Project and content management for Contemporary Authors volumes
WORK TITLE: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
WORK NOTES:
PSEUDONYM(S):
BIRTHDATE:
WEBSITE: http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
CITY: San Diego
STATE: CA
COUNTRY: United States
NATIONALITY: American
Contact us at (619) 221-9108 or info@highconflictinstitute.com
RESEARCHER NOTES:
LC control no.: n 93012677
LCCN Permalink: https://lccn.loc.gov/n93012677
HEADING: Eddy, William A.
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670 __ |a High conflict people in legal disputes, c2006: |b t.p. (Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ; Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker) t.p. verso (Canadian CIP hdg.: Eddy, Bill, 1948- ) p. 273 (William A. (“Bill”) Eddy)
PERSONAL
Born 1948.
EDUCATION:Yo San University of Traditional Chinese Medicine, B.A., 1970; San Diego State University, M.S.W., 1981; University of San Diego School of Law, J.D., 1992.
ADDRESS
CAREER
Speaker, therapist, and author. Mediator and attorney, 1993-2009; High Conflict Institute, president, 2007—, training director and co-founder, 2008—; University of San Diego School of Law, professor; National Conflict Resolution Center, San Diego, CA, Senior Family Mediator.
Monash University Law Chambers, visiting lecturer; National Judicial College, faculty member; Pepperdine University School of Law, faculty member.
WRITINGS
SIDELIGHTS
Bill Eddy, also known as William A. Eddy, has made a name for himself through his work in the mental health field. Prior to launching his career, Eddy studied at the Case Western Reserve University, San Diego State University, and the University of San Diego, where he earned his B.A., M.S.W., and J.D., respectively. Eddy focused several years’ worth of his professional efforts within the field of social work. He held the title of Licensed Clinical Social Worker within the city of San Diego. He then moved on to work in law during the early 1990s, earning the title of Certified Family Law Specialist. Throughout his time in the social work field, Eddy counseled numerous families and individuals. He has also lent his expertise to students pursuing the same subject, leading courses under the University of San Diego School of Law. He has also worked under the National Judicial College as well as the Pepperdine University School of Law, serving for both of these schools as a member of their adjunct faculty. Eddy combines both his experience in the law field and the social work field to offer guidance to individuals dealing with toxic colleagues and loved ones. He shares this knowledge in the form of several self-devised principles, known formally as “New Ways for Work,” “New Ways for Families,” and the “High Conflict Personality.” Eddy serves as both the Training Director and co-founder for the High Conflict Institute, a school specially designed to impart Eddy’s teachings. He has also released many books, including BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns and High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities is another of Eddy’s books designed with the purpose of educating others on his subject of expertise. In an interview featured on the Surviving a Borderline Parent website, Eddy explained that he draws much of the information he shares within the book from hands-on experiences he had in the process of dealing with clients who often showed signs of the “High Conflict Personalities” he describes in the book. The subjects of the book tend to designate one individual as the sole source of the any and all problems they may be experiencing. The purpose of 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life is to help readers figure out how to navigate this situation and even avoid it before it can develop. Eddy identifies high conflict people as having one of five distinct, disordered personalities: Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Each of these disorders manifest their own symptoms, which Eddy outlines to help readers know what to look for. He also provides examples of well known, real life individuals who were diagnosed with these disorders for a further reference point. Eddy also clarifies, however, that personality disorders and high conflict personalities are not mutually exclusive; someone can have one personality and not the other, while some possess both.
The main teaching Eddy showcases within 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life is titled the “CARS method,” a technique for working with those with high-conflict personalities. The CARS method involves treating the high conflict individual politely and gently; figure out some decisions the high conflict individual (or you yourself) can realistically make to face the current problem; treat any negative reactions with assertive but kind answers; and keep your attention aimed on the issue at hand rather than anything else. Above all else, readers should not inform the high conflict individual of their flaws, as this will automatically escalate the situation.
