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WORK TITLE: The Danish Way of Parenting
WORK NOTES: with Jessica Joelle Alexander
PSEUDONYM(S):
BIRTHDATE:
WEBSITE: https://www.ibensandahl.com/
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY: Denmark
NATIONALITY: Danish
http://thedanishway.com/ * http://thedanishway.com/about-the-authors/
RESEARCHER NOTES:
PERSONAL
Married; children: Ida and Julie.
EDUCATION:M.P.F.
ADDRESS
CAREER
Psychotherapist, family counselor, and writer. Private practice located outside of Copenhagen, Denmark; previous taught school for ten years in Danish school system.
WRITINGS
SIDELIGHTS
Iben Dissing Sandahl is a licensed psychotherapist who has a private practice outside of Copenhagen, Denmark. Sandahl specializes in counseling families and children. She initially worked as a teacher for ten years in the Danish school system before returning to school to earn her degree in narrative psychotherapy. Sandahl is coauthor with Jessica Joelle Alexander, an American writer and columnist who is married to a Dane and lives in Europe, of The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids.
According to “The United Nations World Happiness Report” of 2016, Denmark has some of the happiest people in the world for a variety of reasons, including the country’s social safety net. Sandahl and Alexander also believe that the Danish parents’ style of parenting helps produce happy adults. In an interview with Washington Post Online contributor Rick Noack, Sandahl sounded a cautionary note, explaining: “Parental behavior in one culture can produce a different impact when applied in another.” Sandahl, however, went on to remark about a major reason why Danes are so happy: “Basically, Danes are a very trusting people, as seen both in our relationship to each other, how we bring up babies, but also in our relaxed way of interacting in the world.”
Sandahl and Alexander begin their book with an introduction discussing why Danish people are among the happiest people in the world. They note that people in the United States are not even ranked in the top ten of the happiest people in the world even though “the pursuit of happiness” is declared as a major right in the country’s Declaration of Independence. The authors go on to write that research indicates Danes are ranked so highly in happiness primarily because of they way they bring up their children. Writing in the book’s introduction, Sandahl and Alexander note: “The Danish philosophy behind parenting and their way of raising children yields some pretty powerful results: resilient, emotionally secure, happy kids who turn into resilient, emotionally secure, happy adults who then repeat this powerful parenting style with their own kids. The legacy repeats itself, and we get a society that tops the happiness charts for more than forty years in a row.”
Alexander and Sandahl present six essential parenting principles in Denmark that help perpetuate happiness. They present these principles with the acronym PARENT: play, authenticity, reframing, empathy, no ultimatums, togetherness. The write that play is essential for development and well being. They also emphasize that teaching children empathy leads to people treating each other more often with kindness. Danish families also emphasize togetherness and make a point of celebrating family time together. Another principle is the art of reframing as Danish parents have developed ways to help kids cope with setbacks and develop a positive attitude. They also foster authenticity in their children, which also engenders trust and self-esteem. In addition, the principle of not giving children ultimatums leads to less power struggles and resentment between parents and children.
In contrast to the Danish style of parenting, which emphasizes interdependence, Alexander and Sandahl view American parenting styles with much skepticism. As noted by Guardian Online contributor Alice O’Keeffe, the authors note that in American parenting “individualism and competition are the twin bedrocks, with kids pushed relentlessly to ‘achieve’ in sports and academia, and medicated when they can’t cope.” In providing their analysis of Danish parenting and tips on how parents from other countries can emulate this parenting style, the authors draw from child psychology studies and advice provided by parenting experts. “The argument of the book is compelling,” noted O’Keeffe for the Guardian Online. A Publishers Weekly contributor remarked: The Danish Way of Parenting is a”pithy, practical little volume [that] is the ideal guide for parents seeking to change their child-rearing habits.”
BIOCRIT
BOOKS
Sandahl, Iben Dissing, and Jessica Noelle Alexander, The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids, TarcherPerigee (New York, NY), 2016.
PERIODICALS
Publishers Weekly, July 4, 2016, review of The Danish Way of Parenting, p. 60.
ONLINE
Danish Way of Parenting Web site, http://thedanishway.com (March 27, 2017).
Guardian Online, https://www.theguardian.com/ (August 6, 2016), Alice O’Keeffe, “The Danish Way of Parenting review — How to Raise the World’s Happiest Kids.”
Iben Dissing Sandahl Home Page, https://www.ibensandahl.com (March 28, 2017).
R.J. Julia Booksellers Web site, http://www.rjjulia.com/ (March 28, 2017), Katie Hurley, “Jessica Joelle Alexander, The Danish Way of Parenting,” in Conversation with Katie Hurley.”
