Contemporary Authors

1. It gets worse : a collection of essays https://lccn.loc.gov/2016002989 Dawson, Shane, 1988- author. It gets worse : a collection of essays / Shane Dawson. First Keywords Press/Atria Paperback paperback edition. New York : Keywords Press/Atria, 2016. pages cm PN2287.D39 A3 2016 ISBN: 9781501132841 (paperback) 2. I hate myselfie : a collection of essays https://lccn.loc.gov/2015002068 Dawson, Shane, 1988- author. I hate myselfie : a collection of essays / by Shane Dawson. First Keywords Press/Atria paperback edition. New York : Keywords Press/Atria Paperback, 2015. 228 pages : illustrations (chiefly color) ; 22 cm PN2287.D39 A3 2015 ISBN: 9781476791548 (paperback)

• Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shane_Dawson

  Shane Dawson
  From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
  For the baseball player, see Shane Dawson (baseball).
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  Shane Dawson
  Shane Dawson by Gage Skidmore.jpg
  Dawson in 2012
  Personal information
  Born Shane Lee Yaw
  July 19, 1988 (age 28)
  Long Beach, California, U.S.
  Nationality American
  Residence Los Angeles, California, U.S.
  Occupation
  YouTuber actor author comedian singer songwriter film director
  Website sdarmy.com
  YouTube information
  Years active 2008–present
  Genre Comedy
  Subscribers 16.4 million subscribers
  (April 2016)
  Total views 3 billion views
  (April 2016)
  Network Fullscreen
  Associated acts
  Trisha Paytas Joey Graceffa Gigi Gorgeous Fine Brothers Onision
  Play buttons[show]
  Subscriber and view counts updated as of December 16, 2015.
  Shane Lee Dawson (né Yaw; born July 19, 1988) is an American YouTube personality, actor, author, sketch comedian, singer, songwriter and film director. Dawson was known for making comedy videos featuring recurring original characters he has created (such as Shananay, Ned the Nerd, S. Deezy, Mom, Aunt Hilda, Fruitlupe and Amy), celebrity impersonations (such as Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Sarah Palin, Michael Jackson, Justin Bieber), and spoofs of popular music videos and television shows. Most of his major productions were done with the help of producer Lauren Schnipper.[1][2]

  As of April 2016, his YouTube channels, collectively, have more than 16.4 million subscribers and more than 3 billion views.[3][4] In March 2012, Dawson began pursuing a music career, releasing six singles.[5] He has also released numerous music video parodies.[6]

  His podcast, Shane and Friends, starring him and his friend Jessie Buttafuoco (originally with his producer, Lauren Schnipper), was created in 2013 and is still ongoing.[7][8] As of July, 2016, 70 episodes have been released, with multiple YouTubers and celebrity guests.

  In 2014, Dawson released his first film, Not Cool, directed by and starring himself.[9] In early 2015, Dawson released a memoir titled I Hate Myselfie: A Collection of Essays.[10] On July 19, 2016, he released another book, It Gets Worse, and an accompanying short film on his main "Shane Dawson TV" YouTube channel.[11]

  Contents [hide]
  1 Life and career
  1.1 1988–2007: Early life
  1.2 2008–10: YouTube channels
  1.3 2010–13: Television pilots and music career
  1.4 2013–present: Shane and Friends, The Chair, and books
  2 Personal life
  3 Major productions
  4 Filmography
  4.1 Film
  4.2 Television
  4.3 Web
  5 Discography
  5.1 Singles
  6 Bibliography
  7 Awards and nominations
  8 References
  9 External links
  Life and career
  1988–2007: Early life
  Dawson grew up in Long Beach, California, where he attended Lakewood High School. As a teenager, he was overweight and was mentally and psychically abused by his alcoholic father, (as well as Shane's mother) who eventually abandoned his family. He has two other older biological brothers, Jerid and Jacob Yaw. They were really close, and helped Shane during this times. Additionally, his family was poor (because of his father) and he was often bullied because of this. He has since lost 150 pounds (68 kg). He first became interested in making videos when he would turn in videos as school projects with his friends in high school.[12][13] He is of Swedish, Dutch, Welsh, and English descent.[citation needed]

  2008–10: YouTube channels
  On March 10, 2008, Dawson made his first YouTube channel, called "ShaneDawsonTV". The earliest video that remains on the channel, "Hodini's Street Magic" was uploaded three months later. When he first began making videos, he worked at Jenny Craig along with his mother and brother, but was fired in August 2008 after he uploaded a video of himself pole dancing in the building he worked in. His mother, brother and about 6 other coworkers who appeared in the video also got fired after the company saw the video.[14] In September, he uploaded a video called "Fred is Dead!", which has since received over 24 million views (as of September 2016), making it his most-viewed video to date. Dawson occasionally posts new videos on his channel "ShaneDawsonTV" (mainly short web films, music video parodies, film trailer parodies, and original music) and formerly posted other videos on his second channel "ShaneDawsonTV2", now called "Human Emoji" however the use of this channel has mostly been discontinued as of 2012.[15] His third YouTube channel, Shane, is where he previously posted vlogs, and now posts original content Mondays through Fridays. He began using this channel in May 2010. Shane often collaborates with other YouTubers or appears in their videos, such as Joey Graceffa, BrittaniLouiseTaylor, TheFineBros, Trisha Paytas, iJustine (real name Justine Ezarik), Tyler Oakley, Miranda Sings (a character created by YouTuber, comedian, singer and actress Colleen Ballinger), Sawyer Hartman, Drew Monson and others. In November 2009, Dawson was featured on Attack of the Show![16] In 2010, Forbes magazine named him their 25th most famous web celebrity.[17]

  2010–13: Television pilots and music career
  On August 11, 2010, Dawson announced that he was in the making of a 30-minute pilot which he will call SD High. Previously, the funding he needed for the pilot was provided by digital media group Take180 after he helped them out with acting in their own videos.[18] The pilot is based on two previous videos which Dawson uploaded to his main channel in Summer 2010. In his previous videos, the story centers around a teenage boy in school, and his interactions with the other characters. The pilot was due to be released towards the end of September 2010 on his main YouTube Channel, however Dawson later announced that he had been contacted by a television studio to produce the pilot for their TV channel(s).[19] According to Dawson, there is some uncertainty involving the pilot, however it may be a TV show in the future.[20] On March 26, 2011, Dawson uploaded a video to YouTube explaining to his audience that he's working with Happy Madison Productions, Sony Pictures, and some other YouTubers including TheFineBros and BrittaniLouiseTaylor to create the television show.[21] The video contains an explanation from Dawson about what he's working on, and a 'mock trailer', made up of clips from previous episodes on his YouTube channel, which was made to pitch the show. Dawson eventually withdrew from the SD High pilot, however in January 2013, Dawson revealed that production on SD High had restarted.[22]

  In January 2012, Dawson stated in a video that he was now working on a new television show, which would be semi-based on his life working at a Weight Loss center. He stated that he would be pitching the show soon, and that he was "really excited" for it, and stated the show was "kind of like Arrested Development, but - not."[23] On May 16, 2012, Dawson revealed in a vlog that he was working on a comedy-horror film, explaining that he wanted to write "something like a teen comedy", however that the film would be "scary and fun". Dawson revealed in November 2012 that he was in negotiations to direct a feature-length film.[24] In 2012, Dawson revealed in a vlog that he was working on a music project. In March 2012, Dawson revealed that his debut mainstream single, "SUPERLUV!" would be released that month. The song was released on March 31, 2012 on iTunes, with an accompanying music video debuting on his YouTube channel on the same day. The song managed to chart at 87 in Ireland, 16 on the UK Indie Chart, 163 on the UK Singles Chart and reached the 28th spot on the US iTunes Pop Chart.

  On May 8, 2012, Dawson revealed in a video that he has begun working on his next original song, which is tentatively titled "The Vacation Song". He previewed about 10 seconds of the "rough edit" of the song, and stated that he was going to change the mood of the song, saying, "Right now, it's a little too happy, because it's a break up song. I want it to be more like Kelly Clarkson's 'Since U Been Gone'." He stated that the song would "hopefully" be released by the beginning of June 2012.[25] The song was released on June 23, 2012, with the music video being released a week later. In October 2012, a film called Smiley was released to theaters starring Dawson. In December, Dawson released a new single entitled "Maybe This Christmas". On February 5, 2013, Dawson recorded a single titled "F**K Up".[26] The song was released on YouTube and iTunes on March 30, 2013.[27] On October 18, 2013, Dawson released a song entitled "Wanna Make Love To You", with Liam Horne.[28] Dawson doesn't actually provide vocals to the song, but iTunes credits him as one of the artists.

