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WORK TITLE: A Beautiful, Terrible Thing
WORK NOTES:
PSEUDONYM(S):
BIRTHDATE:
WEBSITE: http://www.jenwaite.com/
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STATE: ME
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An Interview with Jen Waite, Author of “A Beautiful, Terrible Thing”
RESEARCHER NOTES:
LC control no.: no2017089307
LCCN Permalink: https://lccn.loc.gov/no2017089307
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PERSONAL
Married; husband’s name Marco (divorced); children: Louisa.
ADDRESS
CAREER
Writer. Former actor.
WRITINGS
SIDELIGHTS
As the title of Jen Waite’s debut (A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal) implies, Waite’s tale chronicles the formation and dramatic dissolution of her marriage. Waite slowly discovers that the man she married is a psychopath, and much of the book chronicles that discovery. The memoir also serves as both a warning and a guidebook for other people who may find themselves in a similar situation. Waite relates her tale from start to finish, and she explains that she was in her twenties and working as a waitress when she met Marco, who worked as bar manager at the same restaurant. Marco admitted that he was in the country illegally and that he had a seven-year-old son from another relationship (whom he did not get to see often), but Waite was taken by Marco’s charm and his desire to become a better father. The couple married, Marco received his green-card, and Waite ransacked her savings so she and Marco could start their own restaurant. Then Waite gave birth to their daughter, Louisa, and everything changed. The loving husband she’d known turned into someone distant and accusatory, and Waite soon discovered that Marco had been seeing another woman for months. When she confronted him, Marco began a series of psychological manipulations that alternated between gaslighting and blame. Blindsided and confused, Waite tried to make her marriage work, only to slowly come to the realization that her spouse was a psychopath.
As the author noted in an online Chump Lady interview, “this experience is shockingly more common than we think, or at least, than I thought. Since coming forward with my story, I have received hundreds of emails from other women (and a few men) who have lived through similar betrayals. There is a shame stigma surrounding this kind of life-altering betrayal. On the one hand, you feel like you should have seen it coming, and then on the other hand, if you try to explain to friends and family what really happened, you end up sounding crazy. And I’ll be the first to admit to having these thoughts about myself.” Waite added: “Now I know that there are certain people (namely narcissists and sociopaths) who take pleasure in pulling the rug out and dropping you on your ass when you least expect it. While there are absolutely red flags in the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist and/or sociopath (thank God), the devalue and discard are designed to inflict as much confusion and hurt as possible, and at the same time convince you (via gaslighting) that you were to blame for the sudden absolute 180. I suppose my advice first and foremost is to be gentle with yourself. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not “recovering” fast enough or for being angry or sad or ashamed.”
Praising Waite’s hard-won insights in Kirkus Reviews, a critic remarked: “Many will find they can use this as a guidebook of what to watch out for so they don’t make the same mistakes that the author did.” A Publishers Weekly correspondent called A Beautiful, Terrible Thing an “emotionally charged memoir.” The correspondent then went on to conclude that “Waite’s is a well-written and at times gripping story of deceit.” Charmaine Chan, writing in the online South China Morning Post, was more ambivalent, asserting: “Had Waite given herself some distance from the torment, her book may have felt less like self-therapy. That said, others who have gone through similar relationships will cheer her on.” Yet, in the words of a Bookish Beck website reviewer, “Surviving to tell her story and perhaps train to become a therapist for women who have been in her situation is Waite’s apt revenge.”
BIOCRIT
BOOKS
Waite, Jen, A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal, Plume (New York, NY). 2017.
PERIODICALS
Kirkus Reviews May 15, 2017, review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing.
Publishers Weekly, May 8, 2017, review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing.
ONLINE
Bookish Beck, https://bookishbeck.wordpress.com/ (February 26, 2018), review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing.
Chump Lady, https://www.chumplady.com/ (February 26, 2018), author interview.
Girly Book Club, https://girlybookclub.com/ (February 26, 2018), review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing.
Jen Waite Website, http://www.jenwaite.com (February 26, 2018).
South China Morning Post, http://www.scmp.com/ (August 17, 2017), Charmaine Chan, review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing.
Hi, I'm Jen
I was in love with my best friend. I married him and we had a baby. And then I found out he was a psychopath. I went through months and months of grief, despair, anger, shock, depression and ANGER. Did I mention anger? I can now say that marrying and having a baby with my ex-psychopath was the best thing that ever happened to me because it opened me up to a truth that I never knew existed. The truth that I was always whole to begin with and that everything I ever needed was already within me. Sound cheesy? I know. But it's the truth. If you're emerging from a relationship with a psychopath or narcissist, my hope is that this blog and my memoir chronicling my own relationship with a man who fit the textbook definition of a psychopath can help you get to the other side as well.
My husband’s secret double life
By Jane Ridley July 5, 2017 | 7:47pm | Updated
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In her memoir, “A Beautiful, Terrible Thing,” Jen Waite recalls finding out that her husband was having an affair — three weeks after the birth of their child.Erin Little; hair & makeup by Teague Vivolo
How does it feel when you discover your marriage is a lie? Ask former New York City actress and model Jen Waite, 32, who has written a powerful memoir, “A Beautiful, Terrible Thing” (Plume, out Tuesday). She tells The Post’s Jane Ridley how she unmasked her “perfect” husband as a liar — and ultimately gained strength from the ordeal.
Holding my 3-week-old baby, I open our laptop for the first time since her birth. I click on a sent email from my husband Marco’s account with the subject line: “Appointment.”
It was delivered to a real estate agent, then forwarded to a woman called Viktorja. “My girlfriend and I have decided to go with another apartment, but thank you for your time,” it reads.
I almost laugh out loud. My first thought is: “Why is Marco still calling me his girlfriend after we’ve been married for two years?”
It turned out that the email, which I found the night of Jan. 20, 2015, altered the course of my existence. It wrecked my idyllic world as a new mother with a beautiful daughter and seemingly devoted spouse.
I first met my husband in June 2010 when we both worked at a restaurant in Queens. I was 25, and he was 32. An immigrant from Argentina, he confided that he was in the States illegally but stayed because he had a 7-year-old son, Seb, from a previous relationship.
He had intense, dark eyes, and he looked at me in a way no one had ever done before.
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Courtesy Jen Waite
“You know, I hadn’t allowed myself to be hopeful about ever being happy again until I met you,” he told me the night of our first kiss. I was giddy with the adoration.
He proposed in front of my family during Christmas 2012, and we had a City Hall wedding in Manhattan the following February. We then started the green card process to legitimize Marco’s status in the US.
In spring 2013, we went into business with another couple to open a gastropub in Queens. I plowed $75,000 of my savings into the venture and my parents contributed $25,000. It had always been Marco’s dream to own a restaurant, and it had finally come true.
But cracks developed between Marco and our business partners. Within months, he pulled out of the arrangement and started a new job as a full-time restaurant manager in Manhattan.
