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WORK TITLE: Relationship Reset
WORK NOTES:
PSEUDONYM(S):
BIRTHDATE: 1971?
WEBSITE: http://www.jenelmquist.com/
CITY:
STATE: MN
COUNTRY: United States
NATIONALITY:
RESEARCHER NOTES:
PERSONAL
Born c. 1971; married Jess Elmquist; children: two.
EDUCATION:Received M.A.
ADDRESS
CAREER
Author and therapist. Adjunct faculty member, Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota Graduate School of Health and Human Services; nationally approved supervisor, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy; owner and operator, Relationship Studio.
WRITINGS
SIDELIGHTS
Jen Elmquist has created a business in partnership with her husband Jess, mentoring couples on problems that arise in their relations with one another. The contributor of a biographical blurb to the author’s home page, the Jen Elmquist Website, stated: “A relationship specialist with a background in communications, media and marriage and family therapy, [her] … work includes teaching, training, coaching and therapy in clinical, corporate and educational settings.” She also serves as an adjunct faculty member at the Graduate School of Health and Human Services of Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota.
In Relationship Reset: Secrets from a Couples Therapist That Will Revolutionize Your Love for a Lifetime, Elmquist investigates the ways in which people in a committed relationship grow disenchanted with one another and suggests ways in which their commitment to one another can be rekindled. “Elmquist dispels the myth of the perfect couple and invites couples to come as they are. She begins by examining the cycles, patterns, and styles that make each relationship unique,” Melissa Wuske declared in Clarion Reviews. She points out that change is inevitable for individuals and that therefore their relationships must change as well. She then suggests ways in which couples can encourage healthy change in one another, through humility, attentive listening, and other practices that minimize stress and feelings of vulnerability. “The book closes,” Wuske continued, “with practices to solidify and deepen [the] new normal.” “Elmquist makes her step-by-step breakdowns immediately applicable to her readers,” wrote a Kirkus Reviews contributor. “She also employs a uniform tone of enthusiastic encouragement throughout … lightening her prescription of hard, detailed work that every committed relationship requires.” “This book will be an asset to anyone in a committed relationship,” Wuske concluded in Foreword Reviews. “It will be particularly valuable for those in newer relationships who want to build a solid foundation.”
Elmquist sees couples counseling as both a necessary and a healthy step in any relationship, one that encourages openness and honesty. “I would say a relationship isn’t any different than our physical and financial health,” Elmquist told Lois M. Collins in an interview that appeared in the Deseret News. “I would not go my whole life without seeing a doctor. I wouldn’t expect to go my whole life and retire without having seen someone to help me with my finances. I think relationships are so similar to that. The sooner in your relationships that you are willing to reach out and get some support [the better] … maybe it is reading a book or doing something online or seeing someone—a mentor in your church or community.” “Money and sex are two of the most uncomfortable topics for couples to discuss openly,” Elmquist said in a Bustle article. “For a variety of reasons partners may feel like it is taboo to talk about money, including: It invades their privacy, they feel embarrassed, they feel out of control, they don’t feel educated enough, or they don’t think there is a reason to talk about it. However … without these conversations, assumptions are made, damaging secrets can be kept, and the freedom of being known and accepted is impossible to achieve. Betrayal from financial mismanagement can be traumatizing.” Although each case is different, a common thread runs through all committed relationships, Elmquist points out. “We don’t come into a relationship with perfect partners and we may never become a perfect partner, but we can become a better partner,” Elmquist said in her interview with Collins. “A lot of that is how one is able to manage oneself: How you manage your emotions and your own thoughts and communicate that with your partner.”
BIOCRIT
PERIODICALS
Clarion Reviews, September 14, 2017, Melissa Wuske, review of Relationship Reset: Secrets from a Couples Therapist That Will Revolutionize Your Love for a Lifetime.
Deseret News, September 18, 2017, Lois M. Collins, “Q&A: Why Young Couples in Love Should Get Relationship Help.”
