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WORK TITLE: Mid-Life Ex Wife
WORK NOTES:
PSEUDONYM(S):
BIRTHDATE:
WEBSITE:
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NATIONALITY: British
Boohoo, Why Are Older Men Looking at Women Half Their Age?
RESEARCHER NOTES:
PERSONAL
Born c. 1960.
ADDRESS
CAREER
Writer and columnist.
WRITINGS
Former author of a column, “Mid-Life Ex-Wife,” London Guardian.
SIDELIGHTS
Stella Grey is a British writer and former columnist for the London Guardian. Her column, titled “Mid-Life Ex-Wife,” chronicled her foray into online dating after her husband left her for another women and following a divorce at the end of their long-term marriage. The column covered approximately eighteen months, from 2015 to 2016, during which Grey struggled to come to terms with the unfamiliar rules of dating in the online world. Complicating matters were issues of maturity and aging she hadn’t had to face previously, but which had become major factors in the search for a romantic partner, or even a one-time date. Many of the columns focus on her experiences with Edward, a man she met at the height of her disillusionment with the online dating scene. The column ended in 2016 after she made a commitment to Edward, the man she felt would be her longtime life partner.
In Mid-Life Ex-Wife: A Diary of Divorce, Online Dating, and Second Chances, Grey uses her column as background material to tell the full story of her divorce, her reentry into the dating pool, and the difficulties of finding lasting love as someone starting over in middle age. In all aspects of the book, Grey writes honestly and candidly about her experiences. She notes how she created an online dating profile that provided as much detail as possible about herself and that did not downplay her age, her physical appearance, or any other factor that could cause difficulty in her search.
She describes in detail may of the less-than-encouraging encounters she had, many of which went nowhere because she was immediately rejected over her age, her looks, or some other superficial characteristic. Some of the men she met through her dating profile were insulting, whether inadvertently or deliberately, and some displayed outright sexist and ageist attitudes. She describes the emotional stress of meeting yet another person and the frequent letdowns that occurred when the online spark didn’t carry over into the real world. Many of the men she met were interested only in sex, and while she admits some of her dates did end up in bed, that was not her primary motivation.
Grey is dismayed by some of the realities of dating in the online world, particularly as a mature women over the age of fifty. Physical attractiveness played a major role, one that often left her baffled, longing for the physical appearance she had years before, or lamenting the unfairness that exists between standards for men and for women. In one of her columns, quoted by Amy Alkon in the London Observer, Grey wrote, “There seems to be a gender imbalance, vis-a-vis the packaging thing. All the women I know are tolerant of middle age showing itself in a chap. We quite like a late flowering, in fact: the silvering, the smile lines, the coming of bodily sturdiness. We read these as signs that life has been lived and enjoyed. We read them as indicators of substance, of being substantial. In general, men don’t seem to grant us the same courtesy, at least not the men I meet online. They are highly focused on the packaging. It’s disheartening.”
Readers of Grey’s column who followed her through her initial meeting and courtship with Edward will find some familiar ground in Mid-Life Ex-Wife. However, they will also know that her search for love, with all its travails, was ultimately successful. For Grey, a lasting romance may be important, but so are the lessons she learned about herself and the dating world, and the strength and resilience she discovered she possessed.
With this book, “Grey offers much-needed perspective on the struggles of starting over again and dating later in life,” commented a Publishers Weekly reviewer. A Kirkus Reviews contributor called the book a “genuinely human story of needs, wants, dreams, hopes, humor, and shock,” and a “frank, guileless, and useful account of a fifty-something’s search for love through online dating services.”
BIOCRIT
PERIODICALS
Guardian (London, England), November 12, 2017, biography of Stella Grey.
Kirkus Reviews, March 1, 2017, review of Mid-Life Ex-Wife: A Diary of Divorce, Online Dating, and Second Chances.
Observer (London, England), March 10, 2015, Amy Alkon, “Boohoo, Why Are Older Men Looking at Women Half Their Age?,” profile of Stella Grey.
Publishers Weekly, March 13, 2017, review of Mid-Life Ex-Wife, p. 73.
Stella Grey
Stella Grey is a 50-year-old divorcee who has embarked on an enlightening journey into online dating in the perhaps irrational hope of finding true love. Stella Grey is a pseudonym
Boohoo, Why Are Older Men Looking at Women Half Their Age?