By then, I was preoccupied with arrangements for our formal wedding ceremony set to be at my parents’ home in June 2014 — and 14 weeks pregnant.
Our daughter, Louisa, was born at the end of December 2014. It was a long labor and Marco kept disappearing to make phone calls to the restaurant.
Then, a few days after I was discharged from the hospital, Marco suggested Louisa and I go north to be with my parents in Maine.
“[My boss] won’t let me take time off so it’s better you’re with your family,” he said.
Two weeks later, we returned to Queens, and soon after, I found the mysterious email. Marco and I shared our passwords, and I quickly found the name Viktorja among his Facebook friends.
Her profile picture was that of a glamorous blonde of around 22, black sunglasses perched on her nose, glossed lips pursed into a duck face. I needed answers — fast.
‘All those times I’d felt vulnerable and overwhelmed being pregnant or with the baby, he’d been with another woman.’
Calling Marco at the restaurant, I was struck by his calmness as I bluntly accused him of an affair.
“Baby, first of all, trust me. I would never, ever cheat on you,” he said. “You are my life, OK?”
He explained that Viktorja was a European co-worker with no savings or credit rating. She was having trouble finding apartments as brokers weren’t taking her seriously. She’d asked Marco to contact them on her behalf.
“I was really trying to help [her] … I am so sorry, babe. I’m an idiot,” explained Marco.
An hour later, when he came home, he was no longer remorseful. He said: “For around a year now, I haven’t been happy. I lost all my feelings. I think there’s something physically wrong with me.”
I was blindsided. I’d just had a baby and my head was all over the place. Why was my husband dropping this on me now?
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Even though Viktorja texted me denying anything between them, I later found an email she’d sent that included a link to an article about falling in love. Marco insisted Viktorja was studying psychology and had sent it to him innocently. Then, I stumbled across a soul-searching text he’d sent Seb’s mother, saying that he was afraid of losing Louisa but not me.
Next, he started using “gaslighting” techniques to make me question my own sanity, saying it was all in my head because I was hormonal. Though I’m not a mental-health professional nor can I make clinical diagnoses, I later found out that this is classic sociopath behavior. [Marco did not respond to requests for comment.]
Eventually, Marco confessed to an “emotional affair” with Viktorja. However, for the sake of Louisa and our marriage, I resolved to try and put it behind us. But, days later, I packed a sleeping Louisa into the back of the car and parked outside his restaurant at closing time. Two shadowy figures appeared from the doorway — Marco and a blonde I immediately recognized as Viktorja. He put his arm around her as they walked to a bar.
I finally fled to Maine to put some space between us and Marco. There, after examining our phone records, I found that, during my labor with Louisa, Marco had spent 45 minutes on the phone to Viktorja.
He’d been having an affair for months, with late-night Uber trips to Viktorja’s apartment in Brooklyn after he finished work, and they’d been hoping to rent a love nest together. All those times I’d felt vulnerable and overwhelmed being pregnant or with the baby, he’d been with another woman.
It made me sick to think I’d fallen for his lies.
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Courtesy of Jen Waite
He came up with fanciful excuses — also typical of a sociopath who has no feelings for anyone else but himself — and continued to deny any physical relationship. He did this right up to the time he posted a picture of him and Viktorja as his new Facebook profile.
People associate the word “sociopath” with murderers, but there’s a wide spectrum. Common traits include charm, impulsiveness, no guilt or shame, inventing lies and the inability to apologize.
It’s been over a year now since I divorced Marco. As far as I know, he still has his green card and is living in this country. As for telling Louisa what happened, I believe in being honest but in an age-appropriate way. She’ll be able to read my memoir when she’s older.
It’s taken me a while to accept what happened, but I’m much stronger now. I’ve grown into myself, am more independent and think on a deeper level. Meanwhile, I am devoted to Louisa, now 2½. I love watching her develop into an inquisitive child in our new home in Maine, where I have a stable job in insurance.
I hope my story will help other women involved with narcissists such as Marco. It proves that you can break free and lead a more fulfilling life without them.
* All identifying details and names except Jen Waite’s have been changed.
An Interview with Jen Waite, Author of “A Beautiful, Terrible Thing”
July 11, 2017 by Chump Lady
Jen Waite lived a nightmare we here at Chump Nation can all relate to — one terrible day she discovered her spouse had a double life. Her husband was not the person he represented himself to be. He was a fraud, a liar, a con. Jen’s world fell apart. She was a new mother at the time. Here’s where Jen distinguishes herself from the rest of us — she wrote a true life suspenseful account of her betrayal and landed a publishing deal with Penguin books.
Jen and I share an agent, which is how I heard of Jen’s incredible tale of mightiness. Today Jen, author, mom, former chump, is studying to be a therapist. A Beautiful, Terrible Thing is a new addition to the Chump Lit canon changing the narrative around infidelity.
I had the opportunity to interview Jen about her chump experience. You can check out her book here. Support the Chump Lit cause! Buy the book!
CL: Having once married a sociopath (raising my hand here too) — are you wary of sparkles? You say you knew he was “It” — does that kind of chemistry freak you out now?
This is a really good question and one I actually haven’t been asked a lot, but something I do think about quite a bit. The first year “post-sociopath” I was very, very wary of any kind of sparkles or chemistry or attention even from a man. I didn’t start dating at all until about a year had passed since everything happened and during that year I went through a good period of time where I decided that I never wanted a partner again.
But it was a decision made from fear and anger, not because I was truly happy being single (I am actually in that specific place now which is really lovely!). I spent a lot of time processing what happened and analyzing the “red flags” that I missed at the beginning of my relationship with my ex-husband. I also worked a lot in therapy to determine WHY I missed those red flags and that’s ultimately where I began to differentiate between chemistry and sparkles and love bombing, triangulation and a super heightened, disingenuous sense of intimacy. So I kind of ended up doing a 180 from when I was like “fuck no” to all men.
My grandmother told me something while I was uncovering piece by piece my ex-husband’s second life, she said: “Your stomach always tells the truth.” That might seem like a kind of “woo woo” principle to live by but if you feel sick to your stomach at the beginning (or end) of a relationship, your body is trying to tell you something. There is a big difference between having a healthy connection with someone and the “attraction” that results from love-bombing, triangulation, pity plays, etc. etc.
So long answer short, I’m not wary of chemistry anymore; sparkles are great and actually I think essential at the beginning of a relationship but I trust my stomach now and take in all the data as objectively as possible.
CL: When did the mask slip? Your D-Day was January 20, but did you have a mask slip earlier?
Yes, January 20th (that date will forever be seared into my mind) was the night that my husband came home from work a completely different person. I had found a strange email earlier that night and called him at work to ask him about it. He laughed it off and had a really genuine response but when he got home from work that night, it was like a switch flipped. Almost as if on the way home he decided “well cat’s out of the bag, I’m not gonna even try to keep up the act anymore.” It was eerie and shocking and confusing to the point that I felt completely panicked. I also had a newborn baby at this time and so I’m not sure what role sleep deprivation played but just suffice it to say that that was not a good night. That night was the intersection of the BEFORE and AFTER of my life.
