Achievement then becomes a source of great pressure for their children, but the parents hold much of this weight, too.
Stressed out, over-scheduled and over-managed, our children grow up to be less connected to their inner voice, sense of joy and love for life than they do worrying about their next big test and what college they will end up in. It is only when we parents shed this fear around our children’s present and future that we will be able to engage with them with boundaries, yes, but not with a manic need to control them so that we can fulfill our fantasies about their future.
Helping-Teens-Find-Freedom-In-The-TruthCan you explain why traditional means of discipline don’t work? What’s the key to raising well-behaved children?
The traditional means of discipline follow the hierarchical model, which places unbridled and unchecked control in the hands of the parent. In this model, parents get to arbitrarily decide how to react to their children any time their children make them upset. Quite often, we use nonsensical ways to teach our children.
For example, we give two-year old time outs without even being aware that these things don’t teach a young one anything, except for shame and fear. Instead, we need to understand that one-third of our children’s behaviors emerge from a lack of skill, the other one-third from a lack of our clarity around how to lay clear limits and the last one-third from an upsetness of feelings within the child.
In each of these cases, we the parents need to step in and figure out what is needed. Shame, threats, yelling and punishments only create fear, shame and resentment within the child and don’t get to the root of the issue, which is something far deeper. When parents approach the sacred task of teaching their children without the tactics of control and manipulation, they help their child discover their own powers for self-discipline and negotiation, which by itself creates greater buy-in on the part of the child and also, a deeper connection with the parent.
If you could give parents one piece of advice what would it be?
The one piece of advice would be this: parenting is a joyful relationship where you can learn more from your children, much more than you can ever aspire to teach them. When you are willing to enter this relationship as a student, you will use every moment with your child – and there will be plenty – to grow and enter your highest state of consciousness. In this way, parenting becomes the portal for your highest transformation and change. What a wonderful opportunity this is indeed!
You’ve worked with Goldie Hawn’s MindUp Foundation, Kids in the House and many educational centers around the world. What’s the biggest transformation or most inspirational thing you’ve seen?
I see how conscious parenting is taking root, with more and more parents willing to see their children as mirrors to their own immaturities and emotional conditioning. Instead of using their children to make them feel better, parents are more willing to change themselves so that their children can be set free to unfold into their most authentic selves.
To buy The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali Tsabary, click here.
Rose-signature-150
Rose Caiola
Inspired. Rewired.
QUOTE:
When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a 'mini me,' but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.
Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Shefali Tsabary discuss The Awakened Family
August 5, 2016 by Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley 2 Comments
First, here are a few words from Oprah’s next Super Soul Sunday guest, Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
“The other day, this tall strapping man in his mid-forties came to me to explore his particularly difficult relationship with his father. He said to me, in a voice that turned plaintive–like that of an eight-year-old, “Will I ever meet my father’s expectations? Will he ever accept the man I’ve become today?”
“Parents, few hold a greater power or more immense responsibility. And this is why I’m here today, to propose that we occupy the role of parenthood in an entirely different way, with a renewed curiosity, a heightened awareness, and transformed commitment. Because nothing like parenthood needs to be at the forefront of our global consciousness. It is the call, the linchpin that affects how our children will thrive. Everything: how they take care of themselves, each other, the earth, show compassion, tolerate differences, handle their emotions, create, invent, innovate. This is where global transformation begins. We cannot expect our children to embody an enlightened consciousness if we parents haven’t dared to model this ourselves. It all starts with us and how we parent.”
With intellect and passion, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent, and The Awakened Family, proposes that becoming a conscious parent requires looking deeply and honestly within oneself, and delving into one’s own fears and shortcomings.
Harpo Inc., Huy Doan
Harpo Inc., Huy Doan
“Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a practicing clinical psychologist in New York State. Holding a doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University, with training in psychodynamic and cognitive-behavioral approaches, her approach to parent-child journey is a major paradigm shift.”
According to Dr. Shefali, “children serve as mirrors of their parents’ forgotten self,” and our role as parents is to preserve our child’s true self and wholeness by healing our own brokenness.
I had the opportunity to hear Dr. Shefali speak at Oprah Winfrey’s SuperSoul Sessions Live Event at UCLA. Presenting candid insights regarding the many ways “parents unwittingly pass on an inheritance of psychological pain and emotional shallowness,” Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s session was one of the most unconventional and powerful sessions presented.
Inspiring parents to set examples for children by embracing imperfections, mindfulness practices and staying open-hearted and open-minded, Oprah Winfrey will feature Dr. Shefali this Sunday, August 7th at 11 a.m. ET/PT on OWN, for the all-new season of two-time Emmy award-winning series “SuperSoul Sunday.”
“Super Soul Sunday” focuses on thought-provoking, eye-opening and inspiring conversations designed to help viewers awaken to their best selves and discover a deeper connection to the world around them.
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“Born in India, and imbedded in the teachings of the East, her approach blends eastern philosophy and western psychology. She conducts workshops on mindful living and conscious parenting around the world.”
Here is an excerpt from Dr. Shefali’s conversation with Winfrey:
Parental Expectations
Oprah: What I have learned from you in just running my school and being a mother to many of the girls at that school has changed the way I parent. Because the number one thing I let go of is my expectations.
Dr. Shefali: Yes.
Oprah: “Which, you know, at first it sounds like, oh, gee, you don’t have expectations? I let go of what my expectation for what their lives should be.”
Dr. Shefali: “Exactly. Now, you hit upon why parents live riddled in fear. Because we’re not conscious that we have expectations that come really from our own sense of lack. Things that we didn’t finish off. Things that we didn’t resolve from childhood. This is what we are not even conscious to. So I put this on my child. And culture tells me, go ahead. One person you can put your expectations on is your child. In fact, you’re expected to have expectations. Right? So now if my child is not going to fulfill my expectations, I am going to panic. And my panic will quickly become control.”
The Role of a Parent
Oprah: “What is the true job of the parent?”
Dr. Shefali: “Two tasks the parent has to commit to on a moment to moment basis.”
Dr. Shefali: “So the child who’s dawdling at homework. What will become of this child? Maybe this child will be homeless? What does this say about me as a parent? We feel the same anxieties every moment. The task of an awakened parent is, what do we do with this moment? Do we go inward? Or do we project it outward through reactivity and control. So that’s the first task of an awakened parent is to ask that question. What does this moment reflect about me?”
Oprah: “Moment to moment. Yes.”
Dr. Shefali: “And the second task, the control I give parents, and they go, really? Tell me, tell me, what’s the control I have? I say to them, you have control over the conditions that you create in your home. So if you see that your child cannot detach from the screen, guess what? You get to go and talk to your child and possibly take the phone away and say, it’s not for your highest good. And I know you’re angry with me right now. But I know that this is not for your highest good.”
When my daughter began middle school, our morning routine was a constant example of the parent-child power struggle many experience. I adamantly believed it was my job to ensure she presented herself to the world in a certain way. I wanted her to wear neatly ironed, color coordinated outfits that (I thought) made her look appropriate and presentable. Not only did she not agree, but she wanted absolutely nothing to do with the iron or anything that involved coordinated planning.