Kirkus Reviews, October 15, 2017, review of Relationship Reset.
ONLINE
Bustle, https://www.bustle.com/ (December 20, 2017), Natalia Lusinski, ” Why Do Couples Break Up Over Money?”
Foreword Reviews, https://www.forewordreviews.com/ (September 14, 2017), Melissa Wuske, review of Relationship Reset.
Jen Elmquist Website, http://www.jenelmquist.com (June 23, 2018), author profile.
ABOUT JEN
Jen Elmquist, MA, LMFT is a relationship specialist with a background in communications, media and marriage and family therapy. Her work includes teaching, training, coaching and therapy in clinical, corporate and educational settings.
She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an Adjunct Faculty member at Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota, Graduate School of Health and Human Services, an American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy Nationally Approved Supervisor and currently serves clients out of her consulting practice, The Relationship Studio.
Jen has been married to her husband, Jess Elmquist, for over 25 years. (Teaser: You can read their story in the conclusion of the Relationship Reset book) Jess is an executive, master teacher and coach with over two decades in the field of Human Relations. Currently, Jess leads as CLO and EVP of HR for LifeTime, A Healthy Way of Life Company. Jess’ experience in education is vast, and he is a known innovator in his field with cover stories in both CLO and Forefront magazines.
Jen and Jess present together at Relationship Reset Live Events, bringing the insight of a couple to couples as they encourage and challenge them to love each other well. With Jen’s specialty in couple’s therapy, Jess’ expertise in adult education and together, their understanding of “for better or for worse”, they create a best in class experience.
To date, they have raised and launched two fabulous adults and still have two adorable puppies at home. Residing between Chanhassen, MN and San Diego, CA, you will often find them on or near a body of water; with people they love, having a good drink and a great conversation.
Q&A: Why young couples in love should get relationship help
By
Lois M Collins
@loisco
Published: September 18, 2017 7:50 am
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View 2 Items Jamie Stoia, Jamie Stoia Portrait Design
Marriage and family therapist Jen Elmquist says even new couples may need help with their relationship.
SALT LAKE CITY — Couples may need help at any stage of a relationship. But the fact that they might need some professional counseling early on doesn't naturally occur to people, says author and family therapist Jen Elmquist, even though being together is something new that sometimes takes a lot of adjustment, humor and goodwill to manage.
"By the time people got to me, it wasn't always too late, but there's a lot we had to work through to get them to a better place," she said.
"I like the concept of preventive medicine to your relationship. If things aren't going well, there's no reason to wait except you're afraid or you're unsure or sad. Maybe you don't even know that there's help out there for you. Doing preventive work early, whether it's education or dealing with a problem right away instead of letting it linger — that is key to having a relationship that can go the distance," she said.
Marriage and family therapist Jen Elmquist says even new couples may need help with their relationship. | Jamie Stoia, Jamie Stoia Portrait Design
Elmquist, a Minneapolis-based therapist whose book "Relationship Reset" was just released, knows personally, not just professionally, that couples can struggle even when their union is young, she told the Deseret News. She and her husband Jess faced problems not long into their life together, and their marriage was in real peril until they sought help and committed to work on it as a team. That marriage has endured now more than 25 years, but maintenance is an ongoing process for a strong relationship, she said.
In the book, Elmquist recounts the aftermath of seeking help and following through: "We have had seasons of great gain and times of distinct loss. We have experienced the joy of family and friends, mourned the death of family and friends, and navigated the tensions of family and friends. We have achieved significant accomplishments, given up unproductive dreams and rearranged careers. We have moved, built, sold, simplified, and filled albums of memories with ordinary moments and epic adventures. We have not done it perfect, right, or clean.
"Love is messy, and we have just done it together one season at a time. Through it all, we have trusted the process and believed in each other and for each other as stewards of each other’s souls. And we aren’t done yet — we are still chasing sunshine."