At the time, on January 20th, I would have said, no, that was the first time the mask slipped, or was ripped off, but in hindsight I can pinpoint small moments from the end of my pregnancy that he started to let the mask slip a bit. He became somewhat disengaged around when I was about eight months pregnant — I chalked it up to the fact that he had a new job as the general manager of a trendy restaurant in downtown Manhattan so the hours were very late and long and (I believed) he was just insanely overworked and overtired. But I also remember him posting kind of weird, out of the ordinary, pictures to his social media for the first time. He posted a couple of quotes, like “inspirational” but really strange, like about being a lion or a tiger, and then he also became obsessed with New York City and “making it big.” I found out a bit later that his new “target” had just moved to New York from abroad and was equally obsessed with the city and partying and “making it big” in New York. He was starting to mirror her instead of me, for the first time since we’d met. At the time, it seemed subtle — behavior that I could pretty easily explain away, but now when I think about it, it’s totally creepy and obvious that his mask started slipping a couple of months before January 20th.
CL: Do you worry about Louisa’s exposure to her father? Is he out of your life? Or are you in our co-parenting with a fuckwit boat?
I am very fortunate that pretty much ever since D-Day, my ex-husband has kind of disappeared. I think once his lies were brought to light, he just wanted to slip away and start a new life. Right now I have sole legal and physical custody of my daughter. She is two and a half years old. At the very beginning, he would text once in a while, sometimes long, rambling, word-salady texts about needing time to “get better” and become the great father that he knew he could be, but now it has been over a year with pretty much zero word from him.
Louisa actually said the other day “What’s a daddy?” and it took me totally by surprise. I had heard another little girl in her daycare scream “daddy!!!” recently when her dad came to pick her up, so I think that’s where the question came from, but still my stomach flipped because I didn’t really have an answer prepared yet. I was about to go into some long explanation of “Well, someday you might have a dad but for now you have me and Mimi and Granddad and Uncle Ryan and…” etc. etc. and before I could answer she said, “Mama’s my daddy!!!!!”
I realize it won’t always be that simple, and I plan on being truthful with her in an age-appropriate way. But for now, while the girl is two, mama’s her daddy and I’m good with that.
CL: What advice do you have for people who unearth double lives of their partners? You lived this nightmare — do you feel unique? Like Freak of the Week, or do you think this experience is more common than we know?
This experience is shockingly more common than we think, or at least, than I thought. Since coming forward with my story, I have received hundreds of emails from other women (and a few men) who have lived through similar betrayals. There is a shame stigma surrounding this kind of life-altering betrayal. On the one hand, you feel like you should have seen it coming, and then on the other hand, if you try to explain to friends and family what really happened, you end up sounding crazy. And I’ll be the first to admit to having these thoughts about myself — that I should have known better and that I was going insane during the devalue/discard. I used to have this idea that when couples break up in a less than amicable fashion, there were problems under the surface for a while — you know that saying “it takes two to tango”? Well, I used to believe that fully — that a “sudden” breakup or betrayal in a relationship, while horrible, was always the result of a slow degradation of communications and feelings between two people.
Now I know that there are certain people (namely narcissists and sociopaths) who take pleasure in pulling the rug out and dropping you on your ass when you least expect it. While there are absolutely red flags in the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist and/or sociopath (thank God), the devalue and discard are designed to inflict as much confusion and hurt as possible, and at the same time convince you (via gaslighting) that you were to blame for the sudden absolute 180.
I suppose my advice first and foremost is to be gentle with yourself. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not “recovering” fast enough or for being angry or sad or ashamed. I wished that I could fast forward to being strong and resilient and healed. So my first piece of advice is: let yourself feel whatever you need to feel without judgment. Be gentle and kind to yourself during this process.
And then my second piece of advice is: when you’re ready, go back and think about what drew you to that particular person. I realized that I was desperate for external validation and I thought that getting it from my ex-husband, who seemed very “hard to get,” would be the ultimate validation. The only reason though that he seemed like a prize is because he used triangulation and said one thing and did another, which left me in a constant state of confusion and infatuation. At the end of the day “winning” my ex-husband didn’t make me special, it made me a woman in a relationship, and then marriage, with a person who had shown himself to be completely lacking in character and integrity. So, look, my point is, ain’t no shame in the psychopath game (yes I just coined that phrase), they are highly manipulative con artists programmed to exploit vulnerabilities and insecurities. However, it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself (because you feel shattered and broken at the end of the relationship, I know, I was there) and finally, finally, FINALLY fall in love with yourself.
CL: Tell us about how you’re rebuilding your life and about your memoir. (We love mighty stories!)
It was a long process and for many, many months I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. The more I researched psychopathy and learned about personality disorders, the more I was able to very slowly align what my mind knew and what my heart felt. I went through a long period of cognitive dissonance where I technically understood that my husband very likely was on the psychopathy spectrum, had no empathy and our entire relationship was a lie, but I could not feel it. It was like my brain and my heart were at war.
I also was suddenly a single parent to a newborn, which gave me purpose and a reason to trudge forward, but was excruciatingly painful and difficult and a bit terrifying.
Basically, the first six months after D-Day were bad. Really, really bad. I was kind of on auto pilot, and just trying to make sure my daughter was healthy.
The silver lining though of being completely shattered, is that you get to piece yourself back together. I felt like everything I thought I knew had been ripped away, and, while terrifying, that eventually allowed me to start over in a way — to rebuild my self-worth and how I saw the world. I realized that I had lost a lot of myself in trying to please other people, whether it be family or friends or societal expectations in general. It suddenly became very clear what I wanted and who I wanted in my life. And I found that disengaging with people and things that negatively affected me (or made me feel slightly sick to my stomach) improved my quality of life immensely; suddenly I had more time to dedicate to the people and things that were truly important to me.
Six months later (from January 20th), I started writing. Six months after that, I finished a memoir. It was, as cliché as it sounds, kind of an out of body experience. Every minute that I could find during the day, and at night after my daughter went to bed, I would write feverishly, as if the entire memoir was inside my body and needed to get out. Because I uncovered my husband’s double life piece by piece in real life, that’s how I wrote the memoir, and it took the shape of a psychological thriller — not so fun in real life but it made for (I hope) a very compelling book. Writing everything out was also immensely healing for me and I hope it will validate other peoples’ experiences, and remove some of the shame, from this type of relationship.
I am also finding the life my daughter and I have created to be so simple and satisfying. It is so hard being a single parent (the first two years especially, it seems to be getting easier now…though she could be tricking me), but there is also a freedom and agency that comes with being a single parent. Being able to make all the decisions myself can sometimes feel daunting and overwhelming, but on the flip side it is so freaking satisfying and empowering. At the end of the day, we’re figuring it out as we go along!