She preferred (and still does) a consistent rotation of the same worn out t-shirts, sweat pants or shorts and flip-flops. In her opinion, the only things that were of importance was if she was comfortable and that she liked her outfit. This drove me crazy. There were countless mornings when she walked into the kitchen, after getting dressed, that I remember looking at her with a look of disapproval. I can actually remember thinking, ‘What will people think of me when she shows up at school with holes in her t-shirt?’
After a few months, I began to notice we were communicating less and she appeared uncomfortable in my presence. With heartbreaking realization, I began to see that my projections were diminishing her sense of self. I was draining her spirit and trying to condition her the same way I had been conditioned. I was trying to change her and mold her into an image I myself didn’t really want to uphold. To say the least, I was making her unhappy.
It has been my experience that nothing highlights our emotional wounds more than being a parent. The very situation of being a critical and over judgmental parent, that I hoped to avoid with my daughter, is precisely the situation I had created.
After a prolonged and honest self-examination, I realized I had to let go of thinking I know what something should be, or who someone should be. She is not here to reflect my ideals of appropriate presentation, or to serve as my vessel for public comfort. I had to decide to “pick my battles” while simultaneously giving her room to express herself accordingly. It wasn’t easy, but it was absolutely necessary.
According to Dr. Shefali, “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
Dr. Shefali challenges myths of traditional parenting in ways that speak directly to surrendering in a way “lifts parenting out of the physical and into the realm of the sacred.”
By implementing just some of the ideas from The Awakened Family, I can only imagine how much better off we all would be.
In addition to airing on OWN, Dr. Shefali’s segment will also be available on SuperSoul.TV in its entirety.
For more information on Dr. Shefali Tsabary you can log onto https://drshefali.com/, or onto http://www.supersoul.tv/.
QUOTE:
Discipline, in all forms, is about attempting to control a child – to get the child to conform. While we all have to become civilized to a certain degree in order to live together successfully, forced civilization is fundamentally different from learning by example. When there is simply a way things are done in a family, and the child is encouraged and helped to pick up on this, they feel part of what’s happening rather than that something is being imposed on them. The key is to encourage them to work into family and society in a way that truly represents them, not one based merely on being pleasing to others.
Conscious Parenting Without Discipline
Interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
Author of Out of Control and The Conscious Parent
Dr Shefali TsabaryDr. Shefali Tsabary is a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City who integrates Western psychology and Eastern Philosophy in her work. She is the author of two parenting books, Out of Control (Namaste Publishing, 2014), which was reviewed in this magazine’s March/April issue and The Conscious Parent (Namaste Publishing, 2010).
Q: Your book Out of Control says the whole idea of disciplining kids is flawed. What do you mean by that?
A: Discipline, in all forms, is about attempting to control a child – to get the child to conform. While we all have to become civilized to a certain degree in order to live together successfully, forced civilization is fundamentally different from learning by example. When there is simply a way things are done in a family, and the child is encouraged and helped to pick up on this, they feel part of what’s happening rather than that something is being imposed on them. The key is to encourage them to work into family and society in a way that truly represents them, not one based merely on being pleasing to others.
If you think of the word “discipline,” it’s used mostly to refer to punishment. A person has to be “disciplined” for something or other, not only in the home but at work or in the military.
The problem is, punishment leads to resentment. Who of us ever enjoys being disciplined? When did it ever endear us to someone or to our work? It’s a turnoff.
Even in its more benign form, discipline is associated with the word “disciple,” which has connotations of following someone. We don’t want to end up with children who follow – we want leaders, individuals who know their own minds and hearts. Our world already has far too many sheep who get taken advantage of.
Q: What sort of negative impact does disciplining a child have on them later in life? In the workforce, with their own relationships?
A: Discipline is about being forced to do things. I mentioned a moment ago that one impact of discipline is resentment. A spinoff of resentment is that it undermines a child’s own initiative, undercutting their natural tendency to be a self-starter in their own unique way. It’s sort of like having a negative energy (resentment) pushing against one’s natural curiosity and excitement about life.
Another effect of disciplining children is to crush their creative, imaginative, inventive spirits. In various ways and to different degrees, the result is that they “lose touch with” themselves. Now they grow up fitting into a mold created by someone else, whether it be family, peers, or the educational system. They live according to others’ expectations, burying what’s truly unique about them.
“Parenting consciously is about helping a child discover and develop resilience, creativity, character. It’s all in there – our task is to provide a nurturing environment that draws it out.”
So their contribution to life, since it’s not authentic, is often minimal. Even if they achieve a lot, it isn’t coming from flow, but from being forced to “make something” of themselves to compensate for being crushed.
Needless to say, midlife crisis can be the result, entailing not only career but also relationship problems, since no one can relate well if they are operating only from a persona instead of their essential self. And, of course, conflict with their own children is likely to be an issue, since they won’t know how to value the individuality of their children because they weren’t recipients of such themselves.
Also, when discipline involves punishment – often mistakenly called consequences – a state of anxiety develops in a child. This can show up in a variety of symptoms, both physical and psychological, which only become magnified with time unless they are addressed at their root. We have so many disturbed kids, and hence disturbed adults, in our society! And many who aren’t exactly disturbed aren’t truly joyous.
Whenever we are forced to betray our true feelings and desires, which we so easily do as kids since we need the approval of our parents, feeling anxious is inevitable. Not just anxious about situations and events, but about our very being. And it doesn’t go away, even when we address the symptoms. It just goes underground. It makes life in some measure indigestible. There’s just an uncomfortable, ill-at-ease feeling pretty much all the time. We cover it up, but it doesn’t go away. It eats at us, producing a sense of dissatisfaction.
Such anxiety about ourselves tends toward self-doubt. However, self-doubt is often covered over by a driven sense of ego. We constantly feel we have to “prove” ourselves. Most of the anxiety people suffer later in life comes from being made to be anxious about pleasing others when they were young. Again, it’s this that produces the phenomenon of midlife crisis, when a person awakens to how their life has been a betrayal of their authentic being.
Q. You say threats, punishment, and timeouts are off the table. What’s your solution to controlling kids?
A: It isn’t about controlling kids, but about facilitating their own learning. This is best done by example – by a family ethic, such as a routine of brushing our teeth at bedtime, putting our things away, making our beds, hanging our towels up.
Learning is also encouraged by not intervening to prevent consequences teaching the child – unless there’s risk to life or limb, naturally.
Consequences aren’t “given,” as I so often hear parents say: “I have to give you a consequence.” That’s not a consequence; it’s a penalty. Consequences are the natural result of our actions, the flow of cause and effect. If you’re late, except in an emergency, after a time or two you miss the party; the parent doesn’t keep on rescuing you.
“Even in its more benign form, discipline is associated with the word ‘disciple,’ which has connotations of following someone. We don’t want to end up with children who follow – we want leaders, individuals who know their own minds and hearts.”