Washington Post Online, https://www.washingtonpost.com/ (August 16, 2016), Rick Noack, “Denmark Has Advice for American Parents: Give Children More Freedom.”*
Iben Dissing Sandahl is a coach, author and a licensed narrative psychotherapist, MPF, with her own private practice just outside of Copenhagen. She specializes in counseling families and children. Originally trained as a teacher, she worked for 10 years in the Danish school system before earning her degree in narrative psychotherapy. She is very passionate about her work and is regularly quoted in magazines, newspapers and Danish National Radio for her expert opinion. She is a wife and mother of two girls, Ida and Julie.
No bio
Iben Dissing Sandahl is a licensed psychotherapist and family counselor working for many years in her private practice outside Copenhagen, Denmark. Learn more at: thedanishway.com.
The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids
263.27 (July 4, 2016): p60.
Copyright: COPYRIGHT 2016 PWxyz, LLC
http://www.publishersweekly.com/
The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids
Jessica Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl. TarcherPerigee, $16 trade paper (224p) ISBN 978-0-14-311171-9
Originally self-published by Sandahl, a Danish family therapist, and Alexander, an American mother married to a Dane, this cross-cultural parenting manual is a testament to Danish upbringing, which the authors believe is the reason that Denmark, according to studies, is home to "the happiest people in the world." As depicted here, the Danish parenting style yields impressive results: resilient, emotionally secure children who grow up to parent their own kids in the same way. The authors warn that the "default settings" for Americans parents aren't always the best choices for fostering happiness. They position the Danish whole-child approach, which emphasizes socialization, autonomy, and self-esteem, as an appealing alternative. With anecdotes from the authors' childhoods and personal family stories, research from child psychology studies, and advice from parenting experts, the book presents a six-part program, represented by the acronym PARENT: play, authenticity, reframing, empathy, no ultimatums, togetherness. This pithy, practical little volume is the ideal guide for parents seeking to change their child-rearing habits. (Aug.)
Source Citation (MLA 8th Edition)
"The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids." Publishers Weekly, 4 July 2016, p. 60. General OneFile, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?p=ITOF&sw=w&u=schlager&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA457302944&it=r&asid=96974b70d7ac7212fd3683ce16633da0. Accessed 2 Mar. 2017.
Gale Document Number: GALE|A457302944
The Danish Way of Parenting review – how to raise the world’s happiest kids
Denmark approaches childhood, and society as a whole, very differently to Britain or the US, argue Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl
Schools in Denmark prioritise teamwork and empathy rather than individual achievement.
Schools in Denmark prioritise teamwork and empathy rather than individual achievement. Photograph: Alamy
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Alice O'Keeffe
@AliceOKeeffe
Saturday 6 August 2016 07.30 BST
Last modified on Monday 6 February 2017 14.14 GMT
Having muddled through six years of parenthood without consulting any books on the subject, I was pretty excited about this, my first one. Perhaps it would finally provide some answers to the many questions that have been building up in my mind. Such as: it is possible to clean poo off the carpet at 6am without weeping? Where does one find a glamorous, highly paid, flexible, family-friendly job? How do I train my children to mix a perfect vodka and tonic, and bring it to me on the sofa before dinner? What are you supposed to do when they just sit down on the pavement half way to school and refuse to move?
I had high hopes for The Danish Way of Parenting, which promises to “help parents from all walks of life raise the happiest, most well-adjusted kids in the world”. The argument of the book is compelling. Denmark has been found to have the happiest people in the world almost every year since 1973, but there has never been a clear consensus about why. The authors, an American writer and her Danish psychotherapist husband, claim to have uncovered the secret: Danes are happy because of their upbringing. This exposition of the Danish parenting philosophy, originally self-published, sold more than 10,000 copies in a year. Although this edition has a British publisher, there’s a great deal about “what it means to be an American parent”.
One of the key things to emerge was just how glad I am not to be an American parent. This book paints a damning portrait of child-rearing in the States (though I’m sure the truth is more complicated): individualism and competition are the twin bedrocks, with kids pushed relentlessly to “achieve” in sports and academia, and medicated when they can’t cope. In 2010, 5.2 million American children were on Ritalin, and obesity is leading to an epidemic of early-onset puberty, which in turn is often treated with hormone shots. I had no idea that corporal punishment – hitting students with a paddle or cane for misbehaving – is still legal in state schools in 19 US states, and is allowed in private schools across the country. Studies suggest that up to 90% of Americans still use spanking as a form of discipline for their children.
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In contrast, in Denmark the emphasis is on wellbeing through interdependence. Children start school aged six, and until the age of 10 finish the day at two o’clock, with the afternoon dedicated to free play. The curriculum prioritises teamwork and building empathy rather than individual achievement. And it’s not just education: the health system, too, does simple but effective things such as link new mothers up with others in their area for support in the crucial first few months. So when the authors say that “upbringing” is the key to happiness in Denmark, they are not just talking about parenting. They are talking about a humane and cohesive society, with systems in place to support everyone. What American, or indeed British, readers would need to bring such a situation about is not a parenting book, but political upheaval. (Though the truth about Denmark is more complicated, too.)