  2013–present: Shane and Friends, The Chair, and books
  In June 2013, Dawson started a podcast entitled Shane and Friends. As of 2013, Dawson revealed that he is pitching a talk show and is continuing to pitch the series about him working at a weight loss center. On November 12, 2013, Dawson announced that he was developing the weight loss center project with Sony Pictures Television for NBC. The project has been titled Losin' It and, if picked up, will be a half-hour single camera comedy series focusing on a successful former-client at a weight loss center who decides to share his inspiration by becoming a consultant at the center, and subsequently becomes the manager by the end of his first day. Darlene Hunt, Will Gluck, Richie Schwartz, Lauren Schnipper, and Dawson will serve as executive producers for the project.[29]

  On April 4, 2014, Dawson announced that he had directed and starred in a comedy film in Pittsburgh earlier that year. The film, which was made on a budget of approximately $1 million, is expected to be released in September 2014.[30][31] On June 26, he announced that the film would be titled Not Cool.[32] It was part of a Starz original series called The Chair, in which two novice directors are given the same script and must each make their own film from it. People who watched both films then voted online to vote for the films. Not Cool competed against Anna Martemucci's Holidaysburg. Zachary Quinto, producer of The Chair, called Dawson's film "deeply offensive" and "tasteless", and that Dawson should not be making films at all, removing his name from the film in disgust. Dawson defended his film by saying that "I like the movie. The producers that I trust like the movie. The test audience liked the movie. I know I deserve to make a movie because I've been working my fucking ass off these last eight years on YouTube."[33] Dawson won the competition, winning the $250,000 prize to work on another film project.[34]

  In December 2014, Dawson released a parody of Taylor Swift's song "Blank Space" on YouTube. This video was found to be in poor taste by her labels, Big Machine Records and Sony, who removed it,[35] citing "copyright infringement". Dawson subsequently claimed that the parody was removed because Sony objected to the video's violent content. Typically in the United States, parodies are generally classified as fair use, as cited in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc.. The video was restored in February 2015.

  In early 2015, Dawson released a memoir titled I Hate Myselfie: A Collection of Essays. The memoir was released by Atria Books/Keywords Press.[36]

  In July 2016, Dawson released another memoir entitled It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays. It was released by Atria/Keywords Press, an imprint of Simon & Schuster.[37][38]

  Personal life
  Dawson has five dogs, Miley, Charlie, Chocolate, Unicorn (nicknamed Corny) and Uno as well as two cats, Muffins and Snoop. They often appeared in his videos until Shane moved into his home with Lisa Schwartz, his former girlfriend.

  He currently resides in Hollywood, California.[39]

  Dawson also has body dysmorphic disorder.[40] In July 2015, Dawson came out as bisexual in a video posted on his main YouTube channel. This announcement also confirmed that he has separated from Lisa Schwartz.[1]

• Variety - http://variety.com/2014/digital/news/shane-dawson-jenna-marbles-internet-fame-1201271428/

  New Breed of Online Stars Rewrite the Rules of Fame

  NY Digital Editor
  Todd Spangler
  NY Digital Editor
  @xpangler

  19

  AUGUST 5, 2014 | 09:00AM PT
  He may be huge on YouTube, but few in Hollywood know who Shane Dawson is. Not yet, anyway.

  This story first appeared in the August 05, 2014 issue of Variety. Subscribe today.
  The 26-year-old is best known to 12 million-plus subscribers across three different YouTube channels, but he’s about to make a name for himself in film and TV, too. Dawson is directing a movie commissioned by Starz for upcoming docuseries “The Chair,” which follows two filmmakers who are given the same script to shoot. And NBC ordered a script for “Losin’ It,” a sitcom based on Dawson’s life working at a Jenny Craig weight-loss center, which he is developing with Sony Pictures Television.

  “YouTube opened up a lot of doors,” said Dawson, who is repped by UTA. “It’s the best place to be discovered, because it’s something that you personally have done, rather than (you) reading someone else’s words.”

  But Chris Moore, (“American Reunion,” “Project Greenlight 3”) executive producer of “The Chair,” confesses to being nervous about enlisting a YouTuber with zero experience to fashion a feature-length film. “It’s really difficult to make the transition Shane’s trying to make,” Moore said. “Bringing digital talent into this space can be very risky.”

  Photo by Chris McPherson for Variety

  There is no doubt a new generation of talent who create their own content on YouTube, Vine, Instagram and other platforms are becoming household names among young consumers online. Parents may be oblivious to names like Cameron Dallas or Jennxpenn because those talents aren’t on Disney Channel or the radio, but they inspire screaming throngs reminiscent of Beatlemania when they make appearances in the flesh.

  Yet as the careers of people like Dawson mature, this species of stardom is subject to interpretation. There’s the question of whether this new breed has the staying power to cross over into traditional media, but that may not even be necessary, given the increasingly meaningless distinction between Internet culture and the so-called mainstream.

  It wasn’t so long ago that establishing unknown talents required aggressively marketing them in film and TV in hopes of pumping up box office or ratings. But digital platforms have flipped the conventional formula on its head. Online personalities amass an audience first, and make money after. And what’s more, building that audience can be done without Hollywood’s help.

  “The viewer is the new studio boss,” said Will Keenan, president of Endemol Beyond USA, the TV production giant’s domestic digital arm. “We can’t force content on people anymore.”

  Traditional media companies know this all too well. That’s why there’s been a rash of deals like Disney buying Maker Studios, a large YouTube multichannel network, in a deal worth upwards of $950 million; and DreamWorks Animation snapping up AwesomenessTV last year for up to $117 million. Now Fullscreen, another big MCN, is in talks with AT&T and Chernin Group to sell a controlling stake to the two companies’ Otter Media online-video joint venture.

  These acquisitions are being made because young adults watch significantly more online video than do their elders, according to Nielsen. In the first quarter of 2014, consumers aged 18-24 viewed 2 hours and 28 minutes of online vids per week — nearly an hour more than the average for all adults. TV isn’t dying, exactly, but consumption patterns are changing.

  SEE ALSO: VIDEO: Shane Dawson Talks About His Next Project

  No wonder that for every digital star like Dawson, there are others content to build their careers on the Internet. Many are making comfortable livings — and then some — by serving their fan bases, without trying to make it big elsewhere.

  Shane Dawson photographed by Chris McPherson for Variety

  The biggest YouTube star is Felix Kjellberg, a 24-year-old Swede known as PewDiePie to his 29 million subscribers, whom he delights with daily videos in which he simply plays videogames while cracking jokes. Kjellberg recently revealed that his channel grossed $4 million in ad revenue in 2013.

  “The biggest stars in the space aren’t making the same type of money that traditional celebrities are,” said Brent Weinstein, head of digital media at UTA. “But they’re catching up.”

  Moreover, there is a “long tail of digital creators” who make higher incomes than the rank-and-file of traditional actors, Weinstein said. According to YouTube, several thousand channel partners earn six-figure incomes through the vidsite.

  WME digital agent Avi Gandhi said he’s seeing an increasing number of online stars making seven figures a year, with some approaching eight. As the ad business — which has had 70 years of buying on TV — starts figuring out that the Internet is a missed opportunity, even more dollars will pour into the ecosystem. “These digital stars, a lot of them, have online audiences bigger than TV shows,” Gandhi noted.

  STAYING NATIVE

  Jenna Marbles surely figures into this elite group. With 13.5 million subscribers, she is second only to comedy duo Smosh among U.S.-based YouTubers. Born and raised in Rochester, N.Y., Marbles — whose real name is Jenna Mourey — still has no desire to do anything other than regularly post odd, funny and personal episodes on her channel every Wednesday. The 27-year-old mostly produces the entire show alone from her Los Angeles apartment.

  SEE ALSO: Survey: YouTube Stars More Popular Than Mainstream Celebs Among U.S. Teens

  “Everyone is expecting you to use what you’re currently doing on YouTube to do something else,” she said. “I’m like, what’s wrong with hanging out and getting drunk and making silly videos? It’s not that I don’t have the foresight for a larger project. I’m just not convinced it’s worthwhile.”

  Marbles does have one gig that’s not strictly on the Internet: She’s the host of SiriusXM’s “YouTube 15” show, which features the top emerging and breakout songs based on YouTube data of the previous week.

  The goals and aspirations of digital talent vary widely, according to Sarah Passe, an exec in CAA’s business development group who focuses on the sector. “If you’re addicted to that social interaction, it’s more fun to post a video than, say, write a script,” she said. “They’re used to having an idea and executing it” — and sometimes it’s challenging to get them interested in opportunities that are farther out.

  And just because someone is famous on YouTube doesn’t mean they can succeed in another sphere, even when that is what they want. Look no further than Rebecca Black, the Southern California teen who vaulted to instant fame with her viral YouTube musicvideo “Friday” — much of the traffic driven by people mocking her — then faded back into obscurity.