Rehearsing things that need to be learned is important. This is where a parent can really encourage a child to become organized and to feel pleased with his ability to be so. In my book, I talk about role playing things like getting clothes and the child’s school bag ready so as not to miss the school bus. We practice it over and over until it’s routine. Not in a forced way, but playfully, making it an adventure.
Q: Some parenting experts would say that not disciplining a child is a lazy approach to parenting. How do you feel about this?
A: Discipline, punishment, timeouts – these are the lazy way. Oh, and repeatedly saying, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times...don’t you ever listen?” You know the kind of routine things parents say. These are rote reactions, not authentic, on-the-spot, present-moment responses that truly fit the situation. Reactivity is laziness. Creative response requires a great deal of hands-on effort.
To raise a child to be true to herself requires being truly tuned in to the child, listening deeply beyond the words, hearing the heart. It also requires great personal self-confrontation to address the issues the child is triggering within us that are causing us to react. This is an often painful, difficult task. This is real hands-on parenting, attentive in every moment, and ever watchful to enable flourishing but not to control and overpower.
Q: Every parent wants the golden key to raising a well-behaved child. What are the main tips you give parents?
A: Set aside your own agenda is my first tip. Get in touch with your child’s agenda. Find out who this person really is. They will show you if you open your eyes and ears. Then work with them cooperatively. Address the needs of the whole family, helping them see how they fit into a system – how they can connect deeply, and yet not lose themselves in the relationship.
Parenting consciously is about helping a child discover and develop resilience, creativity, character. It’s all in there – our task is to provide a nurturing environment that draws it out. This is how a self-disciplined life develops.
In the story of The Little Prince, the little fellow points out that roses are not only beautiful, but they also have thorns. By thorns, he’s referring to our boundaries. So this is not permissive parenting, whereby we allow a child to walk all over us. No, the parent must have thorns – strong boundaries that we don’t allow our children to violate.
Don’t mistake the image of thorns for punishment: The thorns on a rose don’t reach out and stick it to us. They simply form a resolute boundary. When we ourselves are well defined, it teaches a child to develop their own well-defined sense of a solid core self. The key is to keep in mind that being able to define ourselves is fundamentally different from riding roughshod over others. It’s about being true to ourselves, while encouraging others to also be true to themselves.
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I loved The Awakened Family
How to grow a happy family
Amy Scribner
BookPage. (Aug. 2016): p19.
Copyright: COPYRIGHT 2016 BookPage
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Let's be honest: Parents barely have time to think or use the restroom solo. So a parenting book needs to be pretty compelling to justify using those precious few minutes when you're not semi-comatose on the couch. These common-sense guides to building a healthy family are worth your time.
I loved The Awakened Family (Viking, $27, 368 pages, ISBN 9780399563966) by Shefali Tsabary, in large part because it made me feel better about occasionally losing my cool with my own tween son. I mean, Tsabary holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and she sometimes yells at her daughter.
Tsabary explains that parents are reactive--whether that manifests itself in yelling, overindulging or hovering--because our parenting instincts are based on fear. "Whether you have inflated, grandiose ideas of your children and what they will accomplish in life, or whether you are frightened for them or disappointed in them, all of this ultimately is rooted in fear," she writes.
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She explains why we need to trust in our children's potential and argues that the best parenting lies in being quiet and open.
"The reason our children turn away from us is that they sense our desire to talk is all about us--our need to manage our anxiety and exert control," she writes. "By the age of ten, your children are very familiar with how you talk and what you say. They don't need your words of advice or admonishment. What they need instead is for you to listen and attune yourself to them."
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antidote to recent trends such as for "helicopter parenting," teaching respect for children as people in their own right and urging parents to let them thrive.
Beyond helicopter parenting
Publishers Weekly. 263.16 (Apr. 18, 2016): p110.
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Two parenting books buck the trends.
* The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting
Shefali Tsabary. Viking, $27 (368p) ISBN 978-0-399-56396-6
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"Parent, heal thyself' is the bold challenge in Tsabary's sequel to her bestselling The Conscious Parent. Tsabary teaches that even the most well-intentioned parental aspirations and expectations can stifle the development and expression of children's authentic selves. She posits that ongoing difficult behavior in children often comes from parents' immature reactions rooted in unresolved hurts, fears, and patterns from their own childhoods. Her solution takes aim at anxiety-producing cultural myths about parenting, replacing the need for control with mindful presence and self-understanding. Tsabary's calm, explanatory approach acknowledges that parents can have a hard time regulating their behavior when provoked. She has the rare ability to inspire parental reflectiveness about adult responsibilities without making the reader feel blamed, belittled, or overwhelmed. Realistic examples of everyday interactions demonstrate how family relationships can be moved to a place of partnership, empathy, and growth. Readers of Tsabary's first book will find this follow-up useful and encouraging, and those starting here will find everything they need without having to refer back. Tsabary's message is an antidote to recent trends such as for "helicopter parenting," teaching respect for children as people in their own right and urging parents to let them thrive. Agent: Jennifer Rudolph Walsh, William Morris Endeavor. (June)
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transforming read for any parent
takes complex psychology and transforms it into practical, perspective-changing advice
The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting
Joyce McIntosh
Booklist. 112.18 (May 15, 2016): p7.
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The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting. By Shefali Tsabary. May 2016.368p. Viking, $27 (9780399563966). 649.
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Best-selling author and speaker Tsabary combines the spirit of Thich Nhat Hahn's 1975 classic, Miracle of Mindfulness, with an intensive family-therapy session--and the result is a transforming read for any parent. "Only when we can separate our fantasies concerning who our children should be from who they actually are can we do justice to their original essence and craft our parenting to allow for this to flourish," says Tsabary. She focuses on the parents' awareness rather than the child's behavior. If you've ever experienced an imperfect parenting moment, or lashed out in anger as the result of a trigger from your own childhood, you'll be comforted to learn that you aren't alone. The author uses examples from her extensive therapy career, nonjudgmental "we" language, and stories from her own parenting experience to demonstrate her ideas. She takes complex psychology and transforms it into practical, perspective-changing advice. Helpful steps for change are highlighted after each section, and thoughtful poems are also provided for reflection. Copies of Tsabary's best-selling book The Conscious Parent (2010) are still circulating, and she has had appearances on TEDx and Oprah. The Awakened Family is sure to be popular in public library parenting collections.--Joyce McIntosh
Out of Control: Why disciplining your child doesn't work and what will
Skipping Stones. 26.1 (January-March 2014): p31.
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Out of Control: Why disciplining your child doesn't work and what will by Shefali Tsabary (Namaste Publishing). This is a must read for all parents who want to develop a deep connection with their children so that we address the feelings that drive their behavior. Such connection leads to self-discipline, respect and strong character marked by natural resilience. ISBN 978-1-897238-65-3
The Conscious Parent
Skipping Stones. 23.4 (September-October 2011): p24.