Jen Waite lives in Maine with her young daughter. She is in graduate school to become a licensed therapist, specializing in recovery from psychopathic relationships.
Her book is A Beautiful, Terrible Thing — A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal.
What It's Like to Be Married to a Psychopath
In her new memoir, author Jen Waite recounts her experience discovering her husband's affair and diagnosis as a psychopath. Broadly sat down with the author to learn how to spot red flags.
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Emalie Marthe
Emalie Marthe
Jul 22 2017, 7:21pm
This article originally appeared on Broadly.
Many have accused an ex of being crazy, but what if it turned out that your husband was an actual psychopath? Author Jen Waite explores this in her new memoir, A Beautiful, Terrible Thing. For several years, Waite seemed to live a perfect life; she was an actress and model who lived in New York City with her adoring husband, beloved step-son, and brand new baby. But one month after giving birth, Waite discovered that her husband was carrying out a secret affair throughout her pregnancy. While she was in labor, Waite claims he took calls from his mistress, and she goes on to allege that he used his paid paternity leave days to shack up with his young lover.
His affair unraveled slowly, as Waite unearthed a pile of evidence over a series of months. Through untangling her husband's web of deceit, Waite discovered that the man she was married to had a surprisingly common diagnosis: Her husband was a psychopath, someone who lied without remorse and refused to acknowledge or take accountability for his own actions.
According to a Psychology Today article, "Psychopathy is among the most difficult disorders to spot. The psychopath can appear normal, even charming. Underneath, he lacks conscience and empathy, making him manipulative, volatile and often (but by no means always) criminal." Although people consider psychopaths to be violent criminals or serials killers, many of them walk among us. Neuroscientist Dr. Kent A. Kiehl believes about one in 150 people qualify as psychopaths.
Waite chronicles the collapse of their marriage, and her path towards healing from the aftereffects of marrying a literal psychopath, in her new book. Over the phone, she gave us some advice on how to spot red flags. This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Broadly: What are some signs that the person that you have been with or are currently dating or married to that they might be a psychopath?
Jen Waite: At the beginning, there are a bunch of red flags to look out for. In my experience, the most prevalent is something called love bombing: It's a constant bombardment of flattery and attention, and communication—just constant. At first it kind of seems too much, and then you get used to it, and it is like a drug. You need your fix. You feel like the center of the universe, you feel adored, it feels like you're in a movie. But if you really step back and think about, "Should you be feeling this strongly after a couple of weeks?" It's like, alright, red flag.
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What are other red flags?
Another one that I experienced a lot of is the pity play, the sob story. [You may] notice that their actions are not always aligning with their words, and you call them out on it, and they have a sob story, but it's not really relevant to what you're calling them out on. It's just something that makes you feel really bad for them. Suddenly they're the victim and they're changing the narrative. That's another one that happened a lot with my ex-husband. They're kind of preying on the normal person's immediate response of empathy and guilt.
Do they repeat behaviors?
Try to be as objective as possible and learn about their past, because a lot of psychopaths really go through the same relationship cycle over and over again. If they have a lot of supposedly "crazy" exes, and a lot of other people that they've kind of tossed aside in their path, and don't have a great relationship with their family or a lot of friends, that's because they're going from person to person and destroying those bridges.
If someone is in a relationship with a psychopath, or still in contact with one, what would you suggest be their next step?
It's tricky because it's not like getting out of a normal relationship because the psychopath does thrive on drama and wants to make your life as miserable as possible. Through my own experience, I realized that being really boring helpful. Don't engage with the kind of dramatic texts you're inevitably going to get. It really sucks, I'm not going to lie.
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Are there any misconceptions that you've encountered when talking to people about psychopaths?
Just that there are a lot of them that appear to be completely normal and likable and charming and attractive. They're not all serial killers. A lot of people think and associate the word psychopath with serial killer—that's not the case. A lot of serial killers are psychopaths, but there are also a lot of people walking around amongst us who have a cluster of the traits and have just decided that it's not their taste. Their taste is more for emotional destruction or financial destruction. They're not necessarily killing people, but they are going around destroying people's lives.
If you are currently or formerly involved with a psychopath, check out Waite's website.
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Friday, July 7, 2017: Maximum Shelf: A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal
Plume Books: A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite
Plume Books: A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite
Plume Books: A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite
A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal
by Jen Waite
A Beautiful, Terrible Thing is an extraordinarily gutsy memoir that hangs the author's every raw emotion on a proverbial laundry line for all the world to see. Jen Waite is a smart, beautiful aspiring actress when she meets handsome, charming Marco at the restaurant where they work. Their first encounters are like a fairy tale--sparks fly, fireworks burst in mid-air and they both "just know" they have found "the one." Jen's gut tells her Marco is exactly who she's been waiting for. He's so attentive and engaged it feels as if she's known him forever, allowing her to reveal her inner self more quickly than ever before. Marco mirrors her feelings of intimacy and soon the duo is immersed in a passionate and dedicated romance. Jen is not alone in her estimation of Marco, who wins over her family with his charisma and open devotion. Madly in love, within five years they marry and are expecting their first child.
Upon their daughter's birth--what should be a magical time for the golden couple--their perfect path takes an abrupt hairpin turn. Jen stumbles across an e-mail Marco has sent to a realtor referencing a girlfriend and an apartment. Marco vehemently denies an affair. He also claims he must be ill, because he is empty of emotion and when he looks at the wife he only recently adored he "feel[s] nothing." Thus begins Jen Waite's journey through hell. Despite all the signs something is amiss, Marco has an answer for every question Jen poses, every fact that doesn't fit. One morning, deep into the morass of her troubled marriage, Jen turns to Google. The search "husband affair liar personality change" irrevocably alters her life. Reading one of the first results, she is hit with the horrific realization that her husband is a textbook psychopath.
With some sudden clarity to the madness, Jen knows she needs to get her daughter away from the toxic relationship. But breaking ties with Marco is much more complicated than a "normal" separation. Jen struggles for months to reconcile the facts and her emotions, a difficult but common hurdle to overcome when dealing with someone of Marco's pathology:
"Anyone involved in a relationship with a psychopath goes through a long period of something called cognitive dissonance. It is a period of time during which you are trying to merge two realities: that the person you thought was your best friend and love of your life is actually nothing but an illusion; his sole objective was to build you up so he could destroy you in the worst way possible."
As Jen tries to extricate herself from the relationship, the potency of Marco's pull on her and his chameleon-like ability to keep her off balance becomes evident. Despite mounting evidence against him, Marco never ceases in his efforts to impede Jen's ability to get her footing:
"I know that the very fact that I am playing means that he is still winning. But I don't know how to let him go completely.... I went from trusting and loving this person, from feeling adored and protected, to licking bitter morsels off the ground that he is throwing at me whenever he senses that I am starting to break free. Now I understand why sociopaths are dubbed 'human heroin.' I have been shooting pure, unadulterated psychopathic love into my bloodstream for five years. I am coming down from a drug I didn't even know I was on, and the withdrawal has knocked me on my f**king ass."