  “Just because you have a huge fanbase as a sports star doesn’t mean you can be a movie star,” said Chad Gutstein, CEO of Machinima, a gamer and fanboy-focused multichannel network whose backers include Google and Warner Bros.

  Still, talent crossovers from the Internet into TV and other media are ongoing, and they have been, in dribs and drabs, for some time. Lucas Cruikshank began making “Fred” videos on YouTube, starring as a whiny teen with a high-pitched voice in 2008, when he was 13. Nickelodeon cut a deal with him, ultimately producing three “Fred” movies and the 20-episode “Fred: The Show” series that aired in 2012.

  Jenna Marbles photographed by Chris McPherson for Variety

  More recently Nick has run shows from AwesomenessTV. The Viacom kids’ cabler also has ordered a 13-episodes series “ReactToThat,” based on the YouTube franchise created by the Fine Bros. showing people from different walks of life responding to viral videos.

  Another YouTube property that’s jumped the media divide is Epic Meal Time, currently with 6.4 million subscribers. The Web series’ creator, 29-year-old Canadian Harley Morenstein, prepares outlandish dishes (e.g., burger-stuffed lasagna, an 84-egg sandwich, a donut casserole) each week with his brother Darren and assorted buddies.

  It’s now a show on A+E Networks’ FYI network: “Epic Meal Empire,” a 16-episode half-hour series that premiered July 26, in which the crew invents crazy food concoctions, based on requests.

  SEE ALSO: Digital Stars: Inside the 24-Hour Job on the Internet Stage

  Morenstein said the longer TV format helps bring out the nuances of the show’s personalities. And the bigger budget has meant the Epic Mealers can super-size their thinking. In the YouTube series, EMT created a foot-long car made entirely of meat. On the TV show, the freaky foodies made an edible Corvette the size of a golf cart, with a pizza steering wheel, rear tires made of Rice Krispies and an actual grill in the back.

  The most amazing part? “Not having to clean up at the end of the show,” Morenstein said. “We had people for that!”

  THE PLATFORMS

  YouTube isn’t the only place where digital stars are finding footholds in mainstream entertainment.

  Logan Paul, 19, is a fast-rising digital star who is as close to an overnight Internet success as it gets. Last July, he began posting funny six-second skits on Twitter’s Vine, and now has 4.8 million followers.

  “It’s gotten to the point where it has totally consumed my life,” said Paul, who grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland. In June, after finishing his freshman year at Ohio U., he drove cross-country — with his parrot, Maverick, who has his own Twitter account — to West Hollywood to pursue ambitions of growing his digital brand and potentially breaking into TV and movies.

  He’s already gotten a foot in the door. Next year, Paul has a role in Fox comedy series “Weird Loners.” In the pilot, he appears as “Naked White Guy,” a dude who wakes up in the show’s Queens, N.Y.-set townhouse after a raging party. Executive producer Michael J. Weithorn had seen Paul’s Vines, and called him in for an audition.

  SEE ALSO: Why I Watched Nothing But YouTube for a Month

  In the meantime, Paul is making real money as a Viner through sponsorship deals with brands including HBO, Pepsi, Ubisoft, Virgin Mobile and Ritz crackers. He’s on a national tour this summer to promote Hanes’ new X-Temp line of shirts and underwear. His Vine bits for the campaign include “World’s Worst Matador” and “Modern Day Shootouts” — designed to show “I can stay cool under pressure,” Paul said. Like other digital stars, he’s learned to be a hybrid of entrepreneur and showman: He recently signed a management deal with L.A.-based the Collective, and is repped by UTA.

  How much does Paul make? “More money than I made mowing lawns in high school,” is all he would say. According to social-media ad agency Niche, Vine sponsorship deals average in the mid-thousands per campaign, but can be worth up to $50,000.

  And if a video hub consisting of videos that last no more than six seconds like Vine seems an unlikely springboard, consider Snapchat, a messaging service for sending photos that expire in 10 seconds that’s hugely popular among teens, with an estimated 82 million monthly active users, most of whom are between ages 13 and 25, according to research service BI Intelligence.

  Last fall, Snapchat introduced a Stories feature, which lets posts stay up for 24 hours before they disappear. In June, content using the feature was getting 1 billion views daily — more than double that of two months earlier.

  Logan increasingly distributes videos on Snapchat. He said the 24-hour timeout adds an exclusivity and urgency for fans to check out videos ASAP.

  For many digital stars, it’s not about sticking to any one platform. Many of them have presences on multiple platforms, driving fans from one to the other. But it’s YouTube that is easily the biggest platform that’s been fueling the ascent of digital stars. The Google subsidiary has a first-mover advantage, according to Robert Kyncl, YouTube’s global head of content. “If you become the place where (creators) built their audience, there’s a tremendous sense of loyalty by the audience out of habit,” he said.

  YouTube has promoted its star creatives in national marketing campaigns on TV and other media, aimed at raising awareness on Madison Avenue that the site has popular content that reaches a wide audience. In April, it kicked off a series of ads featuring fashionistas Michelle Phan and Bethany Mota, and foodie Rosanna Pansino. This summer, it’s highlighting Epic Rap Battles and Vice News.

  YouTube execs quietly have reached out to Hollywood producers to potentially play matchmaker with some of the top-tier talent on the video site, and may selectively invest in original programming, according to sources familiar with the strategy. Various strings may be attached to the funding, including exclusive windowing on YouTube or a share of revenue for content distributed off the site. Asked for comment, a rep said, “We are always exploring various content and marketing ideas to support and accelerate our creators.”

  The initiative may be partly in response to YouTubers who have grown to fame on the site — and then launched bigger projects off the site. Those include “Camp Takota,” the comedy film starring YouTube personalities Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart and Mamrie Hart that was released this year and is available for purchase through VHX and iTunes.

  MAKING MONEY

  The money digital stars earn doesn’t come solely from YouTube, which is the only one of the online platforms that pays talent anything. For many, YouTube ad revenue, of which Google gets a cut, is the largest chunk of change. But the biggest Internet icons — whether they’re on YouTube, Twitter, Vine or another social network — have a host of other ways to monetize their large fan followings.

  Sponsored content, for starters, is a growing piece of the pie. The Fine Bros., for example, have created videoclips based on the “React” concept to promote Universal Studios’ “A Million Ways to Die in the West,” AMC series “Halt and Catch Fire,” Friskies cat food and etailer Audible.

  Target also is dipping into the YouTube well. The retail giant is running an online ad campaign this summer aimed at college-bound kids, with branded videos on Target’s YouTube channel from creators including Todrick Hall, Ann Le and Tiffany Garcia.

  YouTube-related data and revenue estimates provided by OpenSlate

  Live concerts and events featuring digital celebs also have taken off. DigiTour Media, an L.A. startup that produces concerts and events featuring YouTube and Vine stars, launched its first music tour in 2011. Last year, DigiTour sold 18,000 tickets to its events. This year, it’s already sold 100,000, and expects to top 125,000, with events in 45 markets (including four festivals, in New York, Los Angeles, London and Toronto). In 2015, DigiTour expects attendance to reach 250,000, according to co-founder Meridith Valiando Rojas.

  “The touring business is the healthiest part of the music business,” said Valiando Rojas, a former A&R exec with Columbia Records. “We realized that there was an untapped opportunity in the social space.”

  In May, DigiTour, which Valiando Rojas said is profitable, received just under $2 million in funding from Ryan Seacrest and Advance Publications, parent company of Conde Nast. Also in the music space, DWA’s AwesomenessTV, together with music-biz impresarios Russell Simmons and Steve Rifkind, cut a deal with Universal Music Group to form Awesomeness Music, a label focused on YouTube talent. Among those signed to the label are Cimorelli, the singing group of six sisters from Sacramento, Calif., that started out doing covers of songs and now has 2.7 million YouTube subscribers.

  Books are another source of revenue. Simon & Schuster’s Atria Publishing Group, in partnership with UTA, this spring formed Keywords Press, an imprint that publishes books by Internet celebs. Keywords has announced deals with Dawson and Justine Ezarik (“iJustine” on YouTube).

  Then, there’s the opportunity for the digitally famous to sell their own branded merchandise to their legions of followers. Mota, the fashion and beauty vlogger with 7 million subscribers, distributes her own line of clothing through Aeropostale.

  Phan, who has a deal with Endemol Beyond USA to develop her primary YouTube channel, a fashion-related MCN and other video properties, sells her own line of makeup in partnership with L’Oreal. Even after YouTube splashed her face on TV and billboards, Phan said she still doesn’t think she’s become mainstream. “The majority of my branding is online, and I am going to choose to stay online unless the right opportunity comes along,” she said.