Copyright: COPYRIGHT 2011 Skipping Stones
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The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary (Namaste Publishing). ISBN 978-1-897238-45-5. This extraordinary book shows us we can raise our children as conscious adults if we, the parents (and educators) allow ourselves to reach a higher level of consciousness. The author shifts the focus away from the traditional "Know it-all" approach to a mutual parent-with-child relationship where we can learn alongside the children. Then mutual kinship and spiritual partnership become the norm of the parent-child journey. A conscious person is naturally loving and authentic. For all parents & educators.
The Awakened Family
A Revolution in Parenting
By Shefali Tsabary
A real life-saver for those seeking to make parenthood into a genuine spiritual adventure.
Book Review by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat
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Shefali Tsabary is an expert in family dynamics and personal development who runs a private practice in New York City. She specializes in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy and is the author of the bestselling book The Conscious Parent.
Sometimes, the last shall be the first. We were very impressed with the appendix to this top-drawer volume. It contains "Thirty Daily Reminders to Build Consciousness" as a necessary and salutary parenting skill. Here are a few of them:
"Focus on who your child is today, not what they do.
"Let go of emphasis on their performance, tests, achievements, or chores.
"Commit to being judgment-free today, no matter what the triggers.
"Pause and take a step back. Before you react with judgment, ask, 'Does this really matter in the long run? '
"Open conversations with observations, not questions; with comfort, not control.
"Invite your children to talk to you by letting them know they don't have to talk at all.
"Validate them to feel exactly what they feel at any given moment.
"Create humility by reminding them that it's human to have limitations.
"Teach acceptance of who they are becoming each day, so they think in terms of progress, not perfection."
Tsabary sets out on an ambitious mission here: to present a new model of parenthood where fathers, mothers, and children are "mutual partners on a path of growth founded on increasing consciousness." She points out the damage that can be done to family relationships by the roars of the ego, thoughtless reactivity, and the predatory powers of fear. With great elan, Tsabary shatters such parenting myths as parents need to be in control, parenting is about raising a happy child, there are good children and bad children, and a successful child is ahead of the curve.
The author shows how we can reframe parenting skills by moving from expectations to engagement, from mindless reaction to mindful presence, from chaos to stillness, from role to no-role, from emotions to feelings, and from judgment to empathy.
The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary is a real lifesaver for those seeking to make parenthood into a genuine spiritual adventure with their children as partners.
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most of us at the parenting coalface would agree that we hardly need a tome to explain the very least required of us is a state of consciousness,
latest addition to the parenting self-help stable has cleverly harnessed the industry’s current buzz-word: mindfulness
Will the new childcare bible win over British parents?
A "revolutionary" new parenting guide, The Conscious Parent, has taken the US by storm. Ignore grandparents' advice, it recommends, and let your child raise you. But will it fare as well over here?
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The Conscious Parent
The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabar (pictured) has already topped the US sales charts - but what will British parents think of its unconventional approach to childcare?
By Sarah Chalmers7:00AM GMT 03 Jan 2015CommentsComment
Cancel the Kumon maths, get down off the naughty step and tear up that reward chart; there’s a new childcare bible in town.
Less ferocious than Amy Chua’s Tiger Mother and more at peace with itself than Gina Ford’s Contented Baby, The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary has already topped the US sales charts since it was published there in 2010.
Next week, it will be released here by Hodder imprint Yellow Kite and while most of us at the parenting coalface would agree that we hardly need a tome to explain the very least required of us is a state of consciousness, the pre-publication hype would have us believe this book is revolutionary.
“The most profound book on parenting I’ve ever read,” gushed Oprah Winfrey, who has devoted not one but an unprecedented two programmes on her television network to Dr Tsabary.
Published in the US by Namaste (yes, really), the latest addition to the parenting self-help stable has cleverly harnessed the industry’s current buzz-word: mindfulness. The Dalai Lama has even written the preface, which includes the less-than-profound observation that: “One of the causes of the close bond between children and parents is the natural kindness that exists between them.”
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And just months after we learned that “conscious uncoupling” is actually another term for separation (thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin), we learn that conscious parenting means dispensing with the old parent-in-charge, reward and punishment method of child-rearing. In its place is a system in which the “child raises the parent”, by helping him or her reach spiritual enlightenment.
Throughout the 17 chapters of her book, US-based clinical psychologist and mother-of-one Dr Tsabary explains that we can only hope to create well-adjusted adults by eschewing the normal hierarchy of parent to child “know-it-all” and replacing it with a “parent with child” approach, which relies on you forming a “relationship with your own inner state of wholeness”. No, me neither.
In order to reach this state, Tsabary urges us to ignore the advice of grandparents, shed the baggage weighing us down from our own childhoods and stop letting our obsession with ego – assuming our child must live up to our expectations – colour the way we parent. So rather than setting our children on a course towards better grades, better education and better opportunities in the future, Tsabary says we should let them evolve naturally (great news for anyone who forgot violin practice over the Christmas break).
But will cynical British audiences - drowning under the weight of the 83,835 parenting titles already on the shelf - buy into this theory?
Siobhan Freegard, founder of Netmums, the UK’s biggest parenting website, fears the book will make already-stressed parents feel more guilty. “I look at it and feel bad thinking about all the 'essential’ things I didn’t do with my kids,’’ she explains. ''The whole idea of the perfect mother is what leads so many women to become depressed.
“I read posts all the time from people saying: 'I thought I’d be a Gina Ford mother, or a Baby Whisperer, but my child had other ideas.’ Finally, people are having the courage to say: 'We are just going to do it our own way and the way that feels right for our family.’”
Gillian Edwards, of calmerparenting.co.uk, who counts celebrities such as Helena Bonham Carter among her clients, agrees. “The idea that you can instill a sense of calm when your children are rampaging around is just unrealistic.”
Ana Ribeiro, a mindfulness tutor and clinical psychologist, says the whole concept of mindfulness was initially treated with skepticism on these shores. “It is seen as being a bit hippyish.’’ she says. ''But if you are calmer and less stressed, that rubs off on your children.”
Certainly, mindfulness is seeping into all aspects of life – with devotees from Rupert Murdoch to William Hague, and businesses such as Google seeing its benefits.
Freegard says there are aspects of Dr Tsabary’s thesis that harassed parents would love to adopt – if only they had the time. “Ploughing through a whole book on mindfulness when you have the unrelenting demands of babies and toddlers is unrealistic, but there are nuggets within it that are worth fostering, in particular the notion of accepting your children for who they are, not what you want them to be.
“We see parents living their lives vicariously through their children all the time; cheering them on at football or pushing them to take a ballet exam - and we could all benefit from just enjoying them as they are. If you can manage two or even five minutes a day to just look your child in the eye and enjoy the moment, you’d be doing great; never mind 24 hours of it.”
She adds: “Maybe if you have a nanny, or are not actually doing that much parenting, the philosophy of books like these are great. Otherwise it’s the stuff of fantasy.” And it’s coming to a book shelf near you.