Written in "Before" and "After" timelines separated by the day Jen finds Marco's e-mail, the memoir is brutally painful from both ends. "After" Jen struggles to reconcile the devoted Marco she married with the man he becomes overnight, which colors all of "Before" Jen's ignorant bliss. Coming to grips with the realization that neither of those men is Marco, that he became what he knew she desired only to destroy her at her most vulnerable, is the journey at the heart of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing.
Waite's experience is haunting and fascinating, her story courageously told. The writing is evocative, so detailed and forthright that the grief and confusion of dealing with someone whose sole goal is to deceive and destroy resonates from every page. By shining a light on how she found herself living in a fiction and came through the experience stronger and empowered, Waite does a great service to those who have likewise suffered, particularly with undeserved feelings of shame. The pointedly honest narrative strips away any potential "That could never happen to me" defense, amplifying the power of her story. Anyone could end up in Waite's shoes, but the path she ultimately decides to walk in them is one of beauty and triumph. --Lauren O'Brien
Plume, $25, hardcover, 272p., 9780735216464
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Plume Books: A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite
Jen Waite: Learning to Trust Your Intuition
photo: Evynne Morin
Jen Waite's world blew apart when she discovered her husband was a textbook psychopath. Her memoir, A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal, written partially in real time, is a candid, in-depth look at what happens when a new mother finds out her life is a fiction. Waite lives on the East Coast with her young daughter.
The memoir is incredibly detailed. Do you keep a journal?
I wrote in real-time, at least the After sections. I felt driven to write everything down, to almost physically move the events out of my body. Writing close to the events freed me from self-judgment. Thankfully, I was still very much in love with my ex-husband at that point. If I tried to write it now I'm afraid it would read as a revenge book. I wouldn't be able to write with the same honesty two years later. I also relied on texts and social media to keep the details extremely accurate.
When did you decide to share your story?
As soon as I realized I was writing a memoir and not just a therapeutic outlet, I felt compelled to share it. From that moment each scene was already formed in my mind. This journey has been about deciding to trust my intuition. I hope my story not only validates experiences with a disordered partner, but also serves as a forewarning of red flags in a relationship.
Speaking of red flags, psychopaths mirror who we want them to be. Knowing what you know now, could you have seen through Marco?
Absolutely. The caveat is I had to go through this experience to become enlightened. I always saw the best in people and gave them the benefit of the doubt to a degree I now realize was unhealthy. Accepting I have control over my own reality, while empowering, is also terrifying. It's easier to fall into things without looking too closely. I fell headfirst into my relationship and it imploded spectacularly. Now if something doesn't feel right, I don't have to understand my instincts, I just trust them and disengage with whatever feels "off."
It felt like a switch was thrown when you accepted the truth. Was that empowering, and how have you continued to find your power?
That's a good way to put it--a switch was thrown--though it wasn't actually just one "aha" moment. It was a long period of trying to make sense of the situation; knowing something logically but not being able to accept it emotionally. When I passed the cognitive dissonance phase and truly understood Marco lacks empathy, I began to look at the situation almost clinically. That took over a year. Even at the end of the memoir, I was nowhere near where I am now. The work I did with my therapist toward understanding what drew me to someone who could manipulate me, forming boundaries, and building my sense of self, has been by far the most empowering experience of my adult life. Having my reality shattered forced me to examine where I went astray in living according to my inner compass. It's a fundamental concept that is so easy to misplace, especially in this world of social media, where we're bombarded by opinions and comparing our reality to the seemingly perfect lives of others.
Did feelings of shame play a part in your efforts to prove Marco was the man you married?
When you exit a relationship with a psychopath, there's an intense feeling of being conned. It's very difficult to describe the devalue and discard phase. Because of the gaslighting that goes on, you end up sounding insane, to yourself and others. Also, usually the ending coincides with discovering some kind of horrible betrayal, something you would think impossible to NOT see coming. If someone told me my story before it happened to me, I would think "there's no way she didn't know something was off." The thing is, psychopaths are incredibly convincing, especially if they sense you have a large amount of narcissist supply. For five years Marco was one person and overnight he became someone else. I really couldn't comprehend that; I truly thought we were going to discover he had a brain tumor. There was intense confusion, an inability to grasp the situation, and the residual shame of not having seen it coming.
Did shining a light on those misplaced feelings of shame play a role in why you wrote the memoir?
I didn't write with any particular result in mind. I was just compelled to share my story. Women don't talk about these relationships; there's shame and stigma to having been "duped," so we tend to keep quiet. A common message I've received from people who have experienced a disordered partner is feeling silenced by the sense of shame. There's power in naming something. Psychopaths are incredibly talented actors who gravitate toward extremely empathetic people. It's important to understand that psychopaths are not playing by the same rules--their intent is to build you up and destroy you at your most vulnerable. They feed on emotional turmoil and derive pleasure from pulling the rug out at the worst moment possible. To remain silent about these relationships only protects the predator and perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
Marco changed when your daughter was born. Why does the "discard" occur at such vulnerable times?
The simple answer is that psychopaths see others as objects, not people. We are only as valuable as the ego fuel we provide. When our supply decreases, we are worthless. There's also the double incentive that the more brutal the discard, the more pain and emotional suffering caused, which is basically life force for the psychopath.
How should parents talk to their children about toxic relationships? Will you one day encourage your daughter to read your memoir?
This is an ongoing question in my head! She's still really young, so she hasn't started asking "Do I have a dad?" But clearly I've chosen the truthful path, so I'm going to tell her in an age-appropriate way, along the lines of "I really loved your biological father but later realized he doesn't feel love like you and I do. You know that feeling in your tummy when something doesn't feel right? He doesn't have that, and it means he doesn't make good decisions. That's why he's not a part of our life." It's not that simple, but it doesn't serve her to be told the line "Your biological father just wasn't ready to be a dad." I don't want her thinking love is intentions or words. It's clear to me now that love is action. Love is doing, even when it's really hard and would be so much easier not to do. By being open with my daughter, my hope is she will gain a clear sense of who will be a positive force in her life.
When she's old enough I will tell her this memoir is like a preservation of my recollection of what happened when she was a baby. So much pain and suffering stems from families repressing trauma or not acknowledging hurt. I can't always protect her, but with honest communication, she will have a strong foundation to start from and an adult she trusts.
How do clinicians diagnose psychopathy and what signs should people look for?
Robert Hare, a psychologist specializing in psychopathy, developed the Psychopathy Checklist. It consists of 20 personality traits correlated with psychopathy, such as impulsiveness, superficial charm, lack of empathy and parasitic lifestyle. The greater their presence, the higher chance an individual falls on the spectrum. It's extremely difficult to "diagnose" psychopathy because psychopaths are inherently manipulative. I am 100% certain that if Marco walked into a therapist's office and there was no supporting documentation, he would receive a diagnosis of a likable guy.