  Other digital-video sites are tapping into YouTube talent, as well. AOL in July launched “Follow Me,” a 10-episode series documenting the lives of digital creators — mostly culled from YouTube. The show, produced by Fullscreen, will feature stars including Brittani Louise Taylor (1.1 million subscribers); and Ricky Dillon and JC Caylen, two popular members of online video group Our 2nd Life (O2L).

  WHAT IT TAKES

  There are specific qualities that determine who becomes a celebrity online, standing out from the billions of people who also post content.

  Sure, being a star in any medium requires having some kind of charisma and the ability to perform. Being attractive and funny helps, too. But the key attributes for online success, according to professional Internet creators and industry execs, boil down to working hard, consistently delivering fresh content, having an authentic voice and connecting with a virtual audience on an ongoing basis.

  It’s definitely a full-time job and then some, according to Anthony Padilla, half of the two-man YouTube comedy team Smosh (18.3 million subscribers) with his childhood friend Ian Hecox.

  “We’ve had plenty of days where we worked for 18 hours straight,” Padilla said. “We have been doing this stuff for almost nine years. We make sure to take one or two little vacations every year to clear our minds.”

  The Smosh guys are affiliated with Defy Media, the digital studio formed last year by the merger of Alloy Digital and Break Media.

  There’s also an element of luck and timing in hitting the digital big time, Hecox said. “We got started on YouTube very early, when there wasn’t a lot of content on there,” he noted. “I would say it’s definitely harder to break through today.”

  Another big difference between new-style Internet entertainment and old-school TV and movies is that, in many cases, the storytelling itself is all about the creator. It’s a mindset and a thirst for popularity that some might call narcissistic. But as long as audiences feel like they have a personal bond with the talent, that’s fine.

  Marbles put it this way: “I have no tangible talent. My talent is (in) being an Internet friend.”

  A thick skin is also essential, said Ray William Johnson, who rose to Internet fame with his long-running YouTube series “Equals Three,” a shortform program that riffs on trending topics, which he launched in 2009. This March, he announced he was retiring from the show, and relaunched it with a new host, Robby Motz, a 20-year-old theater student who’d never been on YouTube — until now.

  Besides liking Motz and believing in his talent, Johnson felt his new host could withstand the vitriol often leveled at high-profile digital stars. “It’s hard to perform right out of the gate, and have people call you the most horrible things humans can call you,” Johnson said.

  CAA clients from the traditional media biz often asked how they can grow their audiences on social networks, Passe said. But that’s not something that can be outsourced or manufactured. “There are no shortcuts,” she said. “The people who are good at it, are very good at it. Ultimately, it’s about them.”

  Any way you look at it, Millennials, like their parents and grandparents before them, are eagerly consuming new and different forms of entertainment. Baby Boomers had broadcast television; Gen X had cable TV; and today, there’s digital media. The significant change: Internet content doesn’t have to be distributed by a studio or a network.

  But eventually, there will be a blurring of mediums, according to some bizzers — a convergence, in which the distinctions of whether someone is a digital celebrity, a TV personality or movie star are all but erased.

  “Focusing on the talent is the big thing,” said Erin McPherson, chief content officer at Maker Studios. With the MCN now part of Disney, she’s scouting for talent that can cross over to opportunities on film and TV — including ABC and ESPN, as well as non-Disney networks — and other digital platforms. The idea is to also work the flow the other way: so, for example, Lucasfilm’s “Star Wars” team can mix it up with digital-native creators who know how to win fans in big numbers.

  Arguably, traditional stars like Jimmy Kimmel and Ellen DeGeneres qualify as YouTube stars given the tremendous followings they’ve amassed on the platform, according to Kyncl. “You will see both digital-first and analog-first brand building,” he said. “Ultimately, it all just blends.”

  The rise of digital stars — who control their relationship with the audience more closely than any generation of talent that has preceded them — will inevitably change the dynamics of the industry, said Larry Shapiro, senior VP and head of talent at Fullscreen and a former CAA agent. “Hollywood believes in pixie dust. Silicon Valley believes in data,” he said. “Today’s entertainment has to be a combination of both.”

• Quartz - https://qz.com/436482/shane-dawson-the-most-popular-successful-comedian-youve-never-heard-of/

  Shane Dawson: The most popular, successful, comedian you’ve never heard of
  Who? Shane Dawson, that's who.
  Who? Shane Dawson, that's who. (Lucy Johnston)
  SHARE

  WRITTEN BY

  Jeff Slate
  July 10, 2015
  “I just wanted to make movies,” Shane Dawson says of his unlikely fortune as a YouTube sensation. “I’d wanted to be a director since I was five, and had been making videos since I was a kid. Then YouTube came around during high school. I was making videos and it was just a place to put them, like storage.”
  That was in 2008. 12 million YouTube subscribers, a film (2014’s Not Cool), a hugely successful, trendsetting podcast, and a best selling book (this year’s I Hate Myselfie) later, and Dawson is remarkably the elder statesman of a standing-room-only BookCon panel that features fellow YouTube stars-turned-authors Joey Graceffa, Connor Franta, and Justine Ezraik. But he’s still the Shane Dawson that his legion of devoted fans adore. Warm, funny, open, honest to a fault, and clearly ambitious.
  from jeff slate
  Warm, funny, open, honest to a fault, and clearly ambitious. (Heather Landis)
  “I haven’t slept,” Dawson says, as we begin our interview, seemingly to both excuse the scattered nature of his rapid-fire answers and as a way to instantly endear himself. “I didn’t sleep last night. Up on stage I had one of those out of body experiences. I’m so sick right now. I’m going to get every kid sick. I know, I’m just blabbering.”
  It’s easy to dismiss YouTube and its stars as anything but the juggernaut it’s become. Most of us use it to watch news clips, conveniently hear our favorite music (sorry Tidal), or just to pass the time at work, the way we used to spend evenings channel-surfing. But to at least a generation, YouTube is its own ecosystem, with stars as big as any in movies or on television.
  “YouTube has a stigma about only kids watching it,” Dawson explains. “That’s true. It is mostly kids and teenagers who watch it. But I’ve never made videos for teenagers. They should not be watching my videos. They’re not for them. But that’s the medium, that’s who’s watching.”
  And part of Dawson’s appeal to his audience is the “I’m doing this for me” attitude, that comes across as authenticity in a world full of inauthentic messages.

  Who’s going to buy your books if you’re not getting views on YouTube?