The Deseret News recently talked to Elmquist about the importance of maintenance and prevention early in a marriage. This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Deseret News: Was one message really important to you as you wrote the book?
Jen Elmquist: There are a few motivating factors behind what I am doing, but one is to destigmatize mental health and couples getting help.
I would say a relationship isn't any different than our physical and financial health. I would not go my whole life without seeing a doctor. I wouldn't expect to go my whole life and retire without having seen someone to help me with my finances. I think relationships are so similar to that. The sooner in your relationships that you are willing to reach out and get some support … maybe it is reading a book or doing something online or seeing someone — a mentor in your church or community.
It helps to have accountability from outside a relationship and also to learn what you just don't know.
DN: What's so challenging for couples starting out?
JE: The early days set the stage, not just for the foundation of the relationship long term, but for the issues that come up that are inevitable because they are natural in every relationship. Couples early on may need help understanding specific things, starting with what's normal in a relationship. Sometimes what's normal is interpreted as a problem and then it becomes one.
Couples may need help at any stage of a relationship. | Jenelmquist.com
DN: So what is normal?
JE: The first thing is change. A relationship does change, whether it's the beginning of the changes you see in the first 18 months — maybe where those good-feeling chemicals start to wear off and you are not attracted in the same way you were when you first started. That's normal.
There are changes that couples go through with natural life stages, too. Relationships change once you bring children into a family, which is a dramatic change for most couples. So, change is a big one.
The other one is conflict. Great research out there shows all couples are going to have three or four conflicts that are going to go the distance; you won't resolve them. You will have to agree to disagree. If you're with Tom, you're going to have an issue. If you leave Tom for Sam, you are going to have trouble with Sam. So finding a new partner doesn't change that fact. Conflicts are normal.
Once you understand that change is normal, you are going to feel it and it's going to be uncomfortable. Your relationship is going to change versions over the years and conflict is normal. You'll just have to learn how to do it really well. You can actually do things so change is not so difficult in your relationships, which is really empowering.
The beginning part of a relationship is about growing up together, whether you are getting married in your 20s or getting married in your 40s. You still have to grow up together in that relationship.
Another — and I think this is critical — is patterns.
DN: Are there different kinds of patterns?
JE: We all have drama patterns and we all have durable patterns — the roles we play in our childhoods growing up in our family. And when we get together in intimate relationships, we easily take on these roles: We play the fixer or we play the victim or we play a persecutor. We tend to play a role in the relationship with our partner, and we develop a pattern.
We're doing the same thing over and over. That is really natural in a relationship and you are going to find homeostasis or that comfort place. But it gets monotonous and can wear on a relationship.
DN: What can an individual do to strengthen a relationship early on?
JE: We don't come into a relationship with perfect partners and we may never become a perfect partner, but we can become a better partner. A lot of that is how one is able to manage oneself: How you manage your emotions and your own thoughts and communicate that with your partner in a way that (he or she) is able to hear and you can have a conversation.
We hear over and over "communication, communication, communication." But that first relationship, which is you with your spouse, is one of the most important places communication starts. If I'm not able to understand my own emotions and clearly communicate them with my partner, that's often where the breakdown begins within a relationship. In the book, I refer to "mind benders." You can be the change you want to see in a relationship by learning how to work with your own mind.
DN: You also write about "muscle builders." What are they?
JE: Those are the things that couples need to do together to strengthen and stabilize their relationship. Here's an example: There's a bit of research out there that says if you kiss your partner for six seconds or longer, it actually creates a deeper intimacy than a quick kiss on the cheek or a peck on the way out the door.
It's actually amazing; you can feel your whole body relax as you give over to that physical connection in a really different way.
Another that's simple is prayer for couples. How do you pray together, whether something specific to faith or the way you're meditating on the relationship? That kind of spiritual connection is (linked) to greater longevity in the relationship.
DN: Did you have role models of these things?