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thought-provoking and inspiring read, I found that it lacked the meaty research-based statistics and analogies that my sleepy mom mind needs to process these sort of self help books.
Tsabary argues that we need to revel in our children’s ordinariness by letting go of our ego and allowing children to fulfill their own destiny.
BOOK REVIEW | THE CONSCIOUS PARENT, BY SHEFALI TSABARY, PHD
BY MRS. SKATEBOARD APRIL 3, 2015 @ 2:00 PM
bookcover
I just finished reading the highly praised book, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves Empowering Our Children, by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Although it was a thought-provoking and inspiring read, I found that it lacked the meaty research-based statistics and analogies that my sleepy mom mind needs to process these sort of self help books. I don’t really have the patience to figure out how to fight my unconscious – I need more direction (just tell me what to do!). Topics jumped around, it was a little vague in spots, a bit unrealistic and the spiritual nature of this book out of my comfort zone. Tsabary calls for a parental revolution; a parental paradigm shift, which all requires becoming conscious. To me, this is an ambiguous term and a parent can be conscious in a variety of ways (for me this doesn’t happen before my second cup of coffee). The description of what is necessary to become a conscious parent is still foggy (but hey, I struggled in philosophy) and battling my unconscious seems like a heavy task when I’m just trying to make sure that my 2-year-old’s pants remain dry all day long.
The Conscious Parent is the antithesis of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom by Amy Chua. Where Chua lets her ego bask in her children’s over-achievement, Dr. Shefali Tsabary argues that we need to revel in our children’s ordinariness by letting go of our ego and allowing children to fulfill their own destiny.
When I read Battle Hymn I experienced horror (poor girls), admiration (good for you Chua, it takes a lot of work to be a Tiger Mom), and panic (shoot, I better find the nearest Suzuki program for my four-year-old). But, on the other end of spectrum while reading The Conscious Parent, I didn’t feel any better. I was struck with twinges of guilt and found myself getting defensive. You see, I have a confession, I’m an over scheduler and I like being hyper busy – basically the parental antagonist that Dr. Tsabary scolds in her book.
Am I really so horrible by making my children learn to swim, take tennis lessons, meet new friends at lacrosse or cheering them on at soccer practice? Tsabary states that from birth to age six children should, “Have leisure to flap their wings around in play and exploration, with lots of space for rest and simply doing nothing”(pg. 183). Was I allowing my kids to have wild freedom and to be authentic to who they are? Or was I filling my children’s lives with countless activities and artificial trinkets robbing them of their imagination and hence their ability to create their own pleasure (pg. 162).
ADVERTISEMENTTsabary asks us as parents to question our motives for the things that we force on our children. “As we uncover the ways in which our past drives us, we gradually become capable of parenting consciously” (pg. 14). I didn’t have to think much about this — I’m an overscheduler because while growing-up my family struggled to make ends-meet, so extracurricular activities were completely out of the question. I’ve always wished that I could have been in ballet or gymnastics or that my exhausted mom, after working the graveyard shift, would have had the energy to push me to practice my loaned violin. So yes, I have emotional baggage, or as Tsabary calls it I’m passing along my emotional inheritance. But, I’d like to think I’m coming from a place of guidance and exploration and exposure to different opportunities versus one of making my child an extension of me as Tsabary suggests.
I’m really simplifying Tsabary’s book. There was much more to it than just the over-scheduling bit, although that seems to have resonated most with me. I slogged through the first half of the book and for some reason found the second half more interesting. Tsabary’s narrative, which is mostly her own parenting reflection, was full of inspiring parenting one-liners that would look great on chalkboard in your house. So, I did find it a difficult book at times, but there were several pearls that I took from the pages. If you don’t have time to read the whole book, get it anyway, watch the Ted Talk (it’s good) and then skim the book for the lists.
Here are some of my favorite excerpts:
Letting children know that they are accepted for who they are, apart from the things that they do. She lists several ways to do this, including this sweet one, “Thank them for being in your life.” Or this “Kiss them and tell them you love being in their presence.”
I liked the list called, “What we can hope for our children.” This included two of my favorites:
Not that they will be a good achiever, but a good listener.
Not that they will obey you, but that they will respect you.
Allow room for stillness. I really liked Tsabary’s tradition of sitting in silence with her family for 10 minutes every Saturday. Maybe not completely realistic with a 2-year old, but one day.
And, my favorite Tsabary’s final words, her parenting mantras in the back of the book (just a few)
It is we who teach our children how to be greedy by giving them diamonds instead of sticks and stones
It is we who teach our children how to fear adventure by rewarding their successes and reprimanding their failures
It is we who teach our children to lose their motivation and zeal by pressuring them to excel and “be something”
It is we who teach our children to be bullies by dominating their spirit and silencing their voice
It is we who teach our children to be inattentive and distracted by inundating their lives with busy activities, leaving no space for stillness
It is we who teach our children to become anxious by denying the celebration of our own present as we constantly focus on tomorrow
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Even though I don’t agree with everything Shefali writes, like the labeling excercise she prescribes, this still remains a very important book, one - I feel - every parent or aspiring parent should read.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Book Review: The Conscious Parent
Posted by Laura Schuerwegen Labels: book review, peaceful parenting
I received a copy of The Conscious Parent for review purposes.
As you might have noticed from previous posts (like "Excercise in Being Present"), I have been reading The Conscious Parent, written by Shefali Tsabary. As usual, reading took me a while, because I simply have very little reading time with all the moving and the child caring and the writing.
Even though I don’t agree with everything Shefali writes, like the labeling excercise she prescribes, this still remains a very important book, one - I feel - every parent or aspiring parent should read. It is so filled with Truth and well illustrated by very recognizable anecdotes, I found myself nodding at most of it throughout the book.
What she writes about unconsciousness and egoic reactions is so very true, and is - in my opinion - one of the main problems in Western society, not only when it comes to child raising, but when it comes to life itself.
I love the way she explains that parenting can be an extremely enriching practice, a spiritual path even. This is something I deeply agree with.
Another positive note is that she doesn't write this as an expert, as a PhD, but as a mother, who is flawed too, and who is unafraid to share her flaws and the learning experiences she reaped from them.
Sadly, she loses me at the end where she writes about discipline, notably when she mentions that time-out and taking away precious things might be a decent disciplinary option. I also disagree with some of the exercises, as I have mentioned in a previous article, but I have to face that these books aren’t just written for me, but for a more mainstream audience, that probably does benefit from these kind of excercises.
If every parent parented in the way this book portrays, or at least aspires to parent consciously - as conscious parenting is an ongoing process - even given the flaws in her disciplinary approach, the world would be a better place.
QUOTE:
ade me realize so many things about the way I mother my kids. There were points in the book that made me feel like being slapped on the face. I had the time to reflect that most of my practices as a parent I thought were correct but obviously didn't work at all.
The book turned me around. I saw the difference in the way my kids responded to me when I started exercising the strategies that Dr. Shefali shared.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
MUST-READ: Out of Control by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D.
Moms, we have our own triumphs and struggles as parents. Some days are better than others.