In addition to the CARS method, Eddy also offers several other acronyms for readers to memorize and refer to during their interactions with a high conflict person. Eddy encourages readers to always be mindful of their own behaviors while interacting with those with high conflict personalities, as well as with regards to their instincts when it comes to identifying those who may be exhibiting toxic behaviors. A Publishers Weekly contributor called the book “thought-provoking.” On the Unhooked Media website, Larry Gaughan remarked: “The book is clearly written, full of relevant categories and useful examples, and covers much more than the title might indicate.”
It's All Your Fault at Work!
It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People also seeks to educate readers on how to interact with high conflict individuals, which are prevalent within work environments. The book is specifically aimed at professional leaders, who will have to know how to approach high conflict people in order to keep harmony within the office. Eddy offers advice on how to behave responsibly but kindly with high conflict individuals, as well as how to identify them based on the symptoms and behaviors they may manifest.
By knowing the best ways to interact with high conflict personalities, business leaders can make more progress throughout each work day. In an issue of California Bookwatch, one reviewer said: “No manager should be without this analysis.”
BIOCRIT
PERIODICALS
California Bookwatch, June, 2015, review of It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People.
Publishers Weekly, November 6, 2017, review of 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities, p. 69.
ONLINE
High Conflict Institute Website, https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ (March 21, 2018), author profile.
Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/ (March 21, 2018), author profile.
Surviving a Borderline Parent, https://www.survivingaborderlineparent.com/ (February 12, 2018), “Author Q&A: Bill Eddy, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life,” author interview.
Unhooked Media, https://www.unhookedmedia.com/ (February 21, 2018), Larry Gaughan, review of 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life.
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the co-founder and Training Director of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
Bill Eddy LCSW, JD
Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD, is a lawyer and therapist, and a Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. He is also the president of the High Conflict Institute, also in San Diego, which provides training for managing high-conflict disputes and high-conflict personalities. He has trained professionals in more than 30 states as well as several countries. He is on the part-time faculty at the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law in Malibu, California, and a visiting lecturer at Monash University Law Chambers in Melbourne, Australia. Eddy is the author of books including High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, 2nd Ed; Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (with Randi Kreger); It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict Personalities (with L. Georgi DiStefano); Dating Radar (with Megan Hunter); and 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (link is external).
AUTHOR OF
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
Identifying and dealing with narcissists, sociopaths and other high-conflict personalities. Read now.
Bill Eddy is the President of High Conflict Institute, which provides training to professionals dealing with high conflict disputes. Bill is an international speaker on the subject of high-conflict personalities, providing seminars to attorneys, mediators, collaborative law professionals, judges, ombudspersons, mental health professionals, hospital administrators, college administrators, homeowners association managers and others. He has presented in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, and in Australia, France and Sweden. Bill is an attorney, a therapist and a mediator. As an attorney, he is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California, where he has represented clients in family court and provided divorce mediation services for the past 18 years. Prior to that, he provided psychotherapy for 12 years to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has also taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years. He has served as a Special Master and as a Settlement Judge. He is trained in Collaborative Divorce and has handled collaborative cases. He is currently the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. He is also on the adjunct faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law, and on the faculty of the National Judicial College. Bill is the author of several books, including It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything (2008) and SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., is President and co-founder of High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with over twenty years' experience representing clients in family court, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years' experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples, and families in psychiatric hospitals and out patient clinics. He is Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California.
He provides seminars on mental health issues for judges, attorneys, and mediators, and seminars on law and ethics for mental health professionals. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and serves as adjunct faculty at the National Judicial College and Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University. His articles have appeared in national law and counseling journals. He is the author of several books, including Dating Radar, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, It's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Handling People Who Blame Others for Everything, Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Bill has been a speaker in over 25 states, Canada, France, Sweden, England, Greece and Australia. He has become an authority and consultant on the subject of high conflict personalities.