JE: My grandparents met in the 1940s right when my grandpa was heading off to World War II. They had one of those cherished relationships, together more than 60 years. Maybe a decade after my grandma passed away in 2003, I was talking to my grandfather and he said, "I was the last person she said anything to before she passed away. The last thing she said to me was, 'What about you?' That was how she loved me and that was how we loved each other."
I like the acronym of "What about you?" It's the way to be grounded in a relationship and in each other. Look at each other each day and say, "What about you?" If we have that reciprocity, what we are saying is you matter more than me. I can put you in front of me. I can set myself aside for your greater good."
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Print Marked Items
Relationship Reset; Secrets from a
Couples Therapist That Will
Revolutionize Your Love for a Lifetime
Melissa Wuske
Clarion Reviews.
(Sept. 14, 2017):
COPYRIGHT 2017 ForeWord
https://www.forewordmagazine.net/clarion/reviews.aspx
Full Text:
Jen Elmquist; RELATIONSHIP RESET; Risk (Nonfiction: Family & Relationships) 28.95 ISBN:
9780997458138
Byline: Melissa Wuske
This book will be an asset to anyone in a committed relationship.
Relationship Reset by Jen Elmquist takes a can-do approach to healthy relationships. Right from the start,
Elmquist dispels the myth of the perfect couple and invites couples to come as they are. She begins by
examining the cycles, patterns, and styles that make each relationship unique. After establishing this
foundational understanding, she breaks down how couples can change the course of their relationships for
the better. The book closes with practices to solidify and deepen this new normal, setting couples on the
path of continual, healthy change.
Elmquist opens with the question, "What is normal?" She crafts a welcoming approach that shows couples
they're not alone in their challenges -- others in similar situations have also begun the path to change. Her
approach is empowering, positive, and practical. Her insights are particularly valuable for building strong
relationships by stopping problems before they start -- a compelling promise.
The book is rooted in both individual and relational growth. Anyone can change, it argues, but you cannot
change alone. Elmquist encourages humility and helps people overcome the fear of vulnerability; she uses
relatable success stories to do this. By showing how small actions have big results, she presents a program
of manageable changes that have far-reaching outcomes: better self-image, more productive conflict,
healthier parenting, lower stress, and more.
Her straightforward approach cuts through reluctance to get help, shunning counseling jargon and the
overuse of emotion in order to be the very best that a self-help work can be: a vehicle of pity- and
condescension-free empowerment. Elmquist's book is no-nonsense without being brusque, giving common
excuses and roadblocks their just due and no more.
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The depth of insight in the book speaks to Elmquist's vast experience with helping couples. Her credentials
show themselves discreetly yet compellingly through her compassion, wisdom, and practical examples.
While she speaks from her professional experience, her voice is the voice of a person, not a practitioner.
The question sections function like a workbook to help couples and individuals reflect and set intentions for
the future. They provide a natural and much-needed pause, urging people to apply what they're learning.
This book will be an asset to anyone in a committed relationship. It will be particularly valuable for those in
newer relationships who want to build a solid foundation, but even seasoned couples with decades of
dysfunction under their belts will find help and hope, provided they are open to growth and are willing to
change.
Relationship Reset gives every couple what they need to be their best, as individuals and as a pair.
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
Wuske, Melissa. "Relationship Reset; Secrets from a Couples Therapist That Will Revolutionize Your Love
for a Lifetime." Clarion Reviews, 14 Sept. 2017. General OneFile,
http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A505173148/ITOF?u=schlager&sid=ITOF&xid=4e5b0a72.
Accessed 17 May 2018.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A505173148
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Elmquist, Jen: RELATIONSHIP RESET
Kirkus Reviews.
(Oct. 15, 2017):
COPYRIGHT 2017 Kirkus Media LLC
http://www.kirkusreviews.com/
Full Text:
Elmquist, Jen RELATIONSHIP RESET Risk (Indie Nonfiction) $28.95 9, 12 ISBN: 978-0-9974581-3-8
A couples therapist offers a comprehensive guide to maintaining healthy, intimate relationships.