  “I wanted to make movies, and YouTube was the place for me to learn how to make movies and eventually make one,” Dawson elaborates on how he came to YouTube, and what he tells his fans who want to follow in his footsteps. “A lot of people want to be advocates or whatnot. If you just want to go into it to be a public YouTuber, the shelf life for that is about two and a half years. Most YouTubers last two and a half years. What are you going to do after that? I think writing books is interesting. And I think a lot of these YouTubers want to be authors, and that is a longer career. But who’s going to buy your books if you’re not getting views on YouTube? So for that kid in the audience who asks for real advice about how to do this, is to figure out why you want to be a YouTuber and where you want it to lead you. Don’t just do daily vlogs (video blogs) and stuff. If that’s the goal, what’s going to end up happening in your daily life won’t be interesting anymore. To be successful you’ve got to have something interesting to say. You’ve got to have an interesting perspective to what you do in your life.”
  After a pause, Dawson hits on another thought.
  “You’ve also got to make good shit,” he says flatly. “You can’t put up videos that suck. A lot of people complain, ‘Oh, how come nobody’s watching my videos?’ Because they suck! My videos sucked back in the day. But very few people were watching.”
  Dawson first came to YouTube in 2008, when there was no such thing as a YouTube star—and, as a result, the stakes were relatively low. He didn’t see it as a career path at the time, because, really, it wasn’t.
  “Around 2008, I had lost all this weight and I wanted to be an actor,” he recalls. “ I thought, ‘That will be my way into making movies.’ I started auditioning, but I didn’t get anything. I was hanging out on YouTube, and I realized, ‘Wait a minute, why not start my own show on YouTube?’ I saw a couple of other people were doing it. So I just did it. I uploaded my first video in 2008 on a channel I created, Shane Dawson TV. My plan was to make weekly videos in the hopes that maybe people would watch them. They did.”
  Dawson makes it sound simple, but he hit on something that struck a nerve in a generation of what would be his core fans. From that first vlog back in 2008, to his full-length film directorial debut for Not Cool last year, Dawson has been an open book when documenting his life. Along the way, his more than 12 million YouTube followers have witnessed awkward and adorable moments of his home life that most of us would never dream of sharing—raunchy sex tape spoofs, excruciatingly detailed love life details, haircut reveals, and his simultaneously insightful and vulgar commentary on everything that celebrity culture and the internet have dished out over the past seven years.
  shane dawson with another
  “Even though I’m a very negative person… this was one thing where I believed in myself completely.” (Jeff Slate)
  “I think everybody around me believed in me because, even though I’m a very negative person, and I’ve felt a lot of doubt about everything else throughout my life, this was one thing where I believed in myself completely. I kept saying, ‘I’m going to make movies. I’m going to do that.’ I’m not sure I believed in me at that point, but I think everybody around me believed in me, and that helped push me forward.”
  It was also almost instantly rewarding financially.
  “A good year, obviously, was back in 2009, when there were less people on YouTube,” Dawson says of the money he’s earned via YouTube. “Now there are so many people that are partnered, where the ads spread super far. But back then I could get $10 for a thousand views. Now it’s pushing a dollar or two dollars for that same amount. And you never know. YouTube changes every year. They change their algorithm, their advertising. Some years you could make no money, and some years you could make great money. It can go really up and down, and that’s why a lot of YouTubers are trying to find different ways to make money—podcasting, books, music, movies—trying to find other things to support themselves. Also, YouTube has flagged a lot of my videos (as inappropriate for advertising), which means people can’t put ads on them, because they’re too risqué. And they’ve deleted some. I’ve definitely had a lot of hardship on the website. But luckily, now I get 45 million views per month or thereabouts, so that makes up for it. Back around 2009 I only had about 20 million views each month, because I only had one channel and I was doing one video a week. Now I do nine videos a week. You’ve got to evolve.”
  That evolution has included the best-selling book, I Hate My Selfie, a successful podcast called “Shane and Friends,” and Dawson’s directorial debut via last year’s Not Cool.
  “YouTube is probably about 25% of my income now,” Dawson explains. “I wanted to make sure I had other sources coming through because it’s so unreliable sometimes. So I made a movie—which I’ve obviously always wanted to do—and found out the process of not just making a movie but of funding and release and distribution. And I quickly learned that there’s no money in movies right now, unless you’re Steven Spielberg. But I don’t want to have to direct some movie just for the paycheck. I just want to make movies that I enjoy, and I did and I hope I can again.
  “The podcast is something—it’s not really underground, because it gets a lot of listens—but it’s something that I really love,” Dawson says of the hugely popular “Shane & Friends.” “Howard Stern is one of my idols. I love interviewing people and getting them to talk about things they’ve never talk about. I’ve been doing that for a couple years. I would love to keep doing that and film it, too.
  “And when I wrote a book, I wanted to write a book for people my age, for adults, that anybody would like, but that I could be proud of,” Dawson continues. “Hopefully my audience will buy it, and people outside of my audience will buy it, but I know it’s hard to expand your audience on YouTube. I’m glad it’s been successful, but for me it’s great that there are all these other ways to make income, not just from YouTube, but from my podcast, and now books. These are all things I enjoy, so it’s awesome. Everything I’m doing and am passionate about also creates income. That’s amazing. But it’s a way to support myself so that I can eventually make more movies.
  “My plan is not to kill myself and not to die,” he says. “When I graduated high school, I made a plan. I couldn’t afford college. I wanted to lose the weight. I lost 200 pounds in six months. I wanted to make the YouTube videos. I started a channel and made weekly videos. In five years, I wanted to make a movie. I did that. I directed a movie. Five years from now I want to direct another movie that I’m not starring in. That’s my goal. Ten years from now I’ll hopefully be going the Kevin Smith route, just directing and using YouTube as a way to market the movies.”
  So does Dawson have YouTube figured out?
  “It’s easy and hard,” he says, honest to a fault. “It’s easy, in a way, because I’ve got it down to a science. I’ll stockpile; I’ll film ten videos in an hour. I’ll just knock them out, change shirts, and improv the whole day. The hard part is it makes it harder for me to get inspired to do the bigger projects, the short films or music videos or whatever. Those are draining, and they’re expensive, because I fund everything myself. I don’t have a studio. So yes, it’s easier because I’ve gotten it down to a science, but it’s harder because the inspiration is harder to come by. But I’m a planner. I always think everything’s going to end tomorrow. That keeps me going.”

  I don’t think I want to be doing what I’m doing now at 30.

  Like his hero Howard Stern did when he appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman, Dawson is adept at turning the questions around, catching me off-guard.
  “You know, you asked a question that nobody ever asks, and I was happy you did,” Dawson says, flattering me, but changing the subject, too. “I don’t know if you even asked it, because you did it a nice way, but I think you asked, ‘What is the shelf life of a YouTuber?’ And it’s short! But I do think it’s interesting to think about, and I wish more people would ask that. I’ve been on YouTube so long that I’ve seen every year where there’s the new popular YouTuber, and then the next year they’re gone. Every year. It’s like, ‘Oh my god, that person!’ Then, next year, ‘Oh my god, that person!’ I’ve lasted eight years, and I think hopefully it’s because I make good shit. I don’t leave YouTube to do other things. I made my movie, and I filmed three hundred videos in a week, stockpiled them, so that nobody would know I was gone. I don’t censor myself. I tell jokes I think are funny and stories I think are interesting, and I hope that there is a weird group of people out there who agree.”
  But, ultimately, it’s not just about authenticity, commitment, and having something to say—though those are, of course, important. It’s also about having a plan.
  “I think YouTube will always be there,” Dawson says as we finish the second of our conversations and he heads out to sign hundreds—perhaps thousands—of autographs for his screaming, teenage fans who’ve waited at BookCon for hours to see his panel and get their book signed. “I think it will change. I don’t think I want to be doing what I’m doing now at 30. I think finding new voices that I think are funny is the next thing I’m going to really focus on. I already have these two young YouTubers on my channel. They make the videos, edit them, and then put them on my channel. I’d love to do more of that. Kind of create the new MTV, or the cool new alternative comedy channel. And, of course, make more movies. And just direct. It’s hard. But that’s the plan.”

• Simon & Schuster - http://www.simonandschuster.com/authors/Shane-Dawson/471649755

  Shane Dawson is a director, actor, comedian, musician, YouTube vlogger, and the New York Times bestselling author of I Hate Myselfie. He lives in Hollywood, California. Find him on YouTube.com/user/ShaneDawsonTV.

• Internet Movie Database - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3507289/

  WRITER

  2015 I Hate Myselfie 2 (Short)
  2015 I Hate Myselfie (Short)
  2014 Fifty Shades of Shane (TV Series)
  Shane Dawson TV (TV Series) (3 episodes, 2010 - 2013) (writer - 22 episodes, 2008 - 2010) (written by - 1 episode, 2008)
  - Sweat Shop (2013)
  - Justin Bieber Beat Me Up! (2011)
  - Santa's Dead: A Love Story (2010)
  - Haunted House Party! (2010) ... (writer)
  - Youtube Got Me Fired (2008) ... (writer)
  - Yo Momma Youtube Battle (2008) ... (writer)
  - Why Was I Born? (2008) ... (writer)
  - Who Are We? (2008) ... (writer)
  - Vlog = Vagina? (2008) ... (writer)
  - The Christmas Wrapper (2008) ... (writer)
  - Sarah Palin Music Video (2008) ... (writer)
  - Pranks Gone Wrong! (2008) ... (writer)
  - Pissed Off! (2008) ... (writer)
  - Pick Up Lines (2008) ... (writer)
  - Phone Sex (2008) ... (writer)
  - Fred Is Dead! (2008) ... (writer)
  - Flaws (2008) ... (writer)
  - Dare the Dawson (2008) ... (writer)
  - DMV (2008) ... (writer)
  - Britney Spears for the Record (2008) ... (writer)
  - Beyonce: Single Ladies (2008) ... (writer)
  - Barf & Porn FTW! (2008) ... (writer)
  - 911 (2008) ... (writer)
  - Kermit the Frog & Me (2008) ... (written by)
  - Hodini's Street Magic (2008) ... (writer)
  Hodini and Dana Cop-A-Feel ... (writer)
  “Shane Dawson Is Pissed!” Totally Sketch (TV series), 2009; Friends Forever (short), 2011; How Shananay Stole Christmas (short), 2011;