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The parenting tips are sensible enough, if hardly earth-shattering. They are organised around the “easy-to-remember acronym Parent” – Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No ultimatums and Togetherness. Some seem pretty obvious (“If your kids ask a question, give them an honest answer”; “connect with your child and lighten the situation with humour”). Others lend technical terminology to behaviour that most of us would instinctively recognise as the right thing to do.
The “Reframing” chapter, for example, advises us to accentuate the positive aspects of negative experiences: the child says they played football badly; you tell them they’ll do better next time. We should avoid labelling children with negative traits by separating the behaviour and the child – so rather than calling little Walter lazy, we are supposed to tell him he is “affected by laziness”. “No ultimatums” is maintaining a calm and authoritative manner, without shouting or hitting. “Togetherness”, or the very on-trend concept of “hygge”, is making time for families to do nice things together – such as lighting candles, playing games and singing. It’s basically the opposite of all sitting in separate rooms with iPads.
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The problem with this, as with any parenting advice, is the all-important difference between knowing what the right thing to do is, and actually doing it. Of course I never want to stand in the middle of the street screaming “Just get off the sodding pavement” at my three-year-old. Clearly I would know, in a saner moment, that this is only likely to teach him to scream back at me, or at somebody else. But in that moment the knowledge is useless because he is driving me totally nuts. As the authors acknowledge, much of our behaviour as parents comes from our “default settings”, learned in childhood and absorbed from our surroundings. We can – and of course we should – try to be better parents on an individual level, but it’s important to recognise that we can’t pick up the pieces where society is failing.
Perhaps rather than navel-gazing endlessly about “parenting”, we need to direct our desire for change and improvement into the outside world. If that seems a little overwhelming, there is still, Brexit notwithstanding, another option just about open to us: move to Denmark.
• To order The Danish Way of Parenting for £9.01 (RRP £10.99) go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of £1.99.
Denmark has advice for American parents: Give children more freedom
By Rick Noack August 16, 2016
Denmark has some of the world's happiest people, according to the United Nations World Happiness Report of 2016.
Not everything is rosy in the Scandinavian role-model country, however, as its recent backlash against immigrants and refugees has shown. But the Danes are certainly proud of their education and their parenting.
A new book by Iben Dissing Sandahl and Jessica Joelle Alexander examines where that pride comes from and whether it is justified. "The Danish Way of Parenting" is supposed to be a guide for anyone seeking an alternative approach to bringing up children.
WorldViews spoke to Sandahl via email to discuss what makes Denmark so special and what lessons American parents could learn from the country.
The question-and-answer exchange has been lightly edited for clarity and shortened.
WorldViews: In the United States, there has been a lot of debate about how much leeway parents should allow their children. What is the Danish approach, and what could be learned?
Iben Dissing Sandahl: Trust! However, it is still important to respect cultural differences.
Parental behavior in one culture can produce a different impact when applied in another. Basically, Danes are a very trusting people, as seen both in our relationship to each other, how we bring up babies, but also in our relaxed way of interacting in the world.
One good lesson I can give, though, would be letting your children explore the world around them without too much parental interaction. You can do that by trying to understand the little person you have in front of you.
Children are clever and they often explore [their surrounding] without even noticing it — when parents trust that they are able to handle those situations.
Image3.highres Author Iben Dissing Sandahl. (Iben Dissing Sandahl)
WV: Are you implying that Danish parents are less stressed?
I'm not sure mothers [in Denmark] are less stressed than [elsewhere]. But what we are very aware of is taking the time to connect with our children every day. To share moments — even though it might only be for a short time — still reduces stress and gives meaning and purpose in our life.
WV: Lots of American mothers would argue that one key difference is the support Danes receive from lawmakers and the government. Danes can take the world's longest paid maternity leave, for instance, whereas Americans still lack that right.
That is true — we have strong governmental support in Denmark, but no matter where you come from, it is always difficult to balance work and private life.
It is possible to change patterns and parental settings for Americans, too, if you really want to. It is not necessarily easy, but parenting isn't easy.
WV: Would parenting have to be more equally split between fathers and mothers to make up for governmental shortcomings?
Parents are among the most important people in the lives of young children. From birth [onward], children are learning, and they rely on mothers and fathers in the parenting role, to protect and care for them and to chart a trajectory that promotes their overall well-being.
[Research] claims that young children with involved fathers develop better linguistic and cognitive skills and capacities, including academic readiness, and are more emotionally secure and have better social connections with peers as they get older.
Danish men very much take part in both domestic chores and child [upbringing], largely in the same way as women. That means that everything is divided equally (almost).
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WV: What role do teachers play in Denmark?
They are often the main characters in children's daily lives, because they spend many hours together while they are in school.
Many years ago, when I worked as a teacher, I had the same class for eight years. We saw each other every single day and shared many important moments together, as I followed them through their development from children to young adults.
Teachers are powerful role models, because they can facilitate and support children to flourish and grow — but on the other hand, they can also misuse their power.