In her nonfiction debut, Elmquist acknowledges at the outset that the "stressors" working on any committed
relationship are many, varied, and serious: "Financial obligations and work priorities, life responsibilities
and accountabilities, and the daily needs of family and friends [are] all asking for your attention while you
and your partner attempt to maintain individual and collective hopes and dreams." At the heart of her advice
is the concept of a "reset," during which couples are urged to step back and look holistically at the changing
nature of their relationship. Elmquist relates the familiar and worrying statistic that most troubled couples
wait a very long time--the average is around six years--before seeking out professional therapy. She aims to
drastically shorten that interval by equipping couples with the tools they need in order to detect and address
problems as they arise. The key is something that Elmquist calls the "Six-Stage Change Cycle of
Committed Couple Relationships," which aims to help couples identify the various evolving stages of their
relationship: "You and Me," "We," "I and I," "The We/I Plateau," "The D-Factor" (involving differentiating
one's personal identity), and "Us or Me." The author effectively points out that these stages are fluid things,
taking different forms with different partners, but she notes that they are nevertheless universal: "We all
play each of these roles at one point or another in our relationships," she writes. "To deny that is to deny we
breathe." Overall, the book's near-total lack of platitudes and magic bullets is very refreshing. Through the
use of ample case studies of her own clients to illustrate her points, Elmquist makes her step-by-step
breakdowns immediately applicable to her readers. She also employs a uniform tone of enthusiastic
encouragement throughout ("Getting started is the key. Momentum follows action!"), lightening her
prescription of hard, detailed work that every committed relationship requires.
An impassioned and analytic guide to taking control of faltering relationships before they fall apart.
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"Elmquist, Jen: RELATIONSHIP RESET." Kirkus Reviews, 15 Oct. 2017. General OneFile,
http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A509243980/ITOF?u=schlager&sid=ITOF&xid=9b8bdfd6.
Accessed 17 May 2018.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A509243980
luable for building strong relationships by stopping problems before they start—a compelling promise.
The book is rooted in both individual and relational growth. Anyone can change, it argues, but you cannot change alone. Elmquist encourages humility and helps people overcome the fear of vulnerability; she uses relatable success stories to do this. By showing how small actions have big results, she presents a program of manageable changes that have far-reaching outcomes: better self-image, more productive conflict, healthier parenting, lower stress, and more.
Her straightforward approach cuts through reluctance to get help, shunning counseling jargon and the overuse of emotion in order to be the very best that a self-help work can be: a vehicle of pity- and condescension-free empowerment. Elmquist’s book is no-nonsense without being brusque, giving common excuses and roadblocks their just due and no more.
The depth of insight in the book speaks to Elmquist’s vast experience with helping couples. Her credentials show themselves discreetly yet compellingly through her compassion, wisdom, and practical examples. While she speaks from her professional experience, her voice is the voice of a person, not a practitioner.
The question sections function like a workbook to help couples and individuals reflect and set intentions for the future. They provide a natural and much-needed pause, urging people to apply what they’re learning.
This book will be an asset to anyone in a committed relationship. It will be particularly valuable for those in newer relationships who want to build a solid foundation, but even seasoned couples with decades of dysfunction under their belts will find help and hope, provided they are open to growth and are willing to change.
Relationship Reset gives every couple what they need to be their best, as individuals and as a pair.
Reviewed by Melissa Wuske
September 14, 2017
Why Do Couples Break Up Over Money? 7 Millennial Women On How Financial Issues Ended Their Relationship
By Natalia Lusinski
Dec 20 2017
Fotolia
Money is a feminist issue — and yet, women are still reluctant to talk about it. According to a recent Bustle survey of more than 1,000 millennial women, more than 50 percent of people said they never discuss personal finances with friends, even though 28 percent reported feeling stressed out about money every single day. Bustle's Get Money series gets real about what millennial women are doing with their money, and why — because managing your finances should feel empowering, not intimidating.