It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays
Michael Cart
Booklist.
112.18 (May 15, 2016): p12.
COPYRIGHT 2016 American Library Association
http://www.ala.org/ala/aboutala/offices/publishing/booklist_publications/booklist/booklist.cfm
Full Text: 
It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays. By Shane Dawson. July 2016. 256p. Atria/Keywords, paper, $16 (97815011328411.818.
He's baaack. YouTube vlogger Dawson returns with a second collection of autobiographical essays (following I Hate Myselfie, 2015). His many
fans (his YouTube channel has more than seven million subscribers) will enjoy his musings about his life from childhood, when he was morbidly
obese, to his latter-day celebrity as a slimmed-down TV reality star and film director. The 13 essays collected here are a mixed bag; most, rooted
in self-deprecation and hyperbole, are humorous, but some are quite moving. In one, he encounters the ghost of his beloved grandmother; in
another, he records the bittersweet experience of producing his first public video; in yet another, wrestling with his sexuality--he has come out as
bisexual--he tries to engineer his first sexual encounter with a male met on Craigslist; and, in the most personal of his essays, he records his fiveyear
struggle with bulimia. When all is said and done, how funny are these essays? On a humor scale of 1 to 10, 1 being meh and 10 being a hoot,
Dawson's essays earn a solid 7.--Michael Cart
YA: Teen fans of David Sedaris will enjoy Dawsons perky essays. MC.
Source Citation   (MLA 8th
Edition)
Cart, Michael. "It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays." Booklist, 15 May 2016, p. 12. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?
p=ITOF&sw=w&u=schlager&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA453913524&it=r&asid=da34ef793e5a4287fa5f11487db7fe34. Accessed 5 Feb. 2017.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A453913524

---

2/5/2017 General OneFile - Saved Articles
http://go.galegroup.com/ps/marklist.do?actionCmd=GET_MARK_LIST&userGroupName=schlager&inPS=true&prodId=ITOF&ts=1486322430982 2/2
It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays
Publishers Weekly.
263.15 (Apr. 11, 2016): p49.
COPYRIGHT 2016 PWxyz, LLC
http://www.publishersweekly.com/
Full Text: 
It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays
Shane Dawson. Atria/Keywords, $16 trade paper (256p) ISBN 978-1-5011-3284-1
Popular YouTube personality Dawson (I Hate Myselfie) exhibits his signature brand of twisted humor and neuroses in his second volume of
personal essays. A number of these trace his artistic and professional development from a high school video project to a sobering experience
filming his first feature film for a reality show and dealing with eviscerating reviews. He frankly discusses the journey to accepting his
bisexuality, beginning in kindergarten with simultaneous crushes on the pretty blonde girl and the spiky-haired bullying boy. This journey is
fraught with sadness, as when he describes his tendency to "fill the void ... with food and other addictions," and comedy, as he takes a trip down
the rabbit hole of hookup apps. His self-deprecating and outrageous humor is hit or miss, but at its best it deserves comparison to David Sedaris,
whether he's writing, "I'm the opposite of a party animal. I'm a funeral person" or recalling wearing a flamboyant T-shirt on the first day of middle
school and boarding a Bible study bus for the free candy. A story about ending up at the Mexican border after a wrong turn, however, is
completely unfunny and entirely lacks the drama he tries to manufacture. This decent if lopsided second effort from a writer still finding his voice
should satisfy Dawson's previously established fans. (July)
Source Citation   (MLA 8th
Edition)
"It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays." Publishers Weekly, 11 Apr. 2016, p. 49+. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?
p=ITOF&sw=w&u=schlager&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA449662998&it=r&asid=cb336a9afb3889cc7ff7793084735571. Accessed 5 Feb.
2017.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A449662998

Cart, Michael. "It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays." Booklist, 15 May 2016, p. 12. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do? p=ITOF&sw=w&u=schlager&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA453913524&it=r. Accessed 5 Feb. 2017. "It Gets Worse: A Collection of Essays." Publishers Weekly, 11 Apr. 2016, p. 49+. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do? p=ITOF&sw=w&u=schlager&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA449662998&it=r. Accessed 5 Feb. 2017.

• Entertainment Weekly
  http://ew.com/article/2016/07/20/shane-dawsons-new-book-it-gets-worse-excerpt/
  Word count: 5210

  Shane Dawson: Read an excerpt from the YouTube star's new book, 'It Gets Worse'

  Christian Holub@cmholub

  Posted on July 20, 2016 at 5:26pm EST

  Laura Cavanaugh/Getty Images

  In his second memoir, It Gets Worse, YouTube star Shane Dawson examines the idea that “it gets better” head-on.

  “I’m here to tell you that it gets worse. It really does,” Dawson said in a statement. “The problems you have as a kid will seem ridiculous when you get older because bigger and worse problems will come along. But you will learn to deal with them easier as you grow up, or, like me, you’ll just stop giving a s—. So yes, it gets worse, but you know what gets better? Your tolerance for bulls—.”

  Like Dawson’s previous book, I Hate Myselfie, It Gets Worse is a collection of humorous autobiographical essays, covering subjects from hiring a psychic to being bisexual. The essays are laced with both bracing honesty and Dawson’s signature humor.

  Check out an excerpt from the book, out now, about Dawson’s experience with a Best Buddies program in middle school below.

  Excerpt from It Gets Worse by Shane Dawson

  “Best Buddies”

  Some people say high school is the most awkward and humiliating time of your life. Those people must have blocked out middle school, which marks the formative stage between childhood and adolescence, when you don’t quite have acne but you definitely have prepubescent BO that smells like somebody threw up a Big Mac on a pile of pig s–t. The smell that radiated off my twelve-year-old body caused my own mother to keep her distance from me. I remember one night when my mom sat on the other side of the couch while we watched MTV Cribs, which was very out of character for her because that was our favorite show to snuggle up to while we talked about our dream house.

  Anyways, I knew that middle school was going to be a challenge for me. None of my friends from elementary school were going to be there because I had moved to another city after my parents got divorced. Most kids in my position would have been thinking more about the fact that their family had been torn apart and they were stuck between two fighting parents. I was more worried about having no friends to help me get my backpack out of the toilet after someone stole it and then peed on it. Which, by the way, actually happened to me. Except not only did someone pee on it, she perioded on it as well. I’m not sure if “perioded” is a word, but you get the point. It was graphic.

  The night before my first day of sixth grade my brother Jerid sat me down to give me some very wise advice.

  JERID: Don’t wear black.

  ME: Why?

  JERID: You already have the face of someone who’s gonna shoot up the school. Don’t dress like one.

  ME: Got it.

  JERID: Also, don’t use your pencil case. No one uses pencil cases.

  ME: Then what am I gonna hold my pencils in??

  JERID: Your backpack.

  ME: Then what’s gonna protect them from the pee and period blood?

  JERID: What?

  ME: My life is different than yours.

  The next morning I woke up extra early so I could pick out something to wear that didn’t make me look like a total idiot. FOUND IT! My SeaWorld shirt that had three dolphins swimming in a circle with the words “Poetry in Motion” on it. IN CURSIVE. Nailed it! While riding in my mom’s car on the way to school I started thinking about all the things I was most nervous about, and I started sweating so hard that the dolphins were literally swimming in water. It was actually kind of beautiful, poetic if you will.

  My biggest fear was the boys’ locker room. The thought of changing in front of a group of guys made me want to jump out of my mom’s car and get hit by a semi. Which, by the way, I used to think about every day. Thank God for child-safety locks. They’re not just for curious toddlers, they’re for sad, fat tweenagers with micro-dicks too. As my mom pulled up to my new prison she gave me a hug, while holding her breath to avoid smelling my tuna pits, and told me she was proud of me.

  ME: For what? MOM: For growing into such a wonderful man.

  ME: But I’m only twelve.

  MOM: Eh, you look thirty.

  As I walked up the steps and into the gates I took a look around and noticed I was the only person wearing beautiful mammals on his shirt, and I felt pretty cool. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe I would have a great yea—

  DOUCHE: Nice shirt, dumb ass!

  Ok, he didn’t like it, but maybe someone els—

  HOT GIRL: Poetry in Motion?! Here’s a poem for you: Roses are red, violets are blue, I would rather choke on a coat hanger and die than fuck you.

  I mean, I have to hand it to her. It was kinda good. As I walked to my first class I searched the halls, trying to find a familiar face. I knew my friends from elementary wouldn’t be here, but maybe a kid I knew from my social life would. Of course by social life I mean the ball pit at McDonald’s and the waiting room at my children’s therapist’s office. Unfortunately I didn’t see any other fatties or crazies, so it was just me surviving this day alone.

  A few hours later the lunch bell rang, and I had no idea what to do. If I were to sit in the grass patch by the quad alone, everyone would know what a loser I was. Although my shirt wasn’t helping that situation. So I decided the only thing for me to do was hang out in the hallway and pretend like I was working on something. I’d rather people think I was an overachiever than a friendless mammal activist. So I took out my lunch and grabbed a notebook out of my backpack and started writing down nonsense. As I was on my third page of pointless scribble I heard a voice from behind me. It was a teacher, and her name tag read “Mrs. Rose.” She was an older woman wearing a HIDEOUS cat sweater and an even more hideous wig. She looked like a crazy person you would see on a sitcom. You know, the lady who lives next door with eighty cats who plays marching band music out of her xylophone.