Bill obtained his law degree in 1992 from the University of San Diego, a Master's of Social Work degree in 1981 from San Diego State University, and a Bachelor's degree in Psychology in 1970 from Case Western Reserve University. He began his career as a youth social worker in a changing neighborhood in New York City and first became involved in mediation in 1975 in San Diego.
Bill Eddy, an author, lawyer, mediator and therapist, who specializes in dealing with high-conflict cases and high-conflict personalities, has written a new book, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life. Bill sent me an advance review copy a few months ago, and I invited him to do this e-interview. The techniques he describes are directly relevant to interacting with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and other personality disorders.
SBP: For readers who may not be familiar with the term, can you explain what you mean by a high-conflict personality, or HCP?
BE: Based on my observations over 20 years of dealing with legal disputes, workplace disputes, family disputes and neighbor disputes, the individuals who stayed stuck in conflict (or who increased conflicts) are those with a narrow pattern of the following four characteristics:
A Preoccupation with blaming others
All-or-nothing thinking and solutions
Unmanaged emotions
Extreme behaviors (I define that as behaviors 90% of people would never do)
I’ve come to call people who show those four characteristics “high conflict personalities,” or HCPs for short.
SBP: Those four characteristics will probably sound familiar to readers with a borderline parent. Can you talk about the overlap between high-conflict personalities and personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and/or histrionic personality disorder (HPD)?
I’ve worked with people with personality disorders (PD) since the 1980s in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. The two key characteristics for them are: 1) truly not reflecting on their own behavior and, therefore, 2) not changing their behavior. So when an HCP and a PD overlap, when they feel emotionally threatened, hurt or wronged, they tend to focus on a target of blame. They remain stuck in blaming that person for everything and don’t look at their own part in the problem or try to change anything to make the situation better.
So those HCPs with BPD, in some situations they focus all their frustration, rage and desire for revenge on a specific person and are often willing to drag them into court, publicly humiliate them by spreading rumors over the internet and possibly even use violence to break their possessions or physically harm them.
Those HCPs with NPD often publicly put their targets of blame down to put themselves up. They can be insulting and demeaning, without empathy. Those HCPs with HPD may make up stories in public and spread rumors about their targets of blame, and be very dramatic about it.
SBP: You’ve been working with HCPs and their targets of blame for a long time, and you’ve written several books. What prompted this particular book, and why now?
After 30 years as a therapist and as a lawyer and mediator, I have seen so many people trying to get out of relationships with high-conflict people, that I wanted to write a book that would warn them before they got into these relationships—romantic, at work or in general. It’s especially important now, because our culture of blame seems to be increasing and filtering down to the smallest levels of conflict. I believe that the number of high-conflict people are increasing in society, so others need to start learning the skills now to identify them, avoid intense relationships with them and deal with them effectively if they are in relationships with them—such as in their families, at work, in their communities or other settings.
SBP: What’s the most common question you get about HCPs? What’s the hardest thing for others, including targets of blame, to understand about their interactions with high-conflict personalities?
The answer to both of these questions is the same thing. The most common question I get is “Don’t they know what they’re doing? Can’t they see the harm they’re doing to others and themselves?”
And the answer is basically NO. And this is the hardest thing for targets of blame to understand. HCPs lack self-awareness and therefore don’t change, so they defend their bad behavior as “normal and necessary” for the situation.
So in dealing with them, you need to forget about trying to give them insight into their own behavior, and instead focus on what to do now going into the future. If you focus on the past, you will just get stuck with them, like in quicksand, because they can be so defensive about their past behavior.
Instead, it helps to use the CARS Method® that I describe in the book (and I explain below).
SBP: Your background is a bit unusual – you’re both a therapist and an attorney, and you co-founded and now lead the High Conflict Institute. Can you talk about your career path and how practicing those two professions helped you learn to identify, and gain insights into, HCP thinking and behavior?