By Amy Alkon • 03/10/15 11:17am
Chairman of the Board, Viacom and CBS Corp Sumner Redstone and his girlfriend Malia Andelin attend the premiere of "Sex and the City 2." (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images)
Chairman of the Board, Viacom and CBS Corp Sumner Redstone and his girlfriend Malia Andelin attend the premiere of “Sex and the City 2.” (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images)
The pseudonymous and solipsistically female Stella Grey, 55, whines at The Guardian that she can’t be old, fat, and have short hair and still expect to attract a man:
“It’s been a week of gloomy thoughts about what one applicant called ‘the packaging.’ In fact, he wasn’t an applicant. He wrote specifically to tell me he wasn’t. ‘It’s a shame I don’t fancy you,’ he said, ‘because otherwise you tick all the boxes.’ Another said I sounded nice, but added: ‘Though unfortunately I have stringent physical criteria.’
“There seems to be a gender imbalance, vis-a-vis the packaging thing. All the women I know are tolerant of middle age showing itself in a chap. We quite like a late flowering, in fact: the silvering, the smile lines, the coming of bodily sturdiness. We read these as signs that life has been lived and enjoyed. We read them as indicators of substance, of being substantial. In general, men don’t seem to grant us the same courtesy, at least not the men I meet online. They are highly focused on the packaging. It’s disheartening.
“‘I bet you were gorgeous when you were young,’ I was told recently, via message, like that was supposed to be a compliment. Yes, I was gorgeous, ish, for a while, and self-absorbed, and shallow, and inexperienced, and over-sensitive and dull. You’re right, mate, you’d have much preferred me then.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this. What does it mean to us, as women, to be told that we’re worth less than we used to be? No man I know has ever been told that his powers, his allure, his charm have faded, and that he has to face up to that redundancy. Many women I know in their 50s talk about their invisibility in public places. I’m sure a case could be made for invisibility as a liberating force in a woman’s life, but I am not the woman to make it, not this week at least, when I’ve been dissed or else flatly ignored by all the men I’ve said hello to.
Welcome to real life, Stella! (P.S. It would be less of a stranger to you if you read a little evolutionary science.)
Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt theorized that men and women have “conflicting strategies” in seeking romantic partners, emerging from our differing physiologies and the ensuing differences in what sex can cost us.
Because a woman can get pregnant from a single sex act and be stuck with a kid to drag around and feed, women evolved to care a lot less about a man’s looks than his ability and willingness to be a “provider.” A veritable mountain of research suggests Buss and Schmitt’s theory is right.
For example, anthropologist John Marshall Townsend and psychologist Gary Levy showed women photos of an ugly guy in a Rolex and business attire and a handsome guy in a Burger King uniform. Women overwhelmingly went for the business lizard over the burger stud.
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But back to the guys. Ancestral men could just walk away after sex and still pass on their genes. So men evolved to want to have sex with as many of the most healthy, fertile women they could. And what does health and fertility look like? Well, female beauty: Youth, clear skin, symmetrical features (reflecting health and no icky parasites); long, shiny hair; and a figure that’s more hourglass than beer vat.
The difference in what men and women prioritize in partners is best summed up by my friend Walter Moore. A guy complained to him that women are only attracted to wealthy men. Walter joked back, “That’s so unfair because we don’t expect them to be wealthy; all we ask is that they look like models.”
More on the truth about beauty here, in a piece I wrote for Psychology Today:
“It turns out that the real beauty myth is the damaging one [Naomi] Wolf and other feminists are perpetuating–the absurd notion that it serves women to thumb their noses at standards of beauty. Of course, looks aren’t all that matter (as I’m lectured by female readers of my newspaper column when I point out that male lust seems to have a weight limit). But looks matter a great deal. The more attractive the woman is, the wider her pool of romantic partners and range of opportunities in her work and day-to-day life. We all know this, and numerous studies confirm it–it’s just heresy to say so.
“…A healthy approach to beauty is neither pretending it’s unnecessary or unimportant nor making it important beyond all else. By being honest about it, we help women make informed decisions about how much effort to put into their appearance–or accept the opportunity costs of going ungroomed.
In other words, sure, you can keep moaning about how unfair it is that men are focused on looks. You should find this about as successful a strategy for finding a romantic partner as it would be for a man to complain that women won’t date him until he has a day job beyond lying on his parents’ couch playing video games and complaining about how ‘shallow’ women are.