I have a happy family but it's not perfect especially when it comes to bringing up my kids. It's not easy to be a mom.
Unconsciously, we tend to raise our children the way we were raised up by our parents. We have the tendency of intervening in their growth by always being there, catching them when they fall. They become so dependent and they become unprepared facing the realities of life because we shelter them too much. Our inconsistencies bring confusion and sometimes because of this, they get away with things that are not appropriate. Boundaries that are not set clearly, not being observant in our kids' way of reaching out, trying to become aggressors instead of guides make their lives with us chaotic.
Giving the chance to read Out of Control by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. made me realize so many things about the way I mother my kids. There were points in the book that made me feel like being slapped on the face. I had the time to reflect that most of my practices as a parent I thought were correct but obviously didn't work at all.
The book turned me around. I saw the difference in the way my kids responded to me when I started exercising the strategies that Dr. Shefali shared.
Let me give you the excerpts that struck me the most where I started thinking of my own realizations and looked backed on my own experiences as a child and parent:
1 "When we engage with our children from the belief that child discipline is a vital aspect of our role as parents, we assume children are inherently undisciplined and need to be civilized."
2 "Disciplining our child by taking away their phone, yelling or grounding, hitting them only perpetuates the problem, not resolving it."
3 "The patterns of behavior we witness in childhood become the template for our own way of parenting."
4 "We become blinded with our ideals that we forget that we cause damage to our children. if we believe something is for our child's own good, we force our ways on them. Terrorizing a child is a terrible thing to do unless you want to teach them to terrorize."
5 "We don't give consequence. Consequence is something that's automatically built into a situation without having to do anything at all. The moment we imagine we have to give our child a consequence, which requires us to think one, we have moved into the realm of punishment."
6 "The only time we should interfere with natural consequence taking effect is if there's real danger, such as when a child is about to run into a busy road, swallow a poisonous substance, or in other way harm themselves or another person. In other words consequences that are inherently detrimental for children on a universal basis that the child may not know about or understand. In these circumstances we parents have to step in."
7 "When a child's behavior isn't up to par, parents feel they need to do something- whether rescuing them, punishing them, bribing them, or in some way intervening. In contrast, exposing our children to NATURAL CONSEQUENCES requires us to step back from so much doing, while actively monitoring how life is teaching our children and providing encouragement and guidance when they require it."
8 "The reality is that children learn not because we tell them, but how we relate to them. It's the difference between doing to versus doing with."
9 "All conflict with our children originates with our own internal subconscious conflicts."
10 "Our children absorb our ways constantly. They are always watching, listening, making a mental note of what we are doing and how we do it."
11"Every yes or no needs to be part of a coherent flow, not said out of the blue for no real reason. A child raised with such consistency is no longer driven to either comply or defy. They live in harmony with as is or reality."
12 "It's the dynamic that arises from insisting on our own parental agenda that creates the need for discipline."
13 "When it comes to accepting ourselves as imperfect, we set the tone for our children. The degree to which they accept their imperfection tends to be the degree to which we accept and honor our own."
14 "Although we need to abandon our need for perfection, this doesn't mean anything goes. We can challenge our children to do their best without demanding they become perfectionist or conform with the mainstream."
15 "There are all kinds of ways we can help our children cope with their world. Creativity is what is needed, not admonishment or discipline."
16 "Our children didn't come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy- a journey for which they need our encouragement."
17 "Our children are constantly telling us what's going on in their inner world through their behavior. But if we don't know how to dicipher the clues, we can't get to the root of the behavior and therefore can't offer the guidance and support that's needed."
18 "Children have similar struggles with feeling hurt, except that they cover up their hurt by rolling their eyes, using rude words, or sticking their tongue out at us. As the stakes become higher, they engage in more risky behavior, which is why you see teens taking drugs, binge drinking, or become promiscuous. These are children who are screaming for help but not receiving it."
19 "Age appropriateness is a keystone of effective parenting. We do our children a disservice by putting them in situations they aren't yet mature enough to handle."
20 "Children are naturally resourceful and only require our guidance, not our manipulation."
21 "Symbiosis is a state in which a child is utterly dependent on the parent, as if the parent were part of the child. Symbiosis is necessary at first because the only way a child can get their needs met is through the parent. While this is appropriate early in the child's life, it's crucial the parent encourage the child to form their own unique identity at an appropriate pace. If the symbiosis continuous too long, the child fails to develop an independent sense of self and remains needy into the adult years. Such neediness then sabotages the individual's ability to function well in the adult world."
22 "It's important to realize that even the seemingly more benign tactics we use to get our children to comply with our wishes are manipulative. 'If you aren't good, Santa won't bring you a Barbie,' a mother tells her six-year-old daughter...All of these are manipulative."
23 "The objective of a creative dialogue around whatever behavior has emerged is to enable our children to meet their own needs within the container of the family's guidelines. The goal is always to empower the child to discover how to regulate his or her own emotions, which automatically results in behavior falling in line with the child's best interest. This requires us to create a safe space for our children to share their problems with us, so that we can creatively develop criteria that work for everyone involved. 'Safe' means our child is permitted to say without being judged, reprimanded, or punished."
24 "By not turning those aspects of life that are optional into issues, we allow a child's natural interests space to emerge, which is the key to their success. When parents take what's naturally life-sustaining and push it on their child for their own ego's gratification, they do the child a disservice because they have moved away from development and into manipulation."
25 "Dysfunctional behavior is always a sign the child has lost touch with who she or he really is. This is why the idea of having rules isn't helpful. It's not about rules, but about connection- of the child to their own inner being and of the parent to the child."
26 "When we fail to foster our children's natural curiosity, allowing them to develop in areas of life with which they connect instead of imposing a set curriculum on them that has more to do with our concerns than theirs, they lose their innate connection to life."
27 "Lack of heart creates the bully, the criminal, the rapist, and the psychopath, not a lack of discipline."
28 "The key element in preventing children from becoming victims of bullying is to encourage their assertiveness... Parents encourage assertiveness when they allow their children's voice to be heard loudly and clearly in the family. A child who can be assertive at home automatically becomes assertive on the playground. Bullies can smell fear. A child who is confident has such an aura of presence about them that they aren't on the bully's radar for long."
29 "Instead of disciplining children, which is inevitably directed toward compliance, parents need to teach their child to know their feelings and not be afraid to speak up if something isn't right. Coming to our children's aid when a situation becomes severe is important, but it's also essential we are attuned to their needs from a young age and teach them to be fearless when it comes to being their own advocates."
30 "If we are to end bullying, all eyes need to turn to the parent-child relationship. Intervention programs at school can only touch the surface level of this complex problem, which has far deeper roots. Intervention needs to begin in the family at an early age, so that children learn to stand up for themselves."
31 "At its roots, sibling rivalry is rivalry for parental attention. Cooperation among siblings emerges when each child feels seen and validated by their parents. When one child begins to feel the other is being favored, things go awry. However, when parents are able to instill within each child the sense that they will be treated fairly and with respect, children don't view each other as rivals, but as allies."