Once you're aware of the signs it's easier to protect yourself. The biggest and most noticeable are: 1) Love bombing. This is nonstop flattery and amazing, poetic words at the beginning of a relationship. It feels really good until you step back and realize no one should feel that strongly within a few days or weeks. Instead of getting to know each other in a genuine way, the psychopath creates a false sense of intimacy. 2) Words versus actions. Once you learn to objectively judge someone based on actions, it becomes easy to detect a disordered person. 3) The pity play. If you are pursued relentlessly by someone who has a really good sob story about why they keep getting into bad situations, steer clear. Psychopaths use empathy against you by explaining away bad deeds with heart-wrenching stories. Of course, many people have been through difficult or traumatic situations; the difference is they won't use that to excuse bad behavior.
You're a courageous writer; will you keep at it?
Yes, I want to write a novel next. I think I'm done with nonfiction for a bit! --Lauren O'Brien
Jen Waite
Hi, I’m Jen. I used to be an actress in NYC, married to my best friend. Now I’m a single mom living in Maine with my parents. Wait, there’s good news: I’m moving toward becoming a licensed therapist, and I have an upcoming memoir on psychopathy and thriving after trauma. You can read more about my story in my memoir "A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal."
Book Q&As with Deborah Kalb
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Monday, September 25, 2017
Q&A with Jen Waite
Jen Waite is the author of the new book A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal, which focuses on her relationship with her ex-husband. She lives in Maine.
Q: Why did you decide to write a memoir about your experiences with your ex-husband, and what was it like to write about such a difficult time in your life?
A: I did not sit down to write a memoir. It wasn’t a planned, purposeful endeavor. I was writing close to everything when it was happening. It was because my mom and another character in the book, who’s “Nat” in the book, told me you need to start writing and move it out of your body.
The reason for writing it at the time, I didn’t really know. In hindsight, I figured out that I tried to understand what was happening and tried to process it. I didn’t write to help other people, but to figure out what was happening in my own life…
It was entirely therapeutic, and then it quickly turned into, I have a lot of pages, and a plot, and I realized it could be something more than just for myself.
There were scenes where it was very painful and I was releasing a lot of emotion. There were scenes where I had to force myself to write. But most of it, I felt that I had to. It was almost as if every sentence had already formed in my head. It took two and a half to three months to write. It just kind of came.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: That title was not my original title. It was "Human Heroin." But it would have been too confusing. We were brainstorming titles and my editor came up with ["A Beautiful, Terrible Thing"]. I’m really glad now. It’s more appealing to the demographic the book resonates with, mostly women, who have been in these relationships.
The “beautiful, terrible thing” for me is not the relationship…but the fact that I went through this and came out so much stronger. As cheesy as it sounds, I’m so much better a person. And it goes without saying, my daughter is the most beautiful thing that came out of it. It’s what I learned, and it’s the truth.
Q: The book is organized primarily into chapters focusing on before and after you found out about your husband’s affair. How did you decide on the structure of the book?
A: I sat down that first day and it sounds like I’m lying, but it happened organically. I knew exactly what I was going to start with. In my head was a timeline. Certain events were highlighted that I knew would be the “before” and the “after.”
In hindsight, I had to juxtapose falling-in-love moments with the after moments to find out what went wrong.
And it’s important for the reader to go along on the journey in dual time as well. It felt like an amazing beginning and the end was so horrific—what I’m hoping was that people would almost see through my eyes that I couldn’t even believe it myself. People need to experience the before and after at the same time.
Q: What do you hope readers take away from the book?
A: I hope for anyone who’s been in a relationship with a toxic person, not necessarily a psychopath but any unhealthy relationship, I hope they feel validated. A lot of people walk away thinking they’re crazy.
And I hope people who haven’t might, A, take the warning signs and B, understand the psyche of a person in that relationship, why it isn’t easy to extricate yourself. People think, Oh, just leave. I’m hoping it will be a multiple purpose.
A few therapists have contacted me and said it changed how they were treating their patients now, [after having] a glimpse into a person in that relationship.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: I haven’t started writing a book. I’m doing a lot of articles that tag along with the memoir; my publisher has contacted me about media outlets that are interested.
I’m working in Portland, Maine, for an insurance company. It’s a 9-to-5 job and I’m happy there.
At the end of the memoir, I was ready to become a therapist. I’m still excited, but I’ve taken a pause to make sure that’s something I want to do, and with a toddler and a book coming out…
I want it to be a thoughtful decision, not one born out of trauma.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: The reactions have been all over the board. I learned not to read reviews—the good ones are awesome; the bad ones are so painful. The word “psychopath” is a very visceral, intense word. It’s interesting that people are so fixated on, Is he or isn’t he? That is missing the point, but I get it because I did use that word.
I want people to know there’s more than whether he is or isn’t a psychopath, but it’s being in a toxic relationship, what drew me to him, owning that part of me. I hope it gives other women a direction about where to go. What set me free was looking inward at my own self, doing that scary work about my own vulnerabilities.
It is click-baity that way [the idea of a psychopath], but it’s so much more about forming boundaries, recognizing your own self-worth, finding yourself. For me, it was to find the person I really always was, and a lot got covered up by everything else that was happening in my life. It’s about getting back to the root of who we are and where our power lies.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
WRITING TO A RESOLUTION: A CONVERSATION WITH JEN WAITE
By Novella
01
Aug
2017
4
Cover design by Jason Booher, art work by Michelle Cheung for Novella Magazine
Text: Michelle Cheung
What happens when the love of your life — the best friend who’s also sexy, funny, tall with slicked back black hair, the kind the casting agency sends over when asked for “the One” in a romantic comedy — turns out to be a series of lies weaved together into a shape of a man? What does it say about who you are? And what kind of a life can you lead afterwards? These are the central questions in Jen Waite’s raw memoir, A Beautiful, Terrible Thing, a gripping account of her marriage to and freedom from ‘Marco,’ her husband and father to their newborn daughter. When Waite discovers an email that suggests her husband is having an affair, she tries to rebuild their relationship. Instead, what comes to light in her search for the truth are more irreconcilable lies, betrayals, and deceit.
Aside from the riveting narrative of the destruction of her marriage, Waite’s memoir is remarkable in its immediacy of feeling; she is unafraid to show ‘Marco’ at his worst or to reveal herself at her most vulnerable. That she started writing what would become the memoir soon after leaving her ex-husband perhaps lends to its undiluted quality, something often lost in memoirs written in retrospect years after. A Beautiful, Terrible Thing is triumphant in spirit as it chronicles not only the loss of faith and destruction brought on by ‘Marco’ but also Waite’s rise from its wastes.
Novella had a chance to meet and chat with Ms. Waite regarding her memoir and her creative process.
Michelle: When did you start writing?