  MRS. ROSE: That’s a beautiful shirt.

  I’m burning this shirt.

  MRS. ROSE: What’s your name?

  ME: Shane.

  MRS. ROSE: That’s the name of my ex-husband.

  ME: Oh. Cool. What was he like?

  MRS. ROSE: He was a hero. He was eaten by rats while hiding from the enemy in a hole for two months.

  ME: Wow, he was in the army?

  MRS. ROSE: Nope.

  Suddenly I wasn’t the saddest person in the hallway.

  MRS. ROSE: Are you in need of some company?

  ME: Um . . .

  There’s nothing creepier to me than a student who hangs out with the teachers. I had one teacher in high school who would hang out with all the cheerleaders during lunch and buy them Quiznos on Fridays.

  ME: I’m ok. Just working on my homework.

  MRS. ROSE: That paper just has stick figures killing themselves on it.

  Wow. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was scribbling. That’s telling.

  MRS. ROSE: Come into my classroom. There will be lots of friends for you to make.

  She either had a room full of kids or a brain full of different personalities, but it was still better than sitting on a school floor with gum stuck to my ass. I got up and went into her classroom, and to my surprise there were real live kids! Although, I’m guessing she had multiple personalities too. That wig was definitely hiding some demons.

  MRS. ROSE: Everyone, this is Shane. Let’s all say hi to Shane!

  The kids shouted my name in what I can only describe as a clusterfuck of noise and screams. I turned around and saw the sign next to the door, and it all made sense. This was a special ed class, and she thought I belonged here. I looked down at my suicide scribble for some ideas of how to fucking kill myself on the spot. Unfortunately there were no sharp objects to be found, and nobody was wearing belts because elastic shorts were all the rage in this room.

  MRS. ROSE: There’s a table back by the reading corner with an empty seat. Why don’t you go on back there and meet some of the children? They don’t bite. Well, Andre does, but only when provoked. He also tends to punch people in the genitals, but that’s only when it’s cold out.

  I walked to the back table, and what I saw surprised me. There was a girl with long brown hair and beautiful blue eyes sitting reading a book. And it was a high school book, not a Dr. Seuss book with lots of pictures. My heart stopped and she put down the book and looked up at me. I was waiting in anticipation to see what was going to come out of her mouth. Were her words going to be slurred? At this point I didn’t care. She was so hot I would have let her bite me in the face and punch me in the dick.

  GIRL: Hi, my name is Cary.

  My whole being went numb. She had the most beautiful voice, and her smile made me feel instantly safe. Something that I didn’t feel too often as a kid. This was my moment to woo her. To let her know that I was her man and I was ready for the relationship to blossom.

  ME: I’m not retarded!

  CARY: What?

  ME: I know. I mean, this shirt is retarded, but I’m not retarded. And I know I’m super fat, but I’m not like “retardedly fat,” you know? I’m like . . . normal fat.

  CARY: You should probably stop talking.

  ME: Not that there’s anything wrong with being retarded! I have retarded people in my family! I mean, now that I think about it, I probably got some retarded genes passed down to me. I definitely have been told I have a retarded person’s forehead.

  CARY: Can I talk to you in the hallway real quick?

  I could tell I had messed up. Her face was red and it was squinched in anger in a way that reminded me of the times my mom discovered I’d tried on her lingerie while she was at work. I was in BIG TROUBLE . . . and also had therapy again on Monday.

  Cary dragged me into the hallway and closed the door tightly behind her so none of the students could hear.

  CARY: What the fuck is wrong with you??

  ME: Do you want a list or . . .

  CARY: Do you know how offensive the word “retarded” is?

  ME: A lot?

  CARY: Ya, a lot! And you said it like thirteen times. And what the hell do you mean by a retarded person’s forehead?

  I lifted my hair up.

  CARY: Oh . . . Ya, I guess I can see that.

  ME: I’m sorry! I was just nervous! I really do know . . . mentally challenged people, and I would never want to hurt their feelings. I just couldn’t shut up, and you’re so . . . so . . .

  CARY: If you say “retarded,” I’m gonna pull an Andre and punch you in the tits.

  ME: I thought he punched in the crotch?

  CARY: Oh, maybe that’s something he only does to me, then.

  ME: I don’t blame him. I’d punch you in the tits all day if I could.

  She looked creeped out. Probably should have just said “retarded” again.

  ME: I’m sorry. Can we start over? I have no friends, and I really don’t want to spend the rest of the year eating on the floor and having people throw food on me ’cause they think I’m a trash can.

  CARY: That happened?

  ME: No, but it will. Some people say that when they see me from the corner of their eye, I look like trash.

  CARY: Wow, that’s dark.

  ME: Ya, my grandma gets kinda mean when she misses a pill. One time she told me from far away I looked like the bus.

  CARY: Ok, then. Well, let’s start over. Hi, I’m Cary.

  ME: Hi, I’m Shane.

  CARY: Nice to meet you.

  She smiled. I smiled back. We had a moment. It was nice. Next step, she would be my girlfriend and I would love her forever.

  ME: Can I ask you a question? You seem really cool, and pretty, and normal. Why are you hanging out with the special ed kids?

  CARY: Well, my brother is mentally handicapped and I wanted to do something in school to help out people that were struggling like him. So I decided to join the Best Buddies program.

  ME: What’s that? She walked me back inside the classroom and explained the program, which was really amazing. It was a club where students would come in during lunch and spend time with the special ed kids. And it wasn’t an educational thing. They didn’t read to them, or teach them math, they just hung out with them. Treated them like peers. Just chilled with each other and didn’t act like anyone was different. Because, as Cary put it, “we’re all the same and we’re all just as fucked-up as each other.” A statement I couldn’t have related to more.

  After hanging out with her for that lunch period, I decided that I wanted to join the club. Mainly because it sounded like a really cool way to give back, but also I wanted to see Cary get punched in the tit by her buddy so I could jerk off to it later. This was before Internet porn existed, so don’t judge me.

  The next day during lunch I walked into Mrs. Rose’s class and spotted Cary sitting in the back reading her book. I walked up to her, but before I could get her attention Mrs. Rose stopped me in my tracks.

  MRS. ROSE: Shane! I’m so happy you decided to join Best Buddies!

  ME: Thanks! I’m gonna go hang out with Cary and her buddy!

  MRS. ROSE: Um, Shane. You don’t need to hang out with Cary’s buddy! You get your own buddy!

  For some reason that thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I figured I would be hanging out with everyone. Being in charge of one person terrified me. The one time I’d ever babysat, the kid ran into a glass door and got a concussion. And I laughed. I wasn’t made for this.

  ME: Maybe I could just be like . . . everybody’s buddy?

  MRS. ROSE: That sounds exactly like something my ex-husband used to say. And do I need to remind you what happened to him?

  Rats. Hole. Dead. Moving on.

  ME: Where’s my buddy?!

  She turned around and grabbed a student from a desk. As the student stood up I noticed the name tag on his desk. Andre. The dick-punching, face-biting, eight-foot-tall guy whose dick I could see through his elastic shorts, and it was HUGE. It looked like a toddler hiding behind window curtains. I started to panic. I was not cut out for this. I’m sure he was a sweet kid, but he could literally EAT ME. He was the tallest person I had ever seen. His head was the size of a train and his teeth looked like the passengers.

  MRS. ROSE: Andre, say hi to Shane!

  ANDRE: Hi.

  BOOM! His voice was so low it ricocheted against the walls and made all the desks vibrate. It was like that scene in Jurassic Park where the T. rex roars in the face of those kids and they all s–t themselves. There was a serious chance I had shit myself too.

  ME: Hi, Andre. Nice to meet you.

  MRS. ROSE: Put your hand out, Shane.

  ME: WHAT?

  MRS. ROSE: Put your hand out so Andre can shake it.

  PUT MY HAND OUT? Are you f—–g crazy?? I’m sure he’s sweet, but if he grips my hand with his, it will look like the Jaws of Life CRUSHING a Kia Soul! And I can’t lose my right hand! That’s the hand I do all my . . . scribbling with.

  CARY: Come on, Shane. Shake his hand.

  Cary was now standing next to me with a smile on her face. She was loving this. The look of sheer terror plastered across mine was giving her pure oxygen. She was living for it.

  ME: Ok. Let’s do this.

  I put my hand out to shake his, and . . . he shook back. It was fine. He didn’t crush me. He didn’t punch me. He just shook my hand, smiled, and let me go. I felt like a total piece of s–t. I couldn’t believe for a second I had been too scared to treat him like a human being. Just because he was an actual giant and had the voice of a ship horn didn’t mean—

  ANDRE: BALLS!