I got into this focus on high-conflict behavior accidently. I was working as a therapist, mostly with couples and families in which there was a substance abuse problem. I also volunteered at a community mediation center helping neighbors and others resolve their disputes. I liked how counseling-types of methods seemed to help resolve these disputes better than going to court. I especially saw how divorcing couples could benefit from divorce mediation, rather than fighting in court. So I went to law school after a dozen years as a therapist, and set up my law practice to focus on both family law in court and divorce mediation out of court.
In the process of switching from therapy to law, I noticed that the cases I dealt with in mediation had the same issues as the cases that went to court: parenting plans, child support, property division, etc. But what made the difference between which family went to court and which family settled everything in mediation was the personalities of the parents – not the legal issues.
Since I had a dozen years as a therapist, I recognized that the “high-conflict” families – the ones who headed to court because they couldn’t settle the issues in mediation – involved one or more parents with a personality disorder or traits. They were so stuck in their behavior, things didn’t get resolved. There was always another issue to fight about.
After a few years, the high-conflict pattern became clear to me, because I saw it repeated so often in one case after another. But the other legal professionals involved (lawyers, judges, mediators) didn’t think about the personalities at first, because they didn’t have the therapy background.
I started writing and teaching about this cross-over subject. Then I set up the High Conflict Institute with another colleague who also had been working in family law, Megan Hunter. That was ten years ago in 2008. It’s as relevant now as ever.
SBP: What was the process like to develop the strategies and tools you share in 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life? How did you know when things were working, and when they weren’t? What signs would you see in HCPs, or hear about from your clients who were dealing with them, that “told” you you were on the right track?
30 years ago, I worked as a therapist with some clients with personality disorders in a psychiatric hospital. So when I started seeing the same personalities with traits of these disorders in legal disputes, I realized the same techniques should work with them.
I began to focus a lot on trying to connect with HCPs in legal disputes like I did with patients in the psychiatric hospital: lots of empathy, attention and respect, and to avoid criticizing them and blasting them with anger and frustration — which is what I saw a lot of lawyers and judges doing.
I also learned as a therapist that there would always be another crisis the personality-disordered patients wanted me to solve for them, and that I had to give back the responsibility to them to solve their own problems by giving them encouragement and helping them look at their choices for future behavior and decisions. This approach worked really well with law clients as well.
Through trial and error over the last 20 years, I developed methods for legal conflict resolution based on counseling methods for personality disorders. I mostly learned by making mistakes, then learning what I could have done differently.
I knew methods really worked when my clients would calm down and make more rational decisions. It’s like you can almost decide how logical or emotional the client will be by how you behave toward them. Use the CARS Method and they calm down and focus on problem-solving. Use blame and shame, and they become highly agitated and confrontational. Unfortunately, the legal system tends to reinforce the blame and shame approach, which doesn’t work very well for HCPs.
SBP: If readers were to take away only one thing from your book, what would you want it to be?
The CARS Method®.
Connect by staying calm and saying something that shows empathy, attention or respect for the person.
Analyze options by focusing on the future and what choices you have or the HCP has.
Respond to hostility or misinformation with straight information that is Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF).
Set limits by focusing on rules and policies, so that you don’t make it personal.
I’ve tried to make this approach simple, but it does take practice because it’s usually the opposite of what you feel like doing when you’re frustrated with a high-conflict person. But it does work to help calm situations and manage relationships.
And by the way, you can use this approach with anyone; so you don’t even have to figure out if a person is a high-conflict person. If it’s even a possibility, you can still use this approach.
SBP: One of the great things about your book is how you not only help readers improve their awareness of others’ personalities, but also their own, too. Handling conflict is difficult for a lot of people, but among individuals raised by a borderline mother or a borderline father, it can be especially challenging because they didn’t get to consistently practice some pretty essential conflict-resolution skills.
Why did you make the decision to include that self-awareness piece in the book; what role does self-awareness play in dealing with HCPs?