32 "All children yearn for connection- not correction."
33 "The goal of parenting is to love our child from an inner feeling of abundance, which means we don't approach them with fear for their well-being or success. Because we feel complete in ourselves, we have no need to make them conform to need within ourselves. We meet our own needs from the authentic sense of ourselves we have begun to recover, which allows us to be there for our children in the way they require, free of neediness on our part. How they look or perform is no reflection on us. Wanting them to be happy and successful because we will feel better if they are falls by the wayside."
Tsabary, S. (2014), Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't...And What Will. Namaste Publishing
As parents, we should acknowledge our kids' worth and wholeness. Let us not betray them because of the way we were raised and conditioned by our own parents. Our kids are unique. They have worth and have the right to be who they are and not the way we impose them to be.
I encourage you, dear parents, to read Out of Control. It will dramatically change your parent-child relationship like we did. This is probably the best parenting book that I've read so far.
****************************************
About the Book
Every parent wants the golden key to raising well-behaved, academically gifted, successful, happy children. Embedded in our collective psyche is the notion that discipline is the cornerstone to achieving these goals. This book lambasts this notion, offering a never-before-published perspective on why the entire premise of discipline is flawed. Dr. Shefali Tsabary shows that the very idea of discipline is a major cause of generations of dysfunction.
Out of Control goes to the heart of the problems we have with our children, challenging society’s dependence of discipline, daring us to let go of our fear-based ideologies and replace them with an approach that draws parent and child together instead of alienating them. The key is ongoing meaningful connection between parent and child, free of head games such as threats, deprivation, punishment, timeouts—indeed, all forms of manipulation. Parents learn how to enter into deep communion with their children, understanding the reasons for a behavior and how to bring out the best in the child. Far from a laissez-faire anything goes approach, this is how a child learns responsibility and takes ownership of their life, equipped with character and resilience that flow naturally from within.
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I will extend you an invitation to read the book Out of Control you will be amaze about all the subjects that PhD Tsabary discuss in her book and how you can work to improve or build a better relation with your child, and see why the way you’re discipline your child might not be as effective as you thing it should be.
Out of Control by Shefali Tsabary PhD Book Review
Posted on Apr 28 2014 - 10:22am by Remy Cruz
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namaste_out_of_control_coverWhen I was contacted to review the book Out of Control by Shefali Tsabary PhD I was really exited to read about this book and share the insights with my readers. As a mother of two boys (one 13 years old the other 4 years old) sometimes I find myself frustrated with the gap of ages and the different needs they want me to expect to fulfill as a parent, or even more try to get them get along. In addition to that, lets face each child has a unique personality and you live different experiences with each of one, and finally our children does not comes with an instruction booklet to know everything about them, and what involves parenting. Now what if I tell you that the book Out of Control will teach how who to develop a better relationship with you child, no matter how challenging his or her age stage is. This book addresses examples parenting styles and children behaviors towards discipline that might trigger anxiety not only to the parents, but the complete family nucleus. Moreover, will bring examples of mistakes that you as parent do, thinking that you are doing great towards your children behavior. Don’t get me wrong! I do not want you to think that you do not need a book to tell you how to discipline your children. But I do believe that this book addresses many mistakes that we do as a parents regarding discipline. While reading this book I identify myself in many readings, and I also internalize the message of Shefali in her words. Discipline our children could turn into a nightmare, when you do not see the results that you want to see as a parent. However, you as a parent will need to understand that not all forms of discipline has the impact towards your child’s behavior that you expect. You do not want your children to see you like a BOSS or you do not want them to think that been a FRIENDLY parent, you will lose control over discipline. Is there a balance? Yes there is a balance on what you want your children to learn, and how you could discipline them to have a better outcome in your relationship with your child. I will share one of my mistakes, that I had been doing for years regarding my sons grades. As soon he enters the door, I ask him how was your day? how was your test? Did you have trouble completing your test? and many other question regarding school. I do not give that time frame to my child to relax from school, and sometimes I had notice that his answers were short and simple ” It was ok” like putting a barrier between me and him regarding all the 10 questions per minute that I always have for him. Even if I see a C or D on his grades, will go literally insane about why he did bad on the test, but I did not focus in what was the cause of his lack of performance in his grades. Now on the other hand, after reading the book Out of Control PhD Tsabary addresses that is good to give your child that space to relax, give them the time to them to express for themselves, without bombarding them with so many questions. It’s not that you do not care about his or her performance in school, is to give your child the in dependency of talking to you, about what bothers them in school, how bad or good they did on a test, listening the reasons of the lack of performance in his or her grades, and how was their day. You can even practice at the end of the day a family time, where everybody gathers and talk about things that happened during the day and so on. Furthermore, you can practice many others way of discipline regarding your child behavior but all these tips are in the book Out of Control. I will extend you an invitation to read the book Out of Control you will be amaze about all the subjects that PhD Tsabary discuss in her book and how you can work to improve or build a better relation with your child, and see why the way you’re discipline your child might not be as effective as you thing it should be.
I was not financially compensated for this post. I received the digital book for review purposes. The opinions are completely my own based on my experience, for more information visit our Disclosure Policy.
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This book is just simply amazing. The world would be such a different place if we all read this book.
This book, the Conscious Parent, [It] helps us to understand that children are just like us and we are just like children.
Book Review: The Conscious Parent
Dirk Becker
Author: Dirk Becker
Article:
“The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children”
by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Namaste Publishing 978-1-897238-45-5
This book is just simply amazing. The world would be such a different place if we all read this book. Especially, if through reading it, we could forgive ourselves for the many times we have betrayed the innocence, vulnerability and purity of a child.
Imagine if you could take a special pill that allowed you to be a child again without the beliefs, judgements, fears, projected crap, brainwashing and social conditioning that you struggle with now as an adult. Now then, take that understanding and awareness and refrain from doing to children and grandchildren those things that were done to you.
Imagine how different a person you would be right now. How much more kind, thoughtful, loving, accepting and compassionate you could be right now if you hadn’t essentially been taught to do otherwise. Every human being from birth, if not before, is an empty vessel that comes prefilled with love and light. Our responsibility as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, pastors and the like is to not only not squelch, let alone crush, this beauty in our most vulnerable but to cultivate it as we would tender young plants in a garden. Children, like plants, require nourishment, particularly in the form of love and acceptance.
This book, the Conscious Parent, helps us to understand that children are just like us and we are just like children. We are all the same. We all have the same needs. The more we can create safety and a safe place for any child to be who they are in their essence, the more we become guides and facilitators for them to fully realize themselves and become who they were meant to be!
A quote from the book: “As parents, unless we learn to live from being rather than doing, listening to our inner voice instead of being driven by external factors, the parent-child journey will be fueled by anxiety and drama. When we shift from egoic doing to authentic being, our worldview changes… no longer locked into the past, but present now.”
Cultivating Self-Awareness in Parents
By Diana Divecha | June 17, 2016 | 1 Comment
A new book argues that parents need to focus more on themselves and less on their children.