Jen Waite: I have always loved to write ever since I was a kid. In college I took a creative writing course and wanted to major in it but ended up spending a year abroad in France, which led to me majoring in French. I didn’t write professionally until I wrote my memoir. I started writing it soon after I discovered the email that set things in motion in January of 2015. I moved home to Maine in February and I was writing by May or June. At first, it was about getting everything out on the page because I felt that I needed a release. Then after probably a month of writing, I realized that I was writing a memoir.
M: Tell us about the writing process. Was it a cathartic/healing experience?
JW: Definitely, it was extremely healing. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I didn’t sell it and decide to share my story, it would still be healing. Writing it in and of itself was a huge thing — everything else is kind of like icing on the cake. The writing process was like an exorcism. It helped me understand everything that was happening and what I was dealing with, what I was going through.
I think that my particular writing process is pretty atypical from what I’ve heard from other people in the industry. I sat down that first day to start writing and didn’t stop for four months. My daughter was three months old when I started and seven or eight months old when I finished. There was editing left, still, for another couple of months, but otherwise it was a really quick process.
I just wrote feverishly for about five months and every sentence, every scene — I felt like it was already in my head and I just needed to get it down on paper. People ask, ‘Was it in the editing process that you went and did the before and after structure?’ The structure came out completely naturally, not that I had experience writing a book or a thriller before.
M: Was it hard for you to write your book while you were taking care of your daughter?
JW: Practically speaking, I remember there were some times when it’d be difficult. She was a pretty good napper, so she would nap for a couple of hours and I would write then. Sometimes I’d hear her waking up and I’d be in the middle of a scene, so most times I would try to finish before she woke up. And after she went to bed, I would be pretty exhausted from the day but still feel the need to just get some stuff out. Physically and mentally it was a bit draining but I felt so compelled.
“ULTIMATELY, THAT WAS WHAT ALLOWED ME TO BECOME
RESOLVED WITH THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP:
FIGURING OUT THE THING INSIDE ME THAT NEEDED HEALING.”
Jen Waite, author of ‘A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal’
M: What advice would you give to someone in an abusive relationship?
JW: First thing first, if you’re planning to leave or if you’re seeing these signs that you are in a relationship with someone who is somewhere on the psychopathy spectrum or with a narcissistic personality disorder, you’re not dealing with a ‘normal person.’ If you can, try to get a support network in place. I am extremely fortunate to have really supportive parents, so I was able to leave and move in with them. I know that is not an option for a lot of people, but if you have any kind of support network, try to get that in place. And if you can, go no contact and be as boring as you possibly can. I think that is the smartest advice I can give. I know from my own experience that being boring is what made my ex-husband stop wanting to bother me because he wanted to move onto something with more drama or more excitement.
When you are going through the kind of heartbreak and devastation after this kind of betrayal, be really gentle with yourself. I was really judgmental about my own process. I just wanted to ‘get better’ and go through the process and was angry with myself for not being ‘recovered’ — whatever that means — sooner. You are dealing with your reality getting completely shattered, so don’t judge any feelings that you might have, be it of anger, grief, sadness, etc — feel whatever you have to feel.
I had an amazing therapist who helped me figure out what drew me to someone like Marco (that’s the name I use in the memoir) and what insecurities and issues I had. It wasn’t about how I was to blame but about the issues that we all have, like the need for validation, ignoring some red flags because we want to be a part of a fairy tale romance. Ultimately, that was what allowed me to become resolved with the whole relationship: figuring out the thing inside me that needed healing. It led me to feel that I was really well equipped to move forward and not have it happen again. When people go back out the gate ready to find someone again without doing the inner work, that’s when really bad patterns can form and you can end up getting back into the same kind of relationship as before. But it takes a long time to get to that point and it’s really scary to look into yourself.
M: What was the most difficult part of writing A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal?
JW: Editing it after I sold the manuscript to the publisher because I was in a different place then than when I was writing it. I had to go back, especially to the “Before” sections. When I was writing it, I was still very much in love with my husband and I hadn’t been able to separate my emotions from what I knew logically because it was almost a real-time process. I wrote it at a point where I could go back to the first time we met and when I truly believed that he was who I thought he was. I found that editing the before sections was very difficult because now I was much more resolved and I completely understood what my ex-husband was, a black void of a person. It was hard to take myself back to that place of being in love with this guy because now I saw through him so clearly.
M: What do you want your readers to take away from A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal?
JW: It depends on the reader, but I hoped that anyone who has experienced this kind of relationship before feels like they are not alone and maybe has some comfort in that and some validation.
It depends on the reader but I hope that anyone who has experienced this kind of a relationship will feel like they’re not alone and maybe find some comfort and validation in that. It happens all the time and this is a common story, which I myself did not know before I wrote the memoir. The people who end up in these relationships tend to be very empathetic, kind people. It is not their fault. Yes, it is very important to do some inner work, but at the same time, just know that usually you have been preyed upon because of your empathy and because of your vulnerabilities. Psychopaths and narcissists are extremely manipulative and charming. And I hope that a reader who has not been in this kind of a relationship before could maybe pick up on some the red flags and avoid that type of relationship in the future.
Jen Waite is a former New York City actor and model and her book ‘A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal’ was published on July 11th. It is available in all major bookstores and online through Plume and Penguin Random House.
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After Her Husband Had an Affair, She Thanked Him
Updated: Jul 13, 2017 5:12 pm
By Debbie Strong
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As many women can attest, motherhood changes you in amazing ways. But what do you do if your experience of becoming a mother is marred by something terrible--like your spouse leaving you? That's what happened to Jen Waite, a now-single mom who lives in Maine and recently shocked the Internet when she called her husband's affair "the best thing that ever happened" to her.
Record scratch! Uh, come again?
Infidelity is one of the most painful things a coupled person can endure, so it's entirely understandable when people feel brokenhearted and alone after they've been cheated on. But Waite was able to turn the experience into something positive for her AND her daughter, and she explained her powerful reasoning in a Today.com blog post.
"Almost immediately after giving birth to my daughter, I found out my husband was leading a double life. I was suddenly on my own with a newborn baby," Waite revealed in her honest essay. "I was wracked with pain. This pain had nothing to do with the physical stress of childbirth; the stitches still holding my swollen private area together. In his absence, I felt an emptiness where he had been. I knew I would never be whole again."
Still, underneath all that darkness, she began to experience a strange emotion: Freedom.
"While these had been without a doubt the most difficult months of my life, there was also something incredibly freeing in being ripped to shreds and then rebuilding myself piece by piece," wrote Waite. "Before experiencing a profound trauma, I cared very much what people thought of me. And not just my family and close friends, everyone. Strangers even. I had trouble making decisions because I wanted to make sure that my decision would please everyone. Even navigating a grocery store could be stressful – all those strangers silently observing and judging me."
RELATED: I Was Dumped an Hour Before My Wedding
Waite's story is ultimately uplifting and inspiring for any woman who's dealt with a broken heart.