Romantic relationships end for all kinds of reasons, and you may hear that money is a common topic of contention. What about couples whose relationships have ended over money? Whatever the case may be, money matters matter, and so many variables come into play: who pays for what, who pays the bills, how joint money is spent, etc. As time goes on, it's easy for money issues to take precedent in the relationship, and cause rifts along the way. But when are money problems too much for the relationship to bear?
"Communication about money can be difficult for couples," Relationship Specialist Jen Elmquist, MA, LMFT, and author of Relationship Reset: Secrets from a Couples Therapist That Will Revolutionize Your Love for a Lifetime tells Bustle. "Money and sex are two of the most uncomfortable topics for couples to discuss openly. For a variety of reasons partners may feel like it is taboo to talk about money, including: It invades their privacy, they feel embarrassed, they feel out of control, they don't feel educated enough, or they don't think there is a reason to talk about it. However, just like talking about your sexual health and history is critical for each partner, so is talking about your financial health and history. Without these conversations, assumptions are made, damaging secrets can be kept, and the freedom of being known and accepted is impossible to achieve. Betrayal from financial mismanagement can be traumatizing and have a similar effect on a relationship as infidelity. Recovering often requires the support of a couples therapist and a financial planner to make sure that, going forward, there is some accountability."
So what's a money issue worth breaking up over? Dating site EliteSingles did a survey, "Love and Money," of 581 men and women in its membership pool and discovered that different spending habits can be a dealbreaker. They found that 79 percent of men and 70 percent of women think that a partner sensible with their finances is preferable to a lavish spender. "In relationships, money can be an issue of contention," Zoe Coetzee, EliteSingles' in-house relationship psychologist and dating expert, tells Bustle. "Money can represent both power and security in relationships, making it a challenging, but necessary, issue for couples to navigate. Financial boundaries should be respected in relationships, and continually overstepping this line is the sign of an issue."
The gist? Talking about money with your partner is key to maintaining a healthy relationship, financially and otherwise. Below, seven women weigh in on how a money issue ended their relationship.
1.Kelly, 33
Fotolia
"My ex-boyfriend was really rubbish with my money, the complete opposite to me. Despite being on a part-time wage, I paid for all our bills, etc. He had crazy debts, despite earning a really good wage. What pushed things over the edge was him using my debit card without my permission and taking money out of my account! I think that it is always best to be on the same wavelength about money overall. My husband — *not* the same guy — is like me — very good with money — and so there are no issues at all. It is always challenging when one of you treats money like it's growing on trees."
2.Sarah, 30
Ashley Batz/Bustle
"I moved across the country with my partner after college and started off with a pretty generous nest egg from my parents. I found a few jobs and cobbled together about 60 hours a week (mostly minimum wage stuff that wasn't related to my degree) and covered my partner's portion of the rent while they were looking for work. But after eight months (they'd stopped even looking after four), the nest egg was gone and my partner owed me nearly 6K in rent, groceries, gas money, all sorts of stuff. There were some mental health issues going on, too, so I know it wasn't really their fault, but I really just couldn't keep carrying them. I still feel guilty about it — for breaking it off with them and for using my parent's money to support them.
It's really affected how I talk about money in relationships since. My mom always taught me to keep my own bank account and savings no matter what my relationship status, and I'm very grateful I've kept to that advice. I think it's important for women especially to maintain their own bank accounts, savings, 401(k)s, etc., and I could never be with someone who wanted to combine everything forever. It's not romantic to me. I'm a big fan of yours, mine, and ours style systems where each person puts in for monthly shared expenses, but still has their own funds for whatever they want. When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we opened a joint account just for wedding expenses (and only that!). I think it's better to make a plan and take it on together than to have it unbalanced and build resentment."