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I felt for the preschooler in the park whose mother issued a steady stream of instructions: “Go down the slide, put your shoes on, be careful, stay out of the dirt.”
When he eyed me and my dog with curiosity, I responded. “Would you like to throw the ball for my dog? She’d love it!” I said.
Viking, 2016, 368 pages Viking, 2016, 368 pages
He picked up the ball and gave it a few squeezes, but his mother had more instructions: “Don’t squeeze the ball, throw it. Throw it over there. Throw it hard.” There wasn’t much breathing room for the child to explore the ball, his throwing ability, the dog, or just a friendly interpersonal exchange. However well-intentioned, this “playtime” seemed more about the parent.
In her fourth book, The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting, Shefali Tsabary argues that parenting should be focused more on developing parents’ maturity—and less on children themselves.
Children come into the world naturally “awake,” or aware of who they truly are, claims Tsabary. The problems that show up in children—anxiety, behavior problems, resistance—are not of their doing, but are really manifestations of problems with parents who are not sufficiently enlightened, awake, or conscious, according to Tsabary. She may have a point: If the mother of that preschooler continues to be so controlling, I can well imagine a future for them of conflict and resistance.
Despite the word “revolution” in the title, the message of Awakened Family is not new—but it does bear repeating.
For at least a hundred years, clinicians, scholars, and even poets have called for a shift in the focus of parenting away from the children and onto the parents. The Swiss psychologist Alice Miller wrote extensively about the ways that parents who were physically or psychologically harmed as children unconsciously pass on their wounds. Scholars validated the intergenerational transmission of trauma, linking child abuse to later adult violence. Family therapists found that many of children’s behavior problems go away when parents alone receive counseling. And last month, at the annual meeting of the Association for Psychological Science, developmental scientist Alison Gopnik urged parents to nurture but not shape their children, and to back down from the pervasive supervision, control, and directiveness of today’s intense parenting.
Tsabary is not even talking about abuse or trauma. She has a more refined lens focusing particularly on parents’ desires to control their children, especially in the service of achievement, which can stoke parents’ egos but doesn’t necessarily support children’s emotional and mental needs. When children bend in response to their parents’ egos, Tsabary says, they become anxious and depressed. The key to conscious parenting is to become aware of the ego—the false construction of the self, who we believe and think we are, much of which is rooted in fear. Though Awakened Family contains some serious flaws, Tsabary’s message is one that many parents need to hear.
Loving parents, harmful beliefs
The first half of Awakened Family unpacks the most common harmful beliefs that cloud parents’ ability to see their children clearly: that parents assume themselves to be perfect, that parenting is not about the adult but about the child, that control is a kind of caring, or that preparing for the future is more important than the present moment. Parents project their own needs, dreams, and expectations onto children, yet they are also afraid of being rejected by their children. All of these parental beliefs and fears contaminate children’s ability to keep their spirits intact, to grow their authentic voices. Parenting, Tsabary says, is about managing parents’ dynamics—the children are okay.
Tsabary’s guidance is based on her clinical and personal experience and influenced by yoga philosophy and mindfulness traditions. When parents are “aware,” she says, their family naturally thrives. “Empowered with self-awareness, boundless in self-belief, liberated in self-expression, each feels free to explore, discover, and manifest their authentic being. This is the mandate of the awakened family.”
Tsabary holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Columbia University but her advice is not based on research or developmental science. While that doesn’t preclude it from being good advice, there are some direct conflicts that may contribute to inaccurate ideas about how children develop.
For example, Tsabary says that babies are born in a state of perfection and “awakeness,” when cognitive research shows that babies have predispositions and biases—for better or worse—and the way the predispositions manifest depends a lot on the care they encounter. And in her enthusiasm, Tsabary implies that parenting involves only a focus on growing one’s own maturity, to the exclusion of taking into account children’s developmental processes, unique temperamental differences, or the “co-constructive” nature of development that is the product of the unique interaction among multiple layers of influences, from economy and culture to genes. And she out-Rousseaus Rousseau in her romantic vision of children: In an awakened family, “[children] will naturally develop a self-discipline.” This is, in a word, unlikely.
Tsabary’s language assumes a familiarity with Eastern-leaning philosophies: Phrases like “grounded in your own center,” “awakening in the present moment,” “deepest self,” and “usher our children into their own self-realization” are used liberally but not defined.
Unfortunately, she also contradicts herself: When explaining how parents can resolve their fears, projections, and ego-based control, she first advises that “We don’t have to go way back into our childhood to excavate the roots of our fear,” but instead can watch it in the present moment—surely a relief to many parents. Yet only a few pages later, Tsabary cautions that “The only way we can ultimately free our children from our dependency is if we have freed ourselves from our parents.” In a chapter titled “How the Culture Sets Up Parents to Fail,” there is no actual mention of cultural dynamics. And she does not answer questions a novice parent might raise, in reaction to her philosophy, such as, “What is the line between supporting a child’s authentic self and coddling them? What about teaching children actual skills?”
Transformative tools
Despite these editorial flaws, the message of the book is vitally important and may contribute to advancing the human rights of children. Tsabary makes some bold and much-needed points:
Traditional parenting, she says, has sanctioned the “unbridled use of parental power.” Punishments, time-outs, threats, shaming, and silencing aren’t effective but are hallmarks of “lazy and rote parenting.” “I am dead set against children being ostracized to naughty corners, stools, or steps,” Tsabary writes.
Just because a parent gets triggered, it doesn’t mean that a child is wrong, and it doesn’t confer the legitimacy of an adult to “fix” a child.
Most parenting books teach how to manipulate children out of feeling what they’re feeling; to stop a behavior rather than to teach how to negotiate feelings in constructive ways.
Tsabary encourages parents to move away from disciplinary techniques to creating healthy boundaries—something that requires an examination of the adult’s psychology. Children thrive within a predictable structure, she says, but often parents’ own relationship to limits is “wishy-washy.” It is our ability to set good limits, structure, and expectations for our children that fosters their sense of discipline.
One important tool in this transformation is mindfulness: At risk of over-promising, she says, when we are alert to the present moment, the ego and all its attachments, ideas and agendas fall away. “We witness, engage, act, let go.”
The second transformative tool is taking five minutes of silence, or inserting a pause between being triggered and formulating a response. This is consistent with advice coming from emotional intelligence (the “meta-moment”) as well as neuroscience, which shows that when we’re triggered, it takes time for the thinking part of our brain to kick back in. Taking five minutes of silence, Tsabary says, allows “space for the wisest action to enter our awareness.”
In the early part of the twentieth century, Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself…You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.” Tsabary’s message may not be new, but her ability to amplify it is. She is a loquacious, telegenic force that is saturating new media and is a favorite of Oprah.
The real revolution, though, may lie in transforming such words into action. How can we make the change that Tsabary and others are talking about for all adults, not just parents but also educators, who have children’s waking attention for at least as much time as parents do? Now that will take an army.