I think self-awareness is the key to healthy and happy relationships. For people raised by a borderline parent, you got almost the opposite of this – parents who did lots of blaming others and not reflecting on him or herself.
The reason this is so important is that it helps us learn and grow together in relationships. It’s such a rewarding experience when, for example, a parent can say to a child: “I hear what you’re saying and I’ll think about it.” Just those words alone reduce so much tension and open the door to an improved relationship.
Self-awareness is the key to adapting to others enough to meet more of their needs and, therefore, asking them to meet more of your needs. Relationships should be an exchange, not a battleground.
But it takes practice. For those who didn’t get to practice this as a child with a borderline parent, they can practice with friends, a partner or a therapist.
Likewise, self-awareness is also the key to identifying healthy people versus toxic people in your life. If you meet someone and you start feeling even a little bit like you’re that person’s target of blame (they insult you, blame you, slightly hit you, start intense arguments, etc.), that would be a sign of someone to stay away from.
You might feel it before you consciously recognize it. So our gut feelings can help us, but we also need to use our heads and get consultation from others. Self-awareness means openness to change, which is a good thing in all areas of our lives.
SBP: Thank you, Bill! Readers, you can find the book at your preferred retailer or at Bill’s website, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Print Marked Items
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your
Life: Identifying and Dealing with
Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other HighConflict
Personalities
Publishers Weekly.
264.45 (Nov. 6, 2017): p69.
COPYRIGHT 2017 PWxyz, LLC
http://www.publishersweekly.com/
Full Text:
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and
Other High-Conflict Personalities Bill Eddy. TarcherPerigee, $17 trade paper (208p) ISBN 978-0-14-
313136-6
In this thought-provoking but overextended guide to identifying and avoiding conflict-prone people, Eddy
(coauthor of Splitting), a social worker, discusses clinically recognized personality disorders. Though Eddy
cites the DSM-Vas suggesting that 15% of all people have such a disorder, his book only concerns the 10%
of people with "high-conflict" personalities (HCPs.) Eddy states that his mission is to protect the reader
from becoming such a person's fixation, or "target of blame." Eddy focuses on five personality disorders:
borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, and histrionic. At times, the book can feel a bit like a safari
guide, with discussions of "spotting" each type. Eddy's examples tend to the extreme: Ted Bundy and Bernie
Madoff are used as representatives of antisocial personality disorder and "terrorist leaders" in general as
embodiments of narcissistic personality disorder. Eddy's repetitive rhetoric about how those with highconflict
personality types "ruin lives" will likely strike mental-health advocates as overly stigmatizing,
though he does urge readers to exercise compassion as well as caution. Though the subject isn't without
interest, it seems better suited to an article than a full-length book. (Feb.)
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and
Other High-Conflict Personalities." Publishers Weekly, 6 Nov. 2017, p. 69. General OneFile,
http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A514056631/ITOF?u=schlager&sid=ITOF&xid=b987ef83.
Accessed 5 Mar. 2018.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A514056631
It's All Your Fault at Work
California Bookwatch.
(June 2015):
COPYRIGHT 2015 Midwest Book Review
http://www.midwestbookreview.com
Full Text:
It's All Your Fault at Work
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW
High Conflict Institute Press
7701 E. Indian School Road, Suite F, Scottsdale, AZ 85251
9781936268665, $19.95, www.unhookedbooks.com
Collections strong in books on business management will find the narrowed focus and insights especially
important in It's All Your Fault at Work. More and more workers have high-conflict personalities: the
business manager's challenge is on how (or if) to manage them. As narcissistic or bullying people dominate
the workplace and spread discard, it's important that managers not only understand the signs and effects of
these personalities, but realize their options in responding to workplace hostility and how to set limits. This
book packs in specifics, from responding to misinformation and considering who in the workplace fits the
description of a 'high conflict personality' to making the most of workplace atmosphere and re-directing
conflict to more positive results. No manager should be without this analysis.