3.Katie, 25
Fotolia
"My ex never made financially responsible decisions and was heading back to school for a second degree, which certainly contributed to me breaking up with him. I have a career and am financially self-sufficient, so seeing him — a nearly 30-year-old man (I was 23) — make repeated mistakes in that regard was a huge turn-off (among other things, of course). I've never been in debt, and he was accumulating more and more. Buying tickets to Coachella, going on trips (like Hawaii, which I had to spot him cash for), and buying new surfboards were typical habits, along with a tendency to lose or break his phone, which would set him back another couple hundred dollars here and there. He was constantly having to ask his dad, and even friends, for help with money. It was a lot of seemingly little things that showcased a lack of maturity that I wasn't interested in being a part of any longer."
4.Elaine, 32
Fotolia
"I think when someone's fiscally irresponsible in one area of their life, they are in several. You may not know it immediately, but when it comes out, watch out! An ex of mine had 'some' credit card debt. OK, NBD. But then I found out that was one of many of his financial issues. He talked about us getting married, but how when he couldn't even balance a checkbook (if he even had one!)?!"
5.Carrie, 28
Fotolia
"I had to end things with the love of my life over money. We even tried to see a debt counselor multiple times, and he pretended to be on board. But a week or so later, his bad money habits would come back — like getting way too much take-out when he knew we could only afford to once a week (I had us saving the rest), or 'borrowing' my credit card 'just this once' for some 'emergency' — some bill he forgot to pay. I want a boyfriend who's a partner, not one who I have to teach how to budget, you know?"
6.Jenna, 29
Fotolia
"About a year into dating this guy, I thought everything was going great. We were compatible in every way, including financially (we were usually modest spenders, but would splurge now and then or skimp now and then if we were saving up for a long weekend getaway). But around that one-year mark, he wanted to stay in all the time, i.e., not go on any dates that would cost money. I get doing that sometimes, but all the time?! I knew something was up! It turned out he'd been married before (news to me!) and still paid his ex alimony (again, news to me!). He'd also been demoted at work, which meant his salary was less, but he'd been too embarrassed to tell me. The work demotion omission, I could have gotten past. But the ex-wife and still paying her?! No thanks!"
7.Ali, 31
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
"I ended a few-years-long relationship over money… because my ex was the cheapest guy on the planet! I don't mean in a frugal way, but in an 'I just bought you a $2 bag of cough drops; when can you pay me back?' sort of way! It was unreal! Finally, I had enough. I mean, can you imagine living like that forever?! The kicker? I am the most generous person ever! I would never ask for him (or anyone!) to reimburse me for $2 cough drops or whatever other trivial things came up. Now when I go on dates, I really pay attention to how the guy acts regarding money. Sure, he may spend a lot on the first date, but you have to watch his behavior over the first few dates to gauge his attitude toward money (every little thing!)."
As you can see, all kinds of money matters can impact a romantic relationship. "Although money is just a tool, it is a tool that holds a lot of power," Elmquist says. "In a relationship, sharing money requires a high level of trust between two people. It also demands transparency and vulnerability, which opens us up to the possibility of being hurt." So what is someone to do?
Consumer Finance Expert Andrea Woroch, working on behalf of Marcus by Goldman Sachs, has some ideas on how to be open about money in your romantic relationship, before things take a turn in the wrong direction. "Set a money date once a month or quarter to review your budget, savings goals, monthly bills, and investments," Woroch tells Bustle. "Make any adjustments as needed based on lifestyle and new life circumstances, like having a baby or buying a house. This is also a good time to bring up money issues that have been bothering you, like if your partner spent too much on entertainment or clothing this past month. Instead of blowing up in the heat of the moment, setting aside time can alleviate tension."
OK, a money date — sounds simple enough, right? I have a feeling broaching the topic of the money date with the person you're dating may feel more challenging than the actual money date itself, but there's only one way to find out: schedule it!