"So as much as I sometimes want to scream and rage at my ex-husband, I also want to thank him: For forcing me to become the person I was always meant to be. For showing me that I am a fighter and that I will never give up. And most importantly, for allowing me to become this person before my daughter ever knew anyone else."
We salute you, Amy!
h/t Today.com
Print Marked Items
Waite , Jen: A BEAUTIFUL, TERRIBLE
THING
Kirkus Reviews.
(May 15, 2017):
COPYRIGHT 2017 Kirkus Media LLC
http://www.kirkusreviews.com/
Full Text:
Waite , Jen A BEAUTIFUL, TERRIBLE THING Plume (Adult Nonfiction) $25.00 7, 11 ISBN: 978-0-
7352-1646-4
A woman discovers her husband is not whom she thought he was.Waite met Marco at work; he was the new
bar manager, and she was working as a waitress "to make the money that did not seem to be materializing
from my acting and modeling careers." They went out for drinks even though Waite had a long-distance
relationship with another man. "He was sexy and mysterious and all of a sudden I wanted him more than I
had wanted anything in my life," she writes. Before long, they were a couple and moved in together; she
agreed to help fund Marco's lifetime dream of opening a restaurant; they got pregnant and married. Then
their perfect life fell apart when Waite discovered Marco was cheating on her and had been for quite some
time. Alternating between two time frames--before finding out about the affair and after--the author slowly
unravels the complexity of lies and disillusions she suffered because of Marco. The tension, disbelief, and
grief permeate the pages as Waite chronicles how she obsessively checked Marco's email and Facebook
accounts for proof of his infidelity. The author makes palpable her inability to cope with the enormity of her
situation and the confusion and fear for what a divorce would mean for her newborn child. Her recounting
of the events gives readers an up-close look at the psychological damage that occurs when one partner falls
completely for another and ignores the gut instincts and warning signs that the relationship may not be what
it seems. Those who have been in a manipulative partnership with a narcissistic or abusive person will find
Waite's honest retelling relevant and potent. Many will find they can use this as a guidebook of what to
watch out for so they don't make the same mistakes that the author did. A frank and visceral dual timeline
shows the romance and failure of a woman's marriage to a psychopath.
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"Waite , Jen: A BEAUTIFUL, TERRIBLE THING." Kirkus Reviews, 15 May 2017. General OneFile,
http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A491934170/ITOF?u=schlager&sid=ITOF&xid=0aa9c982.
Accessed 29 Jan. 2018.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A491934170
A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of
Marriage and Betrayal
Publishers Weekly.
264.19 (May 8, 2017): p52.
COPYRIGHT 2017 PWxyz, LLC
http://www.publishersweekly.com/
Full Text:
A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal
Jen Waite. Plume, $25 (272p) ISBN 978-07352-1646-4
In this emotionally charged memoir, Waite, who lives in Maine with her daughter, describes how the man
she married turned out to be not at all what he seemed. Waite details the unraveling of their five-year
romance in a powerful narrative. Waite was a waitress in her 20s when she fell in love with Marco, the bar
manager where she worked. She believed she'd found her soul mate even though he had a child before
meeting her from another relationship and was working in the country illegally. They married, he got a
green card, and she used her savings so that they and some friends could open a restaurant. But soon after
giving birth to their daughter, she found a suspicious email from her husband to another woman. He denied
having an affair and told her that something was very wrong with him psychologically: he'd stopped feeling
anything. Exhausted and confused, she retreated to her parents' house to figure out what was making him
sick. She couldn't help continuing her detective work, going through phone records and emails. As she
researched his changing behavior, the truth about her relationship was revealed. She realized, with the help
of a therapist, that she'd been in love with a liar and a psychopath. Waite's is a wellwritten and at times
gripping story of deceit. (July)
Source Citation (MLA 8th
Edition)
"A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal." Publishers Weekly, 8 May 2017, p. 52.
General OneFile, http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A491949121/ITOF?
u=schlager&sid=ITOF&xid=f0035e6e. Accessed 29 Jan. 2018.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A491949121
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Waite’s life began to unravel three weeks after the birth of her daughter, when she discovered her husband was a serial philanderer
Jen Waite needs more distance from her true tale of being married to a psychopath
Waite’s life began to unravel three weeks after the birth of her daughter, when she discovered her husband was a serial philanderer
17 AUG 2017
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A Beautiful, Terrible Thing
written and read by Jen Waite
Penguin Audio
It’s worth revisiting Jen Waite’s opening note when you reach the end of her tale of betrayal. “This is not a clinical diagnosis of psychopathy,” she says, although later revealing she is studying to become a therapist, specialising in recovery from psychopathic relationships. This book tells of her relationship with a bar manager named Marco, whom she married. Marco turns out to be a serial cheater (and liar and narcissist), which Waite discovers three weeks after giving birth to their daughter. An email gives him away, followed by proof from social media, phone records and Uber receipts, showing his movements. Had Waite given herself some distance from the torment, her book may have felt less like self-therapy. That said, others who have gone through similar relationships will cheer her on.
A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite
(Coming on July 11th from Plume Books [USA] and Prentice Hall Press [UK])
Jen Waite had been in New York City pursuing her dream of becoming an actress for two years when she started working at a restaurant for extra cash. It was here that she met Marco Medina, a handsome Argentinian bar manager, and they fell head-over-heels in love. All the clichés: a green card, a successful business venture, a baby on the way, an idyllic wedding on the beach in Maine. And then the whole thing fell apart. “Marco was always an illusion; the best magic trick I’ve ever seen,” Waite marvels.
She’s written her story up like a thriller, full of gradual revelations and the desire to get even. Chapters alternate between “Before,” when she still had what she thought was the perfect existence, and “After,” when she started to suspect that Marco had a secret life. I use the term “thriller” as a compliment: the dialogue is spot-on and this is a remarkably gripping book given that the title and blurb pretty much give the whole game away. More than that, it’s a fascinating psychological study of the personality of a sociopath and pathological liar. Surviving to tell her story and perhaps train to become a therapist for women who have been in her situation is Waite’s apt revenge.
Readalike: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
My rating:
A Beautiful Terrible Thing by Jen Waite (Review by Erin Woodward)
This is a very quick bitesize read. Jen Waite, meets and marries a man, Marcus, to whom her love knows no bounds. It’s the first time in her life that she’s felt such an all-consuming devotion for someone. It’s a beautiful thing. Or is it?
A couple weeks after the birth of their first child, Lulu – her husband of five years’ changes, seemingly overnight. Gone is the man who loved, cherished and respected her and in his place is a complete stranger.
After a gruelling month of trying to care for her child while figuring out what happened to her husband, Jen has to make some difficult choices on how to move forward for Lulu’s sake – if not her own.
I am a sucker for a memoir so knowing this was a true story made it difficult to read at times, and although I commiserated with what Jen was going through, I couldn’t pretend to understand it.
You’ll have it finished before you know it and then you can hit up our Virtual GBC interview with Jen on November 16 RSVP here.