  CRUNCH! He jabbed my junk and started crying laughing. Cary started to bust up and even Mrs. Rose couldn’t hold her laughter. Finally, Cary reached over and placed her hand on my shoulder.

  CARY: Welcome to the club, Shane.

  Over the next month I went to the classroom every day during lunch and we had the best time with each other. Andre was actually super hilarious and really cool to talk to. He had such an interesting life. His family had moved six times in one year and I related to that a lot. Since my parents divorced I had moved a few times and it was really hard on me. I couldn’t imagine dealing with that on top of needing special attention. He was a really extraordinary guy, except for the occasional violence. One day we received an assignment from Mrs. Rose.

  MRS. ROSE: Ok, everyone, I thought it would be fun if this weekend you took your buddy out for a fun time! Maybe a movie, or a lunch date, or even a ball game at the park! What do you think?

  Everyone was super excited about it. Especially Andre. He gave me a hug and squeezed me tighter than I had ever been squeezed before. It was similar to the footage you see on Animal Planet of the anaconda SUFFOCATING the goat and swallowing him whole. It was definitely a sweet and terrifying moment that made my sad life flash before my eyes.

  I didn’t really have anyone to hang out with on the weekends, so I was also excited about this task. Maybe Cary and I could have a double date with our buddies? There was only one way to find out.

  ME: Hey, Cary, what are you and your buddy gonna do this weekend?

  CARY: We’re gonna have a sleepover at my place. You know, girl stuff. What about you?

  Crap. She’s busy and I had nothing planned.

  ME: Same.

  CARY: You’re gonna have a sleepover with Andre?

  Didn’t think that one through.

  ME: No! We’re gonna do guy stuff. You know . . . play with Beanie Babies and probably whip something up in the Easy-Bake Oven.

  I didn’t know much about guy stuff.

  CARY: Cool. Well, have fun, freak.

  The bell rang, and it was time to go back to class. She smiled at me as she left, and I couldn’t stop smiling back. I needed to ask her out soon, but I didn’t know how. What if she just saw me as a . . . buddy?

  That night I was having my man date with Andre. My mom and I drove over to pick him up and he ran out of his house in a way that reminded me of another scene from Jurassic Park. You know, the one where the T. rex runs toward the truck and then eats everyone inside?

  MOM: That’s your friend?

  ME: Yep! Big, huh?

  MOM: It looks like a toddler hiding behind window curtains.

  He got in the car, and my mom took us to the movies. I’m about 90 percent sure my mom thought we were on a date, and I was ok with that. I mean, Andre was a catch, and let’s be honest, I was lucky to get what I could get. As Andre and I waited in the theater for the movie to start we started engaging in “man talk.”

  ME: Do you think Cary likes me? You know, likes me likes me?

  Sorry, spelling error. I meant “girl talk.”

  ANDRE: Ya. She likes everyone! She’s so nice.

  ME: Ya . . . but I mean . . . you know . . . LIKES me.

  ANDRE: Like the way I like Mrs. Rose?

  ME: I hope not.

  ANDRE: Have you asked her?

  ME: No way! What if she says no! What if she laughs at me! What if she makes you punch me in the dick?

  ANDRE: You should ask her to the fall dance. I’m gonna ask Mrs. Rose.

  ME: Fall dance? That’s a thing? Also, you really gotta find a new crush. You know, something not illegal.

  ANDRE: The fall dance is coming. It’s my favorite dance ’cause there’s candy corn everywhere.

  ME: Now you’re speaking my language. I f—–g love candy corn.

  ANDRE: Also Mrs. Rose always saves me a slow dance.

  ME: You’re creeping the f— out of me, Andre.

  That Monday Mrs. Rose told us what our next assignment would be. We were in charge of being our buddies’ guardians at the fall dance. This was perfect! It was the perfect time for me to ask Cary if she wanted to take our relationship to the next level.

  ME: Hey, Cary, will you go to the dance with me?

  CARY: Oh . . . you mean like . . . as a . . . friend?

  ME: Um . . . Um . . .

  I started to sweat, and I heard a grunt behind me. It was Andre shooting me a “you got this” face. I turned back around to meet my destiny.

  ME: No. As more.

  CARY: Oh.

  OH?! What do you mean OH?! She used the same tone I would have if I found out it was past eleven a.m. and McDonald’s wasn’t doing breakfast anymore!

  CARY: I just don’t want to date right now.

  ME: Oh.

  My “oh” was more in the tone of just hearing that MCDONALD’S HAD JUST BLOWN UP AND THEY WERE NEVER COMING BACK!

  CARY: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to date until I’m fifteen. We’re still kids, you know.

  ME: But I look thirty.

  CARY: I’m sorry, Shane.

  She gave me a hug. Not as tight as an Andre hug but just as sweet.

  CARY: Still friends?

  ME: Hey, best buddies.

  We laughed, but on the inside I was dying. It was the first time I had ever had the courage to ask a girl out, and I got shot down. Luckily Andre was there to lift me up.

  ANDRE: Mrs. Rose said yes!

  ME: What?

  ANDRE: Told you she liked me.

  Once again my mentally handicapped friend’s life was better than mine. The next week was the dance and I made sure to find the coolest outfit I could. Unfortunately I’d thrown my dolphin shirt in a fire pit and watched it burn to f—–g ash, so all I had left was the outfit I’d worn to fifth-grade graduation. It was a button-up shirt and pants that had a rip in the ass. Still a step up from the dolphin shirt.

  My mom dropped me off at the dance, and I saw Andre standing at the door waiting for me. He looked awesome. He had on a suit and the shiniest shoes I had ever seen. He looked like a member of OutKast, and I looked like a guy from American Idol who lived in his car and got voted out the first week. As we walked in together, lots of girls were hitting on Andre and staring at his . . . toddler. I tried to make the sexiest face I could, and all I got was a teacher asking me if I was ok. She even mentioned that the nurse was on duty. Once again, nailing it.

  CARY: Hey, Shane! Hey, Andre!

  ME: Hey! Where’s your buddy?

  CARY: She’s on the dance floor. I can’t get her off.

  ME: Isn’t she . . . deaf ?

  CARY: Ya! She feels the vibrations of the beat through her feet!

  I looked over at Cary’s buddy and she looked like she was in an old-school Britney video. Her arms were popping, her hips were shaking, her head was whipping. She was a true pop icon reincarnated. Of course the deaf girl was a better dancer than me, and my buddy had a bigger dick than me. Special ed kids: 2. Me: 0.

  CARY: Are you gonna dance?

  ME: Nah, probably not. Just gonna make sure all the buddies are safe. Maybe have some punch or something.

  CARY: Well, I’m going to dance, so if you wanna join, that’s where I’ll be.

  I wanted to be there more than anything. Dancing with her. Watching her hair fly through the air as she jumped around to the beat. It sounded like heaven. Too bad I was a big pussy who watched everyone else have fun while I ate deviled eggs by the trash can. You know, eating the innards and throwing away the white. A big pop song came on and busted through the speakers. I don’t remember the song, but I do remember it was something everyone knew and everyone wanted to dance to. I saw all the best buddies RUSH to the dance floor and take over. I was nervous because I didn’t want the other students to make fun of them. Kids can be so mean. Hell, just a couple of months ago I might have even laughed at a group of special ed kids freak-dancing on each other. But after spending time with them and becoming their friend I just wanted to see them have fun and be happy. And that’s what they were doing. Mrs. Rose’s whole class was in the middle of the dance floor fully having the time of their lives. Not caring what anyone was thinking about them. Not listening to the laughter coming from some of the “normal” kids, and not even paying attention to anyone around them.

  As I watched I felt inspired. I wanted to be more like them. I wanted to not care what other people thought. I wanted to just be myself and ignore all the a–holes that surrounded me. I decided to throw away my last deviled egg and make my way to the dance floor. I saw Cary, and she was jumping up and down like she was in the middle of a rave. She looked so free and so happy. I ran up to her and started jumping too. She screamed over the music.

  CARY: YOU’RE DANCING!

  ME: YA, I KNOW!

  CARY: YOU SMELL LIKE EGGS!

  I shut my mouth to keep the smell from coming out and kept dancing. She laughed and then grabbed my hands. We started jumping up and down and spinning in circles. Besides the fact that deviled-egg-colored vomit was starting to come up, it was the most fun I had had in a long time. I felt like I’d found my place. For the rest of the year I spent each day hanging out with Cary and the rest of the buddies and I never had to eat lunch alone again. I also started wearing a crotch cup on cold days just in case Andre experienced a fit of rage. Luckily I had a micro-dick, so not much damage could have been done anyways. I’m not sure where Andre is now, but I’m sure his life is better than mine in every way. That good-looking, tall, hung a–hole.

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