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"It's All Your Fault at Work." California Bookwatch, June 2015. General OneFile,
http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A419150686/ITOF?u=schlager&sid=ITOF&xid=20e120a3.
Accessed 5 Mar. 2018.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A419150686
The following is a review written by Larry Gaughan of 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Training Director and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute.
No discussion of ADR is complete without reference to the works of Bill Eddy. Bill is Training Director and co-founder (with Megan Hunter) of the High Conflict Institute (“HCI”) in San Diego, California. He is a practicing attorney and social worker, as well as one of the most experienced mediators in the United States. For ten years HCI has specialized in studying high conflict persons and finding practical ways to deal with them. HCI’s website is www.highconflictinstitute.com. HCI is an excellent source of consultation, training, books and articles on some of the most difficult and potentially destructive individuals we may have the misfortune to confront.
High conflict persons (“HCPs”) are often positional, competitive, and inflexible, and they present a variety of other problems for themselves and others. They also are likely to become invested in the conflict itself. The problem with HCPs is exacerbated in that many of them also fit the category of persons with personality disorders (“PD”).
Although HCPs are a distinct separate category from PD, there may often be an overlap, since an HCP may also have one or more personality disorders. DSM-5, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the taxonomic and diagnostic tool of the American Psychiatric Association, lists 10 PDs in the latest edition, published in 2013. Bill considers five of them to be especially prone to becoming HCPs. These five categories are narcissistic, borderline, antisocial (also known as sociopaths), paranoid, and histrionic.
In his most recent book, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Random House, 2018), Bill Eddy deals with the problems people with both conditions can cause for spouses, for anyone else who comes into contact with them, and for society. This is an essential book for divorce professionals, both as interesting and informative reading and as a book to keep on one’s desk “just in case.” The book is by no means limited to divorce or to negotiating divorce agreements. Its main focus is self-protection against persons with PDs and HCPs. The book applies to many situations other than divorce, especially those that arise in the workplace.
Both HCPs and persons with PDs present challenges in divorce cases. The basic characteristic of HCPs is that they are invested in conflict, while PDs are perhaps best described as persons with an engrained character defect. Bill Eddy diagrams and describes how a given individual may only be an HCP or have a PD, or may be an HCP with one or more PDs. The overlap cases tend to be more serious, as for example when an HCP is also a sociopath.
Bill Eddy lists three main characteristics of PDs as (1) interpersonal dysfunction, (2) lack of social awareness, and (3) lack of change. The four main attributes of HCPs, by contrast, are (1) lots of all-or-nothing thinking, (2) intense or unmanaged emotions, (3) extreme behavior or threats, and (4) a preoccupation with blaming others.
One attribute of both categories is that the cause of the condition is likely to long predate the emotions of the marriage or the divorce process, as well as the substantive issues of the divorce. However, these elements may well become more troublesome if one of the spouses in the divorce is either an HCP or has a PD. Bill examines the genesis of PDs and gives examples of both genetic and environmental (family systems) factors that may have caused the condition.
PD is a formal category in DSM-5, but HCP is not. However, the traits of an HCP may be part of some other specific psychiatric diagnosis. Unlike bipolar disorders and many psychotic conditions, which may often be successfully managed by medication, there are fewer mental health options for successful treatment or cure of either category of individuals. One of the main elements of these conditions is an inability to change.
That’s why Bill Eddy’s book, which focuses on how to deal with these persons in ways that avoid becoming a “Target of Blame,” a term Bill uses throughout the book, is so important for professionals.
The five PDs – narcissism, borderline, sociopath, paranoid and histrionic – each have distinguishing elements. Professionals should keep a copy of Bill Eddy’s book deskside is as a handy reference. He offers a one-sentence description for each of the PDs. For example, “cruel, con artist” for sociopaths. Then he lists the fear that most drives each. He follows that with the three main factors of each condition. Finally, he describes the emotions that someone is likely to experience in the presence of an individual with a PD. The emotional response to a sociopath is “a sense of danger, a need to be wary.”