Sure, there are guys out there who do this. But the main difference between men and women in dating that I see? More men seem to accept the harsh reality — that they have to earn a living and be somebody to get the girl.
So, Stella, to answer the question you ask at the end of your piece:
“The question is, should I be prepared to change?”
Yes, Stella — into somebody who accepts reality and does her best to work within its constraints.
Or, to put it another way: The day men will no longer care about your looks is the day you’ll have the hots for a very sweet 62-year-old barista.
***
Amy Alkon is the author of the science-based book, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2014).
Mid-Life Ex Wife: A Diary of Divorce, Online
Dating, and Second Chances
Publishers Weekly.
264.11 (Mar. 13, 2017): p73.
COPYRIGHT 2017 PWxyz, LLC
http://www.publishersweekly.com/
Full Text:
Mid-Life Ex Wife: A Diary of Divorce, Online Dating, and Second Chances
Stella Grey. Harper, $15.99 trade paper (304p) ISBN 978-0-06-265623-0
Finding herself suddenly single at 50 after her husband left her for another woman, Grey, a columnist for the Guardian
(whose columns are the basis for the book), started online dating and quickly went from novice to expert, getting an
emotionally turbulent education that she renders with unabashed honesty. Deciding to eschew the advice of friends,
she created a lengthy, detailed profile, didn't lie about her age or her looks, and tried to hold firm to her "take me as I
am" attitude. Many of the men Grey encountered were sexist and ageist, carelessly tossing off hurtful, rude, and
immature responses before passing her over in hopes of dating women 20 years their junior. She did go on dates with
some decent prospects and also fielded offers for no-strings hook-ups with much younger guys. Grey was interested in
long-term companionship but discovered that it's elusive in the online dating arena, where people often seem to be
wrong about what makes for lasting relationships; for example, many believe that a spark of attraction . Grey offers
much-needed perspective on the struggles of starting over again and dating later in life. Rather than wallow in selfpity
or anger, she infuses the highs and lows with welcome warmth and optimism. (May)
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"Mid-Life Ex Wife: A Diary of Divorce, Online Dating, and Second Chances." Publishers Weekly, 13 Mar. 2017, p.
73+. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?
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Accessed 22 Oct. 2017.
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Grey, Stella: MID-LIFE EX-WIFE
Kirkus Reviews.
(Mar. 1, 2017):
COPYRIGHT 2017 Kirkus Media LLC
http://www.kirkusreviews.com/
Full Text:
Grey, Stella MID-LIFE EX-WIFE Harper/HarperCollins (Adult Nonfiction) $15.99 5, 2 ISBN: 978-0-06-265623-0
One woman's adventures in the online dating scene.When her husband of many years abruptly left her for another
woman, Grey (a pseudonym), in her early 50s, went through the stages of grief and denial before finally admitting she
needed to find another man to fill the emptiness in her heart. Not knowing where else to look, she turned to the
numerous online dating sites to find a possible mate, filling out questionnaires, attaching photographs, and launching
into the project with gusto, enthusiasm, and a sense of humor. What she discovered over the course of two-plus years
of reading profiles, connecting via email, Skype, texting, and in-person dates unfolds in a genuinely human story of
needs, wants, dreams, hopes, humor, and shock. Grey was unprepared for the men interested only in sex in all its
forms: in real life, in sexting, in Skyping. She was also not ready for the instant rejections she received based on her
profile, lengthy emails, and visuals of her ample body, and she was ill-equipped for the heart-pounding reality of
meeting yet another stranger, falling briefly for him, only to discover he was another dud. As the author persisted in
her pursuit of finding love again, she discovered a lot about herself, which helped her dismiss the bottom feeders and
otherwise creepy men, but it left her no closer to finding a life companion. Direct, sincere, humiliating, and oftentimes
funny, Grey's dalliances with countless men will have readers shaking their heads, shouting, 'no, don't do it,' while
cheering her on with shared optimism as she ventures out yet again into the midlife dating fray. Any single person
contemplating the use of online dating sites would do well to read Grey's account for what to do and not to do and
what to expect from these matchmaking endeavors. A frank, guileless, and useful account of a 50-something's search
for love through online dating services.
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"Grey, Stella: MID-LIFE EX-WIFE." Kirkus Reviews, 1 Mar. 2017. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?
p=ITOF&sw=w&u=schlager&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA482911819&it=r&asid=60c45d630de3f7e36eaf88b2af3f6d6f.
Accessed 22 Oct. 2017.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A482911819