For each PD, this book indicates the percentages of persons with that condition in the general society, and the percentages of males and females in each category, based on studies referenced in DSM-5. Narcissism and borderline have the highest percentages, although sociopathy is more serious in terms of its impact. That is also the condition for which gender is most one-sided, in that males are three times as likely as females to be sociopaths.
Since Bill Eddy’s book as about how to avoid problems with these persons, it is essential to keep in mind his recommendations as how to react when encountering one of them. For this purpose, he suggests one basic way NOT to respond in order to avoid becoming their Target of Blame. Never, he advises, tell an HCP that he or she is a high conflict person. The same, of course, would apply to someone with a PD. This engages them in exactly the wrong way and invites a negative, defensive response. Since high conflict people are by nature emotionally reactive, it is difficult not to be reactive to them in response. Bill’s contra-intuitive approach is much less likely to encourage them to keep the conflict going.
Bill is skilled in devising acronyms that jolt our memory. He postulates four of them: EAR, BIFF, WEB, and CARS. EAR - Empathy, Attention & Respect - is the most general of these, since it applies to a wide variety of situations including negotiation of divorce agreements. Empathy is understanding. Attention is showing that you are listening. Respect is not acting as if you are an enemy. This approach is useful in any negotiating, ADR or otherwise. It helps avoid being a Target of Blame.
BIFF stands for Bill’s four guidelines for the best ways to interact with high conflict persons: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. As with all of these acronyms, Bill Eddy provides useful examples in his book as to what each of these means and how it works. He also acknowledges that there is a danger that being too empathetic or friendly may invite manipulation from the PD or HCP. It’s the proper balance that counts.
WEB – Words, Emotions & Behavior – is an acronym for diagnosing. What is the PD/HCP is saying? What is your emotional (“gut level”) response to this person? What is bothersome about their behavior? Most of us tend to trust people. Bill Eddy counsels us that if what we are hearing, feeling, and observing would not come from 90% of the people we know, be wary. Our normal human response is to give people we don’t know the benefit of the doubt. WEB is a quick way to check whether that is appropriate in a given case. In his book, Bill gives examples of using WEB analysis with each of the five PD categories.
Finally, there is CARS – Connect, Analyze, Respond, Set Limits. Don’t avoid these persons, recognize them. Figure out what WEB is telling you. When you respond, never label the PD/HCP as such, even if you have a clear diagnosis. And, as always, when you are in doubt as to how to deal with a person you don’t know, keep it businesslike. And remember your own boundaries.
Bill Eddy points out that a PD or HCP may not come with an obvious label on their hat or lapel. Just because someone is a professional, or well-educated, or welldressed, or well-spoken, or charming doesn’t mean the he or she is not one of these persons. They may not be inherently evil. Everyone has something in their genetics, or environment, or family systems background, that may cause trouble as an adult. The two categories of individuals Bill describes may simply have too many of the genetic and experiential negatives coming together as they go through adult life.
There are other important reasons to read and retain 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life. There is a chapter about negative advocates – people who support PD/HCPs and become not only part of the problem, but at times part of the threat. The is a chapter on how to get help when you find yourself becoming a Target of Blame.
There is a great chapter at the end, “The HCP Theory,” in which Bill presents some of his thoughts as to how HCPs came to be. It includes some excellent analysis based upon left brain-right brain studies and studies of cultural influences.
Bill Eddy considers this book to be a capstone for his influential work with some of the most difficult individuals in our society. He includes some ideas as to the direction of modern society that relate to the main themes of the book. The book is clearly written, full of relevant categories and useful examples, and covers much more than the title might indicate. At a different level, however, it’s also a kind of insurance policy. One needs it even in the event there is only one future situation to